Lying....

The conversation was short... just a few words really. I have been keeping a nagging assumption to myself lately. I'm sure I shouldn't and the whole "your feelings belong to me" conversation is running through my head at the moment, but still I keep it to myself. So in a way of asking without asking.... I went a different route...

I simply asked: would you ever lie to me about anything? Sir answered a question with a question, which I hate and found myself - thinking it should be a fairly simple yes or no response. I even dared myself to say that to him, but instead I waited for his thoughts... He asked me why and of course again I answered without really answering and said I was just wondering. Then the answer came... it wasn't yes or no. It wasn't at all what I expected.

He simply said: "I don't need to lie to you."

It was one of those light bulb moments & the conversation was ended there as it was quickly followed by a sharp "this is not the time to discuss this" and it really wasn't. Because the conversation was cut short, it provided me plenty of think time immediately following.

Why I asked the question was not because I wanted to know if he would or would not. It was because I assumed he was lying and I expected him to share with me under what circumstances he would lie so that I could understand why he was lying. Shame on me for never giving him credit for always being open and honest. I suppose this taps back into the trust issues that began resurfacing after our 2 week blow up.

But, as usual, he was right. He doesn't need to lie to me. I can think of plenty of times when he has shared with me things that I didn't like, didn't approve of, didn't appreciate, didn't care for, didn't want to know, hurt me, embarassed me, annoyed me, and oh yes things that most people would lie about. So why now, did I think he would change to be a sneaky, deceptive, and all around untrustworthy man? Not because of anything he did, or deserved, and certainly not because he changed.

It was something in me instead... I would normally call them my issues, so it would seem I am still learning that as well.

No Surprise

I'm sure I wouldn't be stating anything but the obvious by saying that I have been neglectful of keeping this updated. Truth be told that in the past few months, my little knook here on the web was sorely missed.

As far as why I stopped writing, I am sure that anyone who has read the previous posts knows that I was going through something. I still am. I stopped writing for a number of reasons. The main reason, however, is that it stopped being expected. I don't really have the same "place" as I did before with Sir. Our relationship has reached a completely more casual level - obviously. To be honest I have no tasks - daily or otherwise - right now as that has all been taken away. Another big reason I stopped writing is because I was tired of being a pity party. It is so easy to focus on all the negative. I stopped writing about the positive. I was sending myself into this deep dark abyss day after day feeling sorry for myself and I couldn't do it anymore.

Bottom line is I made the choices I made and I need(ed) to learn to live with and deal with those repercussions. My life isn't all sunshine and puffy little clouds. Things are far from resolved, but writing was important for me for so many reasons more than just Sir, and it's not something I'm still willing to give up. Granted, I may not have as much to write about here anymore, but I will try nevertheless because it has helped me in the past.

To give some updates on background... I shared awhile back my struggles with a few things. Mainly, Self-Injury. For me this has mostly taken the form of eating disorders. I would not and did not ever consider myself to be a "cutter" this was mostly a last resort. Though I have caused physical harm to my body outside of cutting and neglect in the past. Due to the struggles I was facing some months ago, I sought some comfort in these old behaviors as a way to cope and regain control of my life. Reflecting back, control is definitely something I gave up to Sir when I signed on for this. I guess that when he withdrew and our relationship began to crumble I no longer felt safe in his control. This caused a lot of problems to say the least. I lashed out in many ways trying to regain that balance.

I would definitely say that I have unresolved feelings in all that is and was going on. Sometimes, I even think I'm being resentful... If that makes any kind of sense at all. Sir fought really hard to break down a lot of barriers with me and build on the trust factors. It took a very long time for me to let go of all of those things I did to ensure I felt some level of control. In a way those things that were my safety net were just traded off and he became that safety net. So, when our relationship started getting rocky it makes sense that I felt a loss of control or not even control... security? and reached out to regain that through my need to control or rather... feel control. Resentment comes in to play in the fact that he got me to let go and put that trust and faith in him and then showed me in a way that I couldn't.

So that's where we are.... it's completely different. I'm not happy... I don't know how he feels... we rarely speak, yet we both appear to be hanging on and waiting for something... who knows?

A Break...

Just wanted to drop a line... I know I disappeared out of nowhere basically. It shouldn't be any surprise to those of you who read to know, I and we, were having some challenges. A lot of things transitioned/changed and it's something we are currently working through. I am sure if and/or when things get better between us and we are back on solid ground I will have updates....

As of now... life is pretty dull. I was basically given reprieve of all duties/tasks/obligations. Not something I had asked for, but rather something for me to reflect on. Bitter is a good word to describe how I was/am feeling regarding that. Trust goes a long way here... I have to trust that Sir knows whats best or has some master plan not yet revealed to me...

Things are starting to shift now though and take on some new light. So, all I can do is wait, learn, trust... big things for a little girl....

Thank You....

I wanted to take a few minutes to say thank you and update those of you who have shown your support and wondering how things are going. I am still hanging in there and there is a lot of work to be done.

I spoke with him for the first time in detail yesterday and as painful as it was, he was finally ready to talk to me about what was going on. I'd say we are definitely in the "rebuilding" phase. A lot is still undecided and I'm not really sure where things will go from here. But, we are talking and we are working through these issues.

So Thank you - Ill keep you all posted.

Soul Searching...

He is still very angry with me. We've barely spoken in nearly 5 days now. I've completely neglected my every rule and limitation and direction. I have made choices for my own reasons - be it right or wrong, and I've been told to do as I feel I need to. Which pretty much lets me off the hook for writing too.... so why am I here?

I guess a lot of it has to do with feeling like I have nowhere else to turn. It's not like I've been really open about this new journey I have been taking with anyone I know. It's not really something one would just bring up over coffee or out of the blue and since it's so new to me... I just kept it to myself really. I guess I just hope that somehow I would find comfort here.

The bottom line is, I don't know what is going to happen. I no longer know where I stand or if I even have ground to stand on where he is concerned. Every interaction we have is awkward and uneasy. He has stated his need to make some decisions and limited contact with me immensely. I am lucky to hear from him just once during the day. I am even luckier to receive responses to texts or emails.

I didn't like the way I was being treated, so I lashed out at him. I don't think he is upset about how I feel as much as he is how I communicated those feelings. He is really busy ALL the time. Sometimes he doesn't communicate with me for whole days. It's really quite hard for me to be understanding because he has asked me to do certain things if I need him. If I do what he has requested, a part of me expects him to be there in return. Therein lies the problem and something I've been struggling with since I opened my mouth on Friday. Is it my place to expect anything really?

And now I am faced with the fact that all of this is spanning beyond just my secret little bubble.... I have barely slept in the last 2 days....I sleep when I shouldn't. I'm awake when I should be asleep. I'm thinking about him when I should be focused on work and taking care of myself. Nothing is right. Things are very dark right now and I'm not sure when or if that will change. I don't blame him for being angry. I don't think he's wrong by any means. But that doesn't mean that I am ready to admit that I am wrong. I still feel very strongly about the way this all went down. I think we both could have made better decisions, but once again.... is it really my place to say so?

Screwing up...

I have no one to talk to about any of this right now.... I need to be able to talk to someone and there is no one. I have things to do....yet I dont want to do anything. I want to go to bed... I want to sleep. I wonder if I had just not said anything, just accepted everything as it is.... no I dont wonder, I know. I know everything would be fine, yet here i sit....nothing is fine, nothing is right and it is all my fault.... so what do I do now.... he said whatever I needed to do.... I feel like Im suffocating. There is no air.... everything has been sucked from me and Im alone in this space, just alone.

Reminders...

I'm often reminded that while I assume he expects perfection, Sir also expects me to make mistakes from time to time. I tend to be harder on myself when I do fudge up than he is on me. So much so that I wonder why in the heck he is taking it so easy on me. A time when I need to remind myself that it is not my place to punish myself. That I need to accept what is being said or done to address the issues by him and let it go.

There are a lot of things I need to remember. I find myself making lists when something is said or directed. I will spend time reading over my lists and reminding myself of where I have been and what I have learned, and what is expected.

Many things.... How I act is a big one. Reminding myself that what I do and say to others, how I behave in front of others... it is all a direct reflection of him. I like to pride myself on being all prim and proper, but I'm not... I have quite a trashy mouth from time to time and a short fuse when it comes to being patient. Some things have gotten better. I am much much more polite. I remember all my pleases and thank yous. My sirs and maams. I even get complicated rather frequently for being so sweet and polite. Sir has access to all my "electronic communications" with others. I am ok with it, I don't really question it ever. I was thinking earlier about a little "rant session" I went on with someone the other day, and to think about my language and my behavior when that was going on, I'm now somewhat embarrassed. Knowing Sir has read through it by now, he hasn't addressed it... I am not sure he will. I think sometimes he waits for me to realize things myself. It's part of the learning process. So, this is an awareness for me now... It has become so natural that he reads and has access to those things, that I don't give it much thought. I need to be giving it much thought! He expects me to act and speak a certain way... that is even when he is not physically present.

Speaking of speak! Certain things I have to say...some things I cannot say. I'm sure we all have our lists....

Not Permitted:
Sure / Ok / Whatever / Nevermind / But /
Name calling...even in jest its touchy
Sighs and all other forms of huffs or temper tantrums

Mandatory:
Yes, Sir / No, Sir / May I please, Sir

I think Sir has a completely different perception of things conversations. Sometimes I never even realize I'm doing or saying something permitted or otherwise... so quick to point it out, he is. It's normally a slap myself in the forehead moment, because I know - I know better. He calls it pulling me up short... I call him mean. That never goes over well, in fact it is always followed by a "do you want me to show you mean?" Or a "do you want to see what will happen if... ?" I know how to answer those questions - No, Sir - hehe.

My daily tasks are a little easier to remember because, well, I do them every day. Getting them done never seems to be the issue... the quality of them, however is. A most recently learned lesson and expectation. I have to put thought and care and effort into all of them because they have a purpose.... they aren't just busy work. He explained to me his thought behind all of them and why he requests what he does and it helped me to take more pride in what I am doing for him.

It's not just about what you say or how you act... the reminders involve lessons too... Normally long, drawn out conversations or punishments. Despite all that is said there seems to be one set of words that will always ring out.... that always remain floating in my head (or down on paper). Big ones for me have been the "you are lacking" lesson and the "I will not take what is his" lesson. I think that its odd how such small words resonate so loudly in my mind. They have such a strong effect on me personally in how I act, the way I handle things going forward. They roll off of Sir's tongue with such ease and serenity and my jaw hits the floor a ton of bricks. But that's how it always is, he is the calm in my storm. The rational one during my panic. His control is what grounds me and keeps me steady.

They are all important lessons, important expectations and rules....Whatever I need to do in order to remember them, I will do it. Notes on paper or events on the calendar... whatever it takes.

Weeeeee...

Well, I went on a tiny little vacation this week. Time away from home and work....yay! It wasnt as great as I thought it would be. Definitely a pleasant break from all things the norm. Unfortunately, I missed Sir very much which made the trip drag on longer than needed. He was also extremely busy with work and such so I didn't get to hear from him much during the trip.

While I am glad to be home, he is still very busy so our time continues to be limited. Today is actually the first day I have been able to return to my daily routines and tasking. I was excited to roll out of bed today knowing that this was in store for me. I often refer to my tasking as chores that need to be completed. Errands, so forth and so on. These things always were something I dreaded.... But now... I eagerly wait for the alarms to go off, the reminders to occur, the days to start over so that I can complete these tasks.

They are what tie me to him, remind me of my place, and keep me going throughout the days. I love him. I love doing things for him. I love pleasing him. Busy or not, I am something he can rely on. A break in his day to review my tasks will hopefully make him smile or feel greatful. Well, then it is worth it!

Seems like a gushy full of sunshine blogpost... I guess Ive just missed Sir so much the past week that I am happy to be tasking for him again.

Writing...

I start all of my writing here as something I intend to go "live". Most times, when I sit down to write, I have absolutely no idea what will come of it. Depending on how much has been said and to what degree, I have 2 options. I can send it to Sir or I can post it here. A lot goes into that decision... how much of myself I have exposed, how much of him I have exposed, if anything I said could be disrespectful of him or paint him in a negative light, the appropriateness of the topic.... Definitely something I sometimes struggle with, but all in all I manage - of course!

I will sometimes read through the specifics of others blogs and I think to myself... omg! I could never do that. Not because I feel what others is posting is wrong, but because it takes - hmmm - how do you say... balls! Well, that or just the strict law of another's Master! =) But still.... I respect each and every one of them for the way they put themselves out there and share as much as they do about themselves and their relationship. I cant imagine it's very easy and sometimes seeing the negative comments of viewers is rather apalling and frightening! So more power to you !

This is not something thats required of me. I also tend to be a very private person and sometimes even have a hard time sending my writings to Sir. Something that I have brought up to him recently. I didn't really get from it what I was looking for, other than to know it may or may not ever become easier for me. Bottom line is that it is expected regardless of how I feel about what I wrote. One effect of it is that I do feel exposed... which Im sure he will chime in to say "as it should be", another is that I get all nervous wondering if hes alredy read it or what he thinks. Often, I dont receive any response to my writing, occasionally I do. It depends on how important he feels it is that it be addressed I suppose. Though I will say that a lot of my writing is for me to be able to vent and clear my head... most of it doesnt need response or reaction. Ultimately though, that's his place to decide.

Staying there...

Some things have come up in the last 24 hours that are making it difficult for me to stay in my place. I'm only writing about it here, now, because I think that it will help me to remember. I am out of contact with Sir now indefinitely. I am not sure when I will hear from him again or have a moment to speak to him. It is not a punishment or anything like that. Really, I think that is what is making it all so difficult. Unplanned, unexpected, uninformed..... So I find myself grasping for any and all things that remind me that I am strong enough to handle this and stand on my own. Also, that it was unplanned not only for me but for him as well and he too is suffering. I know he would want me to understand and continue to do everything expected even though I am not currently in his presence. That is what is going to help me to get through today, tomorrow, this weekend... or however long it takes before I can hear from him again. That invisible tie that holds me to him.

An Assignment...

The first one in a long time came today... Nervous about it and excited all at the same time. We'll see how it goes !!!

Here is some eyecandy, pretty pictures & corsets! EDEN

You are lacking....

How can words be so painful... remember that rhyme we heard as kids? "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

If only that were true. Little triggers...daggers even. They slice through my mind and rip at my insides. He said I was lacking. No, not just lacking in one thing... Down the list we went.. Not we - ME... he wont tell me because he wants me to say it. To say it on my own because he knows I know. The pictures, writing, logs... lacking. "What about what you do for me," Sir said, "because you want to"....a month ago was the last time. That's when he sent the daggers flying, "You are lacking at that as well...."

So here we sit...as those three little words go to work in my head, I reflect.... "If you do so again, you will be in trouble, do you understand?" Yes, I replied..... "What?" I said Yes again.... "Yes isn't good enough" what I meant was "Yes, Sir."

This Weekend...

Wednesday night was quite an interesting one. Needless to say Sir and I got into an arguement, well really I got into an arguement because when that happens he tends to just sit there stewing in anger until I've managed to dig myself a hole so deep that I can't even get out of it on my own... I've been warned before about my presentation, but didn't manage to head those words very well in that moment. The result: not only was my time taken away that night, but I also was not permitted to do any of my tasking for him on Thursday or Friday. I asked when that was made clear to me if it was a form of punishment or not and received no answer at all, just ignored...

About midday on Friday, I received a message that we would be speaking that evening. I did not know at that time if I should be excited that I was going to get to talk to Sir for the first time in nearly 48 hours or if my heart was sinking because I was afraid of the conversation that would follow.

He gave me the opportunity again to express my concern, at first I was afraid to speak because I was sure that I would end up back in that hole I dug two nights previous. He has a way of saying, "I'm waiting" that scares the nerves out of me and makes me blurt stuff out. So I started slowly, calmly, as specific as I could be... paying attention to the tone of my voice as well as the volume and managed to get every last thought out. Then he said thank you...

Sir said he understood how I felt and where I was coming from. Knowing the issue for him is 99% of the battle... the rest is cake as soon as he figures it out. I feel foolish at times when this happens. I don't expect to get my way in things, I try really hard not to manipulate, though I do think some of that is just my personality. More than anything else, I just want to be heard and my feelings not to be disregarded. Of course when Im yelling and screaming and telling him how horrible he is, I'm sure its hard for him to see that, right? One day I'll get it correct! He also shared with me his perspective of me in that moment, why he pulled away and took 2 days to himself. Also, the taking away of my tasking was not a punishment per se, but just that he needed not to be faced with me in that time. I think when he said that, I would have rather it had been punishment, I just could not believe that I had been so naive as to push him that hard.

So, feeling better after the conversation, my dailies had been reinstated, and life will be getting better. It was a lot easier to deal with him being out of town this weekend. I feel it was probably the most respectful I have ever been of his time. It continued into the week thats already started as well. as the pieces begin to fall black into their places, I do as well and once the dust settles, we will both be stronger because of it.

Show & Tell...

I think I have been staring at this blank page for the past 10 minutes without typing anything... without knowing what to type. Lately it seems as though all my posts are going the same direction. Into that dark and whiney place.... Im tired of that place.

I've tried the positive attitude, but when you fake it - not quite the same effect. So anyways I refuse to go there today... I just dont want to, and everytime I start trying to think of something to write.... well it just goes there. So, I'm skipping that pity party as Sir referred to it & I'm sharing this instead:

....It's by John Churton Collins btw...

"If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts should we find"

Enjoy!

A Calm...

There is a peace inside of me when I can kneel. It was an expectation set some time ago. There are times when I do it just to center myself, a meditation of sorts, perhaps. It forces my mind into places where only he can put me. It forces me to reflect on my service to Sir.

Kaya had a quote on her blog today... "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up everytime we do"... Sir has said many times that he does not expect perfection. I think when you are staring into the face of correction and punishment it's very easy to be fooled into believing you are expected to be perfect. It's after the explosion, the correction, and the consequences are dealt with, when you have time to reflect, only then do you see the truth. Part of the reason I read others blogs... is to just know within myself that others are out there, experiencing what I do, feeling how I do, coping the way I do. Rationializing with myself that it's ok. We all fall and we all struggle with coping with that.

I wonder why I get so upset when I am struggling. It's almost like beating my head into a brick wall. I realize it's not the situation that is upsetting me.... it's how I am dealing with it or not dealing with it rather that becomes the issue. Disappointment in feeling that I've let Sir down.

I've made comments before about when I'm "not in his presence" ... how incorrect is that phrase. Thank you to Toy for giving me that trinket to ponder on... Sometimes we lose perspective. Thoughtful as she is, pointed out to me that even though I believe I am struggling with somethings, that it was actually quite the opposite. Yes, I was and am having a difficult time with some aspects of mine and Sir's relationship as of late, but that in those exact moments, I was actually accomplishing what I thought I was really failing at...An "invisible collar" she called it. Always in Sir's presence, whether he is physically here or not, using me or not.... Never really alone.

I go about my days, work, sleep, eat, clean, errands, bills.... moments, hours, days apart. Every second though, in service to him. Expected to do right by, accomplish, suceed in everything I do, for him. Sometimes it seems to one-sided. I find myself wondering if he's thinking of me in that moment to, or if I ever cross his mind. Something that's easy to forget is that there are some things Sir can get from anyone... anywhere. It's hard to remember in those times why he chose me. I remember reading "The Story of O" and the first time she is at Roissy undergoing her training... Rene takes another woman in her presence merely to show her that he is capable of obtaining that pleasure from others. This holds true for Sir, and in times it is overwhelming, but when I am able to wade through that fog in my head, I know that there are also things that I can give Sir that go beyond that. Things that only I can give him, because I am the one he chooses to do so.

A common theme...

Everytime I think I got this whole D/S thing understood something else happens and I fall deeper into it than I thought I could have been in the first place. Amazing, yes! Scary as hell... definitely ! I was talking with Sir about it last night and explaining.. he asked me how I felt about it and I was honest....

I mean, I just recently came to the realization that how I feel and what I want doesn't really matter. Now I dont mean he just dismisses my feelings. Sir does listen to them and consider them Im sure, but honestly it doesnt matter. He can take it into consideration but it doesnt mean anything. Deciphering between need and want is becoming increasingly more important. I want or I need....and I can't start it that way... "I want this, I need this...." Bad! Bad! Bad!

It's a little unnerving to let go of everything, kind of like I'm loosing a piece of myself. What's hard is remembering that it's not mine to hold onto. So, what are you left with? After you've been reprogrammed, broken down, and rebuilt? Sounds really bad, but I dont think I would trade it for anything else. I mean, I do struggle with it, but at the same time I'm proud that I can do those things for Sir. What makes it difficult is going through it alone...

Especially right now with all that we both have going on in our lives, time is very limited. I know he's always with me, guiding me, but not the same. I keep him close to me through that little ring. Acting as a reminder of who I belong to, where I should be, how I should act. It does make it easier to look down and see it there. However, a lot of times I do feel like I'm in limbo, I get into this place where I am going through things like this, these changes and hes not available. And it is something very new to me that I have a hard time coping with and dealing with at times. He has taken away a lot of my usual outlets, and then when hes not there on top of it.... it is easy to become resentful.

I think that having been able to realize all of this and take the next step will make our relationship stronger. I do believe it will make me stronger and things that I will hang onto now... well, ill hang onto remembering my place and that I am owned by him. That is what is important.

Observations...

Time... seems to be something I focus on a lot, something I bring up a lot...overrated, coincidental? It can be one of two things... I understand being busy, I try to respect Sir's time because its his to do with as he pleases. I wonder, if its so fine a line to walk. One thing has been lifted off of my Masters plate as of recently...I wonder if that could be the difference... or if its something much deeper...

I've been trying the past 2 weeks to get back into the grove of things... I was struggling with the ability to stay in my place without the guidance of Sir. Bad habits were surfacing and going without correction. I took it upon myself... maybe because I felt like I had turned blue expressing my opinion... which lets all be realistic, in some cases it's taken into account, but in others it really means jack... feeling like I had exhausted every single resource and feeling I had to make him understand - I was feeling neglected.... I gave up.

I felt like I couldn't win, like he couldnt see it my way...Interesting choice of words... my way. Maybe I forgot my purpose... so I reverted back to the things that I knew, that comforted me, the things I do for him. Day by day by day by day... rarely receiving acknowledgement. I felt like I was a little girl just looking for that pat on the head... those 2 words "good girl"... please notice me, please see me.... then yesterday.... he asked something of me. A new task, a new direction... the first in sooooooooooo long. I didn't even want to fight it...I didn't want to be shy... I just was eager to hear those words, "I want you to do something for me", I would have said Yes Sir before I even heard what it was at that point... just to have him ask, just to be able to give something....later, I heard what I had been longing for, for so long... "you did good girl"... *swoon* Blushing Im sure... I tried to play off how much it meant to me to hear that... but I think he knew.

So this transition, has made me think... did I learn a lesson here, is it mere conveinence of timing? When I am stronger... our relationship is stronger, more dynamic... I want to believe that I've learned something. I want to believe that things are going to get betternow because of it. A part of me does wonder though if its the coincidence. I guess the bottom line though is that if I want to have learned something in this, then I have done that regardless of timing or outside influences.

Thinking....

So, Sir has been very busy, so busy in fact, that I think it is wearing on him, not just physically but also emotionally. We have very little to no, in some cases , interation between one another beside casual exchanges of well wishes. I have of course explained to him how I feel about all of this and the toll that it is taking on our relationship. The expectation is that I trust him and what he says he wants. So, the struggle, becomes how to handle this while ommitting all normal reactions and feeling. I do trust him, and I've told him how I feel at this point, so its just a matter of waiting and accepting whatever decisions he makes regarding it.

I have been neglecting some of my required tasking and such because of how I feel lately regarding things. Maybe hoping for some type of reaction or punishment, anything at all that would remind me of my place and require attention from him... negative or positive. I dont know... it's very hard for me to feel that way and to want to serve when I have close to no contact with Sir. I do WANT to serve, suffer, task.... anything for him. But, its not my place to choose what those things consist of and with no direction from him, it prooves very difficult to remain in that mindset.

Grr.... but, I'm going to make an effort I suppose to do the things he once asked of me, and hope that it makes a difference... we shall see.

Still Here...

Been nearly a month since I've written, unfortunately there just has not been much going on to write about. Sir has been busy and handling his own concerns as of late. Busy with work and such he is. We are still doing ok, and I am hoping I will have more inspiration for my writing soon, unfortunately as of right now it just is not so. *pout*

Kneeling

If I want something or need something that I dont feel like I'm getting... my direction is to kneel for just 5 minutes in the corner and reflect on the difference and the best course of action for discussing it with Sir. If I want or need something and feel like being angry or pushy over it... the time spent kneeling doubles to 10 minutes and I must think about what reaction my pushing and demanding would have on Sir and my service to him. After kneeling I have to write to Sir to explain the trigger and the outcome of the session and then have a conversation with him regarding it.

For the first time since this new direction has been given, I had to kneel this morning. The time forced me to look at the situation from an outside perspective. Sir's perspective to be exact. Where he sees my place to be in every situation regardless of the content of it. So I took my time and I thought about what was upsetting me and why and if it was something.... hmm I dont want to say legitmate... I guess its the difference between want and need... and being able to separate the two. Having my discussion with Sir afterwards was not easy. He asks me to write alot because I tend to express myself better in written form... it's one of the reasons why I was it was requested that I start this blog. He still wanted the thoughts and details verbally and I didn't really want to discuss it. Of course that means... jack shit... =) So we did discuss....

By the end of the conversation I was crying.... not because I was hurt or upset. I just feel that lately I have been struggling so much with my submission to Sir and I hate it. It's so much work and none of it easy... My main fear is letting him down. His expectations and standards are very high for me, he says he sets them that way because he knows what I am capable of. Which of course is even more pressure. I really feel that the last 2 weeks have initiated a shift, or transition, in my service to Sir. It's just reached a different level really... not in a bad way at all. Just a deeper, more devoted, level of service.

New Direction

Sir will often remind me of our agreement... "do you remember the terms? you chose this, you agreed to this..." He thinks I forget sometimes... I am not his equal, no, not even close. A right I have is to bring my concerns to him, yes, but this does not put me on level playing ground with him. He takes what I have to say without a word and then politely asks me if I am done. Then it comes... the reminder... and then the direction.

Sometimes, I accept it, with a big hearty sigh... was I even heard? Sometimes, I get "pushy" as he calls it. Which does force his hand yes, but not in the way the little girl would prefer. It makes things worse of course. So I made the comment, "what am I supposed to just give unconditionally regardless of my own desires or wants?" Of course you are little girl....Grrrrr when I think I have made progress, when I think I get it, when I think I understand - that little voice in my head just comes right out and snap!

So much doubt races around me. I begin to question... Do I make Sir happy? Can I be everything he wants of me? Not my questions to ask.... not my decision to make.... He hasn't released me from his service, so there must be something. I want to be his star... the one who can do everything, provide everything, support him, submit to him... more than anyone else. So I have to remind myself that the others don't matter... that they dont belong to him. Sir cant take from them, use them, rely on them the way he does me... even if I'm last on this list... I'm still the one he calls baby girl and the only one who calls him Daddy at the end of the day.

So, how do I break down everything else, and just take pride and be content with that? That.... which is supposed to be everything to me. That which matters so much to me.... Reading over this you would think that I should realize, I already have everything I so much desire.

Baby Steps

Things are slowly returning to normal... the past couple days have been an emotional rollercoaster. Up and down and up and down. Discussion after discussion. I feel like things are shifting a bit. I'm not sure which direction they are going, but it is progress none the less. I was reading somewhere the other day and saw a comment made by someone that sometimes things need to fall apart just so they can be built back up differently, and hopefully better in this case...

I wouldnt say things have fallen apart, I dont really think they were close to either. I do think things have been fairly rocky for me at least. I dont know if Sir saw the same things effecting our relationship as I did, but now we both know and understand the issues, which makes it easier to deal with I suppose. Thats good at least. So now I just need to take my baby steps and see how things go. Slow and Steady...

I am greatful though. He's taken so much of everything Ive said in and really thought about it, digested it, and worked towards solutions..... it's definitely reassuring.

Something Light...

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."

~*~ Courtesy of Anais Nin ~*~

Stay...

I have not been writing here much... for a multitude of reasons really. A lot has been going on but at the same time, not much going on.... Sir has been very busy. He has filled his schedule with a lot of things because he doesnt like to be idle...It's good for him and it definitely helps him keep his spirits. He is a different person than he was when he had no plans, no commitments, and nothing to do... He's happier.... Unfortunately, it leaves less time for us... for me.

I made the comment to him the other day that it's funny how something that was so hard to build up seems to fragile and delicate. A steady balance of time, direction, desire, communication, emotion.... all resting on this little ledge, pressed against the wall, trying not to fall off....I've been feeling the pressure lately, as I sit idley by and wait... I've gotten a lot of helpful feedback from friends about what I can do and how it is important for me to remain emotionally and physically strong for Sir. That I need to be able to stand alone in his "presence" for when the time and direction is not there. Think and act on my own in his best interest... and I've been doing that quite well and he agrees, unfortunately I feel I reached the end of my rope... there just comes a time when you miss a person so much that it hurts... I miss my Daddy.

I miss his attention, I miss him needing things of me, I miss the way he makes me feel when he talks about me, when he says the things he wants to do, when he does the things that make me feel my place. I miss feeling whole, and I miss the feeling that I belong to someone. I havent been writing publicly about this yet, because I feel its really important for me to communicate it with Sir first. My writing here is secondary to my communication with him, and while daily journaling is required of me in my service to him, it does not need to be done or shared publicly until it has been discussed with Sir or directed by Sir specifically. I have shared my feelings with him and he is working towards a solution.

I guess in a dream world I expected him to say wow you're right I feel the same way, lets fix things. Of course nothing is that easy... not even for Sir. Everything takes thought, discussion, thought, discussion, thought, discussion.... I feel a great deal of love for him. He was a friend before and above all else to me when this started. I supposed I'm a bit of a romantic in thinking that love is all you need. The rest just falls into place, right? Apparently not... rude awakening for the little girl.

From my perspective, I just think, I made him the center of my world. Every action, every thought, every thing.... belongs to him. With him pulling out of that role in this busy time it leaves me rather aloof to say the least... without a purpose maybe? So I continue on, grasping tightly to the moments I do have, completing my daily tasks with vigorous execution, wishing there was more to do. I make myself ready for that moment when it all comes back to "center" by continuing to do whats expected, taking care of myself as much as possibly from a physical and emotional aspect. I stay and I wait.... for when he'll need me again....and I hope.

All Around Me...

All Around Me Lyrics by Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to to fadeInto our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand I give it you
Now you own me, All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you, I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

Growing....

I always like to take time to reflect on growth. Not very long ago I was not even exposed to bdsm in anything more than a "bedroom play" type of understanding. I have to say Kudos to all the people who take this to the next level, out of the bedroom and into a lifestyle. It is definitely hard work... harder than any other relationship. The level of dedication and commitment is much much more. The trust factor is so intense that its tiring at times. Then there is always communication....

I don't think I expected this to be a cake walk. I don't think I really understood how difficult it would be either. There are many times when I have said or expressed my feelings of being overwhelmed and have been told by Sir that I had made a committment to this and to him and that he made it clear from the beginning what would be expected. And he did... there is not doubt about that. I'm just not sure that I really understood at that moment how much work would go into it.

I've said many times before that I feel very blessed to have been chosen by Sir to be able to provide him this service. He is not only my Master, but also a teacher for me. I've learned a lot about myself. He has opened up corners of my mind that even I like to stay away from and forced me to look into myself and face those things. It's all helped me grow so much not only physically but also emotionally. I've always known how to communicate but I cannot say that I have always done so efficiently. The presentation factor plays a lot into that now as it is something that has been drilled into my brain. I can honestly say I've always been a spoiled "little girl" even before Sir came along and dubbed me that. That in and of itself has always made it very easy for me to just pout and whine and get my way. Definitely something that does not work with Sir... in fact, the pouting rather eggs him on in not allowing me my way. It's forced me to look at how to communicate and how to come to him with issues and concerns and also how to take his constructive criticism on a very productive level.

On the topic of being spoiled, this is also something else that I am not where Sir is concerned. It has forced me to really appreciate the things I do get. It can be simple things he says or does, or time that is given. It has definitely taught me to respect a lot more and not take things for granted so often. I guess I don't really have a point in all of this....Just wanted to take the time to think about this and reflect on the things that have made me stronger. I guess also once again to say my thanks to Sir for choosing me =)

Back to Life....

Been away as of late due to work. Which of course made it next to impossible to do my daily tasking and such. So I'm settled back in now and need to resume my daily obligations and tasking. Things have been interesting to say the least....

I knew time was going to change as I mentioned in a previous post. Something that I have struggled with in the past for sure was time and lack there of. I learned a very difficult lesson in the past month or so regarding that though and have learned to set aside my insecurites or needs for that time in order to be able to still provide service. I would say it has had adverse effects. It has made me more independent with my own time when Sir is busy with other things in addition to letting me feel better about the time he takes away. The issue? Looking at my statement I see things like "independent" and "my own time". The problem is that I don't want to be independent of Sir and I don't want to consider anything my own. Independent yet... good trait and it makes me feel stronger emotionally as well.... but I want Sir to be involved in my life, not necessarily always directing, but be an actual part of my life. That has not been the case lately. In fact in my opinion lately we have been living two very separate lives and only crossing paths when it best fit. The time when we have crossed paths has been so very limited that the chemistry and control is not there in such little time. The dynamic of the relationship has changed. As far as it being my own time. I've always experienced that what is mine is his.... it is not really mine any longer as all of my belongs to Sir physically, emotionally.... it is all his. My feelings are his to do with as he pleases.... my body, the same.... My time isn't really my own... But maybe it has become that way because of the dynamic.

I think it is a balancing act for sure between the two worlds. There is going to be time when life takes us apart and in our own directions, but that connection between us should still and always be there. I guess in this scenario I did not feel it happen. I know that Sir has been missing that dynamic as well and he made clear to me how he felt about the situation when we had some extra time last night. We will have to see how easily things revert back to normal for us. For me, I'm not sure where it has left me.... I've wondered things like, is this how it will be if I just back down and wait for him, his decisions and ability to give time or to use me or require that service I've dedicated myself too? Is this all he needs from me? Do we want different things from one another? It's not a pleasant place, and although Ive learned that it is not my place to question his decisions, it does not make accepting them any easier. That is my duty though. so we shall see how things adapt over the next week or so and how easily it is for us to fall back into one another... here's hoping!

Other than all of that nonsense! =) Lots of other changes have been happening with work and also in goals I have set for myself. Good stuff. I made some changes at work that have to do with quality of life! I've always been the type to absolutely pour myself into everything I do. That included working 60+ hours a week for heartless bastards who never wanted to take the time to recognize what I was doing as a good thing. And, if I don'd mind saying so, what I thought I was doing was really great work! So I decided to say so long to the politics and drama of that world and change jobs. Now I'm working in a much more rewarding environment, for many less hours, and much nicer people! Imagine that. So it has been a very positive change and is causing less drama in my life... yay!

Personal health also a topic for discussion as of late....I've seen many debates and heard many opinions about a submissives responsibility to take care of the body that is owned by his or her Master. I am a believer of the fact that I should be taking care of myself in a sense of being at a healthy weight and in shape. I think I have also shared on my blog before of the challenges I have had with self harming eating disorders as well. So it has definitely proven to be a challenge for me. So now I'm working on a more nutritional menu day to day and have made a commitment to be more physically active and am even working with a personal trainer. I think this will help with more than just the physical aspects of things as obviously my body will be healthier as well as my mind. Definitely something that will help with the confidence and the insecurities. So we shall see how this goes. Not to mention it gives me something to do when I'm alone during the days and nights when Sir is away.

So yea, lots of changes... lots going on... all in all I'm doing well with managing it and hopefully it is something Sir will be able to have a bigger part in soon as time changes for him as well, but we shall see!

Random

When things are good, there is less to write about... go figure. Well, that is of course unless Sir has given me a specific task to document. So, today is no different.... I have very little to write about.... so .... a few random thoughts:

Sir has changed things... I've never been allowed to mastrubate without permission and I've always asked, but now Im required to ask not only for the chance to mastrubate but also to come. Little things have been changing... in a good way. The way he asks for things, says things, directs me. He's taking more and more control every day and his expectations of me are becoming more and more. I am responsible for more...this all makes me a very happy little girl. His very happy little girl....

I am concerned about something though. Our time is going to change soon due to other obligations of both of us. I don't know if it's just not knowing how it will effect things or just worried that it may effect things. I would like to think that I have grown, and we have grown enough over the past few weeks that it wont change anything. But, I will miss having all the time.....so much time. I think I am spoiled.... he says he does not spoil me, but what he gives.....when he gives... i gobble it all up! I consider me spoiled but that is just my opinion, which of course means jack shit, but still my opinion.

Life is good...

Well, it has been a rocky road, full of challenges, and lows as of late.... but that ended last week when Sir gave me time on Tuesday to correct somethings between us. We talked about how I was feeling and why... he gave me open forum to express my concerns and issues. I'm always weary with open forum because there are things you just don't say, but he wanted to hear them and that was my direction at that point. So I let it all out, I let it all go and he heard it all. Sir needed me to let him go at the end because he was feeling irritated, but things were made clear to me before that. Presentation is everything. I have to bring everything to Sir, that's the expectation. That does not mean bitch sessions are welcome and I need to be poised and proper in bringing issues, concerns, thoughts, and feelings to him.

Since that conversation, things have been changing. I would not say that they have been changing drastically, but slow and steady is more like it. He is interacting with me differently, and I him. It's better and it's more consistent and we are actually enjoying the others' company and not just tip-toe'ing through our interactions. I think the most difficult part of this journey for me has been the trust issue. Learning to trust... completely. I let go... the last brick of that wall has fallen. Im no longer clinging to ideas of what was or what MIGHT be... I take what is there for what it is. I know my place in Sir's life. I know what he wants of me, what he expects of me, and where I sit in that world of his. It is my place there on that pedestal. It is my responsibility and mine only to provide service to him. Others may come and go, but they do not take the place he has given me. I am his to control in body, mind, and spirit.

I love my Sir, my Master; he is everything to me, and I am here to please him. Until Sir decides he no longer wishes to have me in his service - that is my place and that is where I will remain. Sir says that is forever.. I only wish to be so lucky.

Sharing...

Sir and i have spoken a little on this topic before. When i say sharing, i mean sharing someone with each other. I personally think women are the most absolutely beautiful creatures to ever walk the earth! Having said that I definitely do not mind a romp around the bed with one. Sir is aware of my desires and he's always very supportive. i will sometimes mention interest in someone I know or I have met and he will ask me to bring him pictures of said person. i think the first time I was asked to do such a thing panic washed over me a bit! but - how - what - when - omg ! hehe Then his clever little "to your place girl" words followed ... "i'm waiting." yes Sir!

So, he's asked me how I feel about bringing girls to him, with their consent. The thought of actually doing it makes me nervous the idea in and of itself does not though. i guess I just think of it as providing service to him. i mean if I can bring someone to him and he can obtain pleasure from that, then its essentially my doing. I tend not to be the jealous type... so long as I am involved in the process and all parties are aware of my place (small disclaimer ;)... in fact the idea of watching Sir with another woman is quite an erotic one for me. I am sure sometimes he would let me play too - when he chooses of course - but even without the ability to be physically involved i would still get satisfaction of pleasuring Sir even through a medium and I know he would thank me for it later in his own way...I just have to learn how to broach the topic when the time comes and not be so dang nervous about it!

I know my place and I know that regardless of whomever I would bring home to him or for us that she wouldn't be able to replace me in his eyes. i would think that is why the idea of it doesn't intimidate me. It is just that.. sex... it's not a relationship and she isnt his. I am. Besides, the bottom line is that Sir gets what Sir wants. I'm just there to provide it =) And if my interest in women on a sexual level has resulted in him wanting these things, or maybe that desire was already there and knowing my feelings has just brough it forward, then I have no issues providing him with that delicious sin.

Outside Influences...

When I write everyday I tend to run out of things to say or reflect on... that's when I solicit the help from Sir because of course he still expects to see something even if there is nothing I can come up with on my own...

So his suggestion was to write about outside influences and how I keep them from interfering with our relationship. Wow ok sooo the first thing that come to mind was that I have no idea how I do this... but I think that its one of those things that I do without realizing so of course explain it here wont come easy cause as usual Sir likes to stretch my mind and teach me something =)


I guess the main thing I do is make sure that he is aware of absolutely everything thats going on in my life whether its embarassing or personal... good word there personal... because really and truly that explains it... I don't have anything thats just mine. I am his and therefore everything that I feel and everything I do it belongs to him. If I dont share those things with him and he doesnt know whats going on in my life when he's not around or involved - that is when it is going to effect our relationship.


Presentation is a good thing here to talk about... definitely somewhere I need to grow... how I bring those outside influences to Sir is really important... I mean yea he is there for me to comfort me when I need it, but ultimately he is my Master and the information Im needing to communicate to him is just that information. This is where I have the most issues right now in depending on him to be able to fix everything even when Im failing to communicate it with him. Sir always reminds me that he never fails me when I am open and honest... I may not always like what he has to say or how he chooses to handle things, but he never fails me and thats whats important...

Speaking of not failing... the other thing I try to do has to do with when whatever it is... my day to day interactment with others be it good or bad.. I know that if I do the best that I can in every situation that I will not be failing Sir. If i don't want my interaction with outside influences to effect our relationship the best medicine is just to make sure that I am handling things in a way that he would want me to.

Tough Love

Posted yesterday about control and solicited some help... I titled the blog post "tough love" because thats how I saw it. Thanks to Luna who said something I think I needed to hear:

"the only thing i can suggest is what i remind myself of occasionally - that he's my dominant, not my babysitter, and finding ways to improve myself and keep myself physically and emotionally strong is *also* my responsibility to him."

I think that at the time, this was probably what I REALLY needed most to hear. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way that I forget my place. I just end up spinning in circles and things pile up until I cant see up from down or left from right. Sir has always pointed out that when I get to that point I start taking back control. Which is *ironic* (hehe just for you Sir) since my issue is lack of control!

Oy! And how things go round and round.... So I took the "tough love" from Luna - thank you! - he is my dominant and I need to trust him and believe in him. I need to wait when he wants me to wait and trust that he will give me time when its best for both of us. When I talked to Sir about all of this he mentioned that another thing about me is that when I get like this he does pull back some because I get pushy and that's bad because its not my place. Which really doesn't help because once he does pull back then I start feeling that tension and it makes things worse.

I do need to get better about being stronger emotionally for him (even though he does love it when I cry ;) and I'm going to work on that and presentation. So I have a new standing order when I am feeling odd and I have to write it before I say it until I learn how to say it right!

Control

Task for Sir as we work through some struggles I have been having.... I would be open to feedback on something from anyone who is reading this. I've been trying to explain how I feel to Sir when I am not being taken advantage of, controlled, directed. Sir made a comment last night that he cannot always be giving me direction and I know this is true, however it was not the point I was trying to make. I don't know how to explain it to him and he is trying desperately to understand. I don't need to be receiving direction 24/7 in order to feel the control he has, but when control is not there I get into a bad place. I'm trying to find a way to explain to him what I need but havent been able to find the words.

I mean, it can be the simplest thing... such as giving me a command - something he doesnt even think about to do. There are things and an attitude that exhibit who has the control, that put me in my place....small things... things that don't require constant attention. Sometimes yes that involves giving specific direction or tasks.... but not always. I wish I could find the words to explain because I really dont like feeling this way and it's taking a negative toll on the both of us....any feedback here would be greatly appreciated... what do you do when you are having a problem communicating something to your Sir? How do you explain a "feeling"? =/

With Control:

• free
• protected
• loved
• cherished
• safe
• sense of purpose
• in my place

Without Control:

• unimportant
• not needed
• lost
• ornery
• alone
• unmotivated
• sassy
• scared

how it started...

I wrote this along time ago, when I made a decision and an agreement with Sir to be his. I needed to read it today because I needed to remember why this is what I want...

I wanted to spend some time this morning reflecting on the path I'm walking down and the reasons behind it. I want this to serve as a reminder for myself if I loose sight of what I believe to be what I truly desire. I consider myself a strong and independent woman. I am good at what I do in business and I have a very demanding drive for myself. Ive come to feel that its because of thisthat my need or want is to submit to someone else whom I trust when I'm not in that roll. I would say I have power in my 40+ hour work weeks every 52 of them in the year. It is nice to experience powerlessness at the hands of someone else. At first I had a hard time seeing myself in the same light he did. I was believing myself to be far from submissive. I think the misconception with those of us who are deemed "vanilla" is that a submissive person is seen as someone weak. I always thought to myself then I wouldn't submit to anything. In fact Id fight tooth and nail in order to be the best at what I do and the strongest. That in and of itself is the misconception. Its more so a person being submissive to another. Which, by the way, I now feel to be very brave and far from weak. I wouldn't see myself doing the things he asks or could ask of me for anyone else. I choose to relinquish that power/control specifically to him. Little did I know at the time what I thought far to be submissive in nature could very well be why I am comfortable with being submissive to him. I still want to be the good little girl when he asks me to do something for him. Its not far from yearning for appreciation or acknowledgement from a professor or supervisor. However it is different. It's different in the feeling that its like a vacation. I'm very high strung and anyone who knows me will agree.. I go full speed ahead at 100mph all the time. When he is around me, I slow down. I rely on him to lead me, to decide for me, to take care of me. Slowly and surely every wall and every defense I've built up around me falls away. That feeling of a loss of control is and of itself not only erotic in nature to me, but also very invigorating. It's like a vacation from my everyday stress and worries. It refreshes me for the next day and the next moment. The idea of going home every night to that type of relationship is very soothing to me. It's something I long for immensely.

I'm still a student in this lifestyle. I know Ive barely even scratched the surface with the possibilities. I cannot see myself pursuing these desires with anyone else at this point. I'm not saying that I should. I just feel that when we started these conversations and he began to explain his preferences to me that was a journey I embarked on that I'm not ready to let go of. I know what I want. That's not it. Reading over this it sounds like my only interest in Sir is what he can teach me. In fact Ive said very little about what draws me to him. As I reflect though it is his characteristics as a Dominant that are what truly draw me to him. I like who I am when I am with him and it speaks volumes to me. I feel like he knows me, and what he doesn't know of me he really wants to. I feel cherished and loved by his words and actions. hehe... I think of a way to put this into words and you always hear about the "trophy wife"... Well I mean essentially that's how he makes me feel which I guess would seem odd to most. I like the idea of being the good little girl that hes proud of and one that he can show off. In order to get that appreciation and approval though I have to please him. When I'm with him I can be myself. I can cry, I can laugh, I can struggle... he doesn't judge me. He's patient and kind and he has a way of making me comfortable with pretty much everything. I think I still have more I need to trust him with. I don't think I've really let go of all the walls and all the defenses, but I'm learning and he's teaching. The more I come to realize that I can rely on him for anything, the more I rely on him. It's these things that led me to fall in love with him. I don't think that makes me shallow. I think if everyone can find someone that they can truly trust all of themselves to, no matter the demons, that we would all be very lucky people. I just think in this case, the reason I've been able to follow this road is because of his lifestyle. I think if it wasn't because of that, then he would not have been able to truly show me myself and the connection wouldn't necessarily be as strong. We've always flirted and had that chemistry, but its because of the communication and the guidance that we have and hes shown me that's taken it to the next level.

waiting my turn...

I sit and wait mostly patient (I say mostly because I know I give Sir a run for his money sometimes) for my turn. When he decides he will pay me attention or take advantage. The waiting is the hard part. I spend all this time making sure I am readily available for whatever he decides he will need and whenever that will be. Studying, reading, writing, watching, listening, learning... aching for that moment when it will pay off.

Sir has been pretty busy lately. I asked earlier why it seems the time he chooses to allow it to effect mostly effects me over others... he says it effects everyone. I think sometimes he pushes me though. I cannot tell if it is because he does not know how to handle my struggling with it, or because he enjoys watching me squirm. He does always do his best to reassure me that he still needs me....even when he's not directly "using" me... I think under other circumstances... perhaps in the past... had I thought something like that I would probably question the type of relationship I was in....

The fact of the matter is, this relationship I'm in... I knew what it was... I agreed to it and accepted it. I want those things...I need those things... I love Sir with all my heart and I know he loves me. I live for the moments where he needs me to do something for him - whatever it is... I want him to take advantage of me, use me, take me.... when he can do those things... when he does those things... I feel fulfilled. I feel it is my purpose, my reason, my place. I miss them when they aren't there....

So I wait... patiently... for my turn...

Insecurities

I will often go back and read something I've written to Sir or for Sir. Sometimes if I read back over something I've written while I was angry or upset and I will be surprised at how I acted. Other times Ill look back over something I had studied and then wrote about.... Below is an older assignment I had.

I reread this today because I felt like I was once again letting my own lack of confidence and insecurities step in between Sir and I. The time it took to reflect did help a bit, it reminded me of how I felt after doing the task and study and focused me a little more... which I think is something I needed at this moment.

I find myself needing to read and understand on a regular basis now. I think in some way it enables me to feel closer to him while hes unavailable or away... I also ordered the book to follow this one. It should be here just after thanksgiving so i need to get caught up on my reading as I am anxious to begin the fiction that's on its way.

Today's chapter was on scenes and how they work and the thought that goes into them.. One of my favorites I read today was a fantasy scene that the author did with his submissive. It was an induction into a coven of witches. The sensory aspects of this particular scene sent chills through me even as an outside observer. The intense thought and preparation put into the scene by her Master was overwhelming...The music, the odors, the different voices... it's incredible how much care goes into these types of things. It takes a lot of concern away mainly because the extent to which her Master went through for his subs is very reassuring about their feelings for one another.

I also learned today that my insecurities about the lifestyle are not abnormal. The author wrote that submissives often need to be reassured as to their inherent worth, especially after a particularly intense scene. The author also mentioned that submissives will often be reluctant to say anything that can be taken as criticism even when asked, but by eliciting negative comments or feelings from the submissive and welcoming them in an adult manner it would do much to build the self worth of the sub and their opinion of their Master.

He corrected me the other night in what I was saying because he felt I was saying what he wanted to hear instead of how I really felt... I often fear giving the wrong answer to a question asked, while in that particular situation I was trying to be as honest as possible i can say that this often crosses my mind. What is the right answer? What if he does not like what I have to say? i must learn to be more honest with myself and him so that we both can learn from the situation and grow on it. I would not want my insecurities to adversely effect the progress that we could make as a couple....

Collared

I was out tonight with some friends, Sir excluded as he was busy with his own plans... Anyways, our server was wearing this beaded choker type thing around her neck with a heart shaped name tag on it...like the kind you get in the pet store... and the word "girl". Jealous I was.... not just that she was owned, but also her ability to wear it out and about around others.

It's hard for me to see what others have. I have a bad habit on focusing on what I don't have and not enough on what I do have. Sir has corrected me many times before. He says I need to focus more on the solution and less on the problem. He is right, but wearing his collar is something he's considered before, yet not something I have been privileged enough to earn. I know its not something to be taken lightly.

I don't know why it is so important to me, but well yes I do... Just when sir first mentioned he was considering it, I was caught off guard to know he thought that way. I am really hard on myself... sometimes too hard and the behavior and feelings that result because of that are always corrected. I just didn't expect to hear him say that at that point. It was something I had always looked forward to, hoped would happen, etc... Then it was followed up with a "Just considering" comment and mentioned how he still had a concern with it.

I try really hard to do right by Sir, and he says that under the circumstance I do really well. I try not to let other's experience get me down, but sometimes I get envious or jealous of the situations or interactions of other subs with their dom/mes. I guess I'm just looking forward to the day when Sir decides I'm ready to wear his collar.

Time

It's a valuable thing. Something I cherish whenever I get it. This is something I've been struggling with as of late. Sir has been being so patient with it, with me. He is making more efforts to include me in time he is spending with others. In doing so for me, I have done the same for him. Even though it pans out to only be a few more minutes here or there and a couple extra phone calls, it's not about the time, it's about feeling like I'm involved in more of his life than just what I am to him alone.

The more obstacles we overcome, the more communication we have, the more we open up to each other... it becomes more reassuring to me that this is right. It's hard work all the time. Easily the most time intensive and detail oriented relationship I have been a part of. Moments like this when I realize how the hard work on a particular situation has paid of, makes it worth it. makes all of the tears and hours of communication and struggling worth it. I look back now on how badly I wanted to run away or shut down during that time and I end up being really glad that Sir pushed me as hard as he did to hang in there and fight for it.

Misconceptions

I hate when I am around someone and they say something off key about the lifestyle. It doesn't have to be that they are wrong, just that they say something that isn't entirely right or they just don't get what they are saying. I'm of the mind that if you just don't get it then you should keep your mouth shut instead of spouting off some incessant bullshit and try to sound like you know what you are talking about. Not only are you making a fool of yourself to anyone who really understands what you are talking about, you are just being naive.

Someone very close to me judged "people like that" tonight and when I say very close.... grrrr I mean very close. It's upsetting to say the least. I mean, I expect to hear it from time to time from random people... people I don't know, but when I'm being judged by friends or family for my choices... it's a completely different feeling.

I know that they don't realize it's me they are insulting with their snide comments or remarks, but it just goes to show that you should always watch what you say because you don't know how it will effect the people around you... the people you supposedly care about.

133

That's what time it is... 1:33 AM. I cannot sleep. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm overthinking as usual. I did well today. Sir said so =) I did not dwell so long that thoughts imploded inside of me. I came to Sir and I told him I needed time to discuss and he made it right away, though I wasn't asking for this. Startled and caught offguard of course, I was thinking I would have some time to work up the nerves, haha funny! Speak! So I began trying to explain how my thoughts take over.

I have this funny thing that happens in my head where something is going on in my mind that should not be and I'm telling myself, "Self, that's not yours to decided" or "you know better than that and you know your place". YES! Yes I do so stop stop stop get out of my head. Gah he said tell him specifically the thoughts! Oh geez, but he could have been so mad for hearing what was going on in there... *gulp* then the one word..... "girl" and I just spilled my guts... hehe

Time to change things he says, the expectation is there now, but Sir I was trying. And he knows and he explains why and he reassures me it is not punishment. So much more to talk about, but it felt good tonight that he recognized the progress. I brought the issues to him within 24 hours which is so very new. The struggles... they are nothing specific. They are insecurities. I don't know the trigger I just know how it makes me feel... YUCK!

It's the transition between girl and woman. I spent years and years learning to hide the self hurting and the feelings and thoughts in my mind. I learned and taught myself how to act... now, that's all being undone. I feel safe when I'm in his presence and that's the only time. Outside of that bubble, people are judging... things can happen... I'm not protected... he's not there. Severe abandonment issues... the minutes away are soooo draining. Luckily it is not a constant thing... comes and goes... but still no idea on the trigger. We are going to talk more about it after the long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Sir tries so hard and he says straight out he doesn't have the answer, but he stands by me and he loves me, because I'm his little girl.

Sir

Talking with Sir this afternoon, and I mentioned not having decided yet what I would write about. He was making a funny, but of course I ducked and missed it, and he said I should write about him. I said... hmmm... Well I always kind of write about you. After he pointed out he was making a funny I kind of chuckled but then had an idea to write about him anyways. Why he is important to me, why I love him, how we came to be, and all that other gushy stuff. I mean yes of course I'm almost always writing about him. That's generally because of the type of writing he requires of me is to reflect upon events or things that have happened because he believes it helps me.

So anyways, it's like one of those things that you take for granted because its there every day. When I started this journey and this relationship with Sir. I knew absolutely nothing about the lifestyle. We were friends for a longggggg time before anything romantic. You know there's always that playful flirting that people do when there's chemistry but our friendship was strictly platonic.... One day we started talking more in depth about our current and past relationships with people and he opened up to me about the type of lifestyle he prefers to live. I think he must have really trusted me and been extremely comfortable with me to do this. Of course at first I didn't get all the juicy details, just the dynamic and what it meant. I think until then that I didn't realize that BDSM could even reach beyond just bedroom play.

Sir tried to show how his traits even in a vanilla dynamic shined through in the way he interacted with me on our current, playfully flirting platform. There were times when, I will say... hmmm I was overly intoxicated and doing this - not normally a good idea for a 20something girl to do - walking through the crowded streets of a city in the middle of the night drinking =) Straying from the group... such a naughty girl I was. Yet Sir was their, lurking in the shadows I say, watching over me =) He also tried to explain to me things he saw in me. Traits he says make me who I am, that I've tended to push back into the dark corners of my mind. I'm grateful of that conversation nearly every day... When I think about how I can't do this, or it's too difficult to do this, that particular conversation and day is something I like to play through in my head over and over again. That day, nearly 2 years gone now, is still fresh in my memory like so many of the conversations we've had.

I like to think I've come a long way since then. Sir seems to think so too. One think I can count on is the growth. Sir is the best teacher, he is kind and patient. Even when correcting behavior he is reasonable. He is always calm. In that eerie "I wish you would get angry" way. He has never raised his voice to me. Now I will say, sometimes my tongue gets the best of me and he will often try to correct THAT behavior in his "I'm a cool, calm, collected Dom" voice - which doesn't work - and need to speak over me blurting out my full name... talk about pulling me up short =) Another thing I can always count on him to do. Easy NOT to make a mistake when he is around... there's that line I can begin walking and then Sir always grounds me with that warning... the way his voice changes ever so slightly that says he means business =)

Even when we are apart, I can feel his presence, always there, always in my mind, always protecting me. It's not an easy place to stay. A lot of times I wish I could just run away and hide, but there is something about Sir knowing me they way he does. Knowing every inch of me, inside and out. I think when it began it was hard to understand. It was hard to get used to him always being in my head. Sometimes it still is, but usually.... now it is the most incredibly wonderful place. I don't have to worry about anything other than just this one thing... To be known so well, better than you know yourself really... it's a very protected feeling...

Things are never always perfect. There are good days and there are bad. Just like with any relationship. We have our hardships and we both have moments where we mess things up. Sir always puts the pieces back together. It takes time, and it's more intensive than just apologizing and moving on. But, Sir is dedicated. He is dedicated to me and our relationship and he wants us to succeed. I think he has a hard time with me... I don't think I make things easy on him. I try to do right by him. I try to do right by us and I do know my place. But I definitely do not make things even. I can be the most stubborn of a brat and oh do i like to run. Good thing he keeps a short leash around. ;)

His persistence and his dedication to our relationship is why I love him most. I know he does not take me for granted or the things I do for him. It is so easy to love him seeing how much he loves me. I would gladly stay balled up at his feet for ever and ever if he would let me. I would wait for hours, days, weeks, months for him to just use me once...even if it was only for a fraction of the time I had waited. I've never been loved the way he loves me. I've never known someone to believe so much in me. I've never before ever met a man like him. I'm so proud to be his, that is the most important thing to me.

Another.... Punishment?

Hehehehehe.... was looking at this and realized I haven't had a public writing session since Tuesday! Oh nos... Well indicative of my last post, my mood was in a pretty off place... My writing has been private due to that fact and having to work through those emotions and feelings with Sir.... Finally managed to get the presentation right to him on like Thursday. It took 2 days and many many conversations to be had...But its good now and that's really all that matters. Yesterday morning I had to reflect on what I thought triggered me going into that space...Sir thinks a good place for me to do this, obviously, is on my knees. Just focuses my mind into the right frame set. A lot comes of those moments and it definitely reminds me of my place.

And, As always Sir leaves on Friday for his weekends out of town. Given tasks to complete in his absence, such a wonderful feeling because it makes me feel close to him even though hes out of reach... *Pout* I can do that right now cause hes not looking... =P But last night I had a bit of a set back....

There's this man... he comes into work every now and then... obviously a Dom. The first time he came in I told Sir about him because it struck me as odd behavior.... all the specific things he asked me to do for him that no one ever does. Sir said he was putting me through the paces... he came in a few times after that... I had strict directions by then as to how to handle Mr. Mysterious... "I'm unable to provide you service, but soandso can help you and then excuse myself to make a phone call." This worked, I think he got the picture a few times later... very persistent I say... Sir had me tweak words around and say them how any Dom would understand. I would have gladly screamed my status to the world and Mr mysterious any given day, but I would have to agree that work isn't necessarily the most appropriate place for that... *giggles*

Needless to say, Mr mysterious still comes in and hes gotten less pushy about me "serving" him and more friendly etc... Well last night he came in and I blindly provided "service" to him and did not call Sir per my instructions due to him being out of town and us being extremely busy at the time... Sir was not pleased.... Not pleased... kind of an understatement. You get those moments, where you say... "are you mad at me, Sir"? and then he goes "no, but I am not pleased." and at that moment.. I wished he had just been mad... being displeased is soooooooo much worse! Gah my heart melted and everything else along with it...

Today he asked how I was when we spoke this morning... I was honest, Okay but still a little down about last night. Sir is considering tasks... Take a picture of the man, to have Sir post it somewhere I have to see it daily and reflect on it... and write about it... for a week. I asked why the punishment, but he said its not a punishment... its a reminder. I don't know how I feel about this...I mean I understand why it is important. The man had an expectation, it had been made clear that I was taken, it had been made clear what my directions were. Now I didn't follow that direction... because of who he is, he will recognize that. I understand why Sir feels this is so serious but the whole thing makes me feel very uneasy... I'm very nervous about what he will decide and how the reminder will make me feel. I mean I already feel really bad and quite stupid about the mistake I made and its hard and a reminder even without that man's picture looming over me.... =/ Until I know what Sir chooses to do though, I must accept responsibility for my actions and try not to fret about what may happen... I should save those thoughts for my writing and reflection later if it becomes a task!

grrrrrrr day

Today is one of those days when finding a topic to write about is proving quite difficult. I'm feeling quite pouty and ornery. Saying no is bad but I still did it this morning. I believe Sir's response was "I don't care". We have an ongoing... well I would say joke but what makes it so amusing is its truth. 2 little words for me to say "Jack" and "Shit" because that's really what my opinion means. I know he hears me and my opinion when it matters, but when it doesn't matter is when he's given direction in regards to something or has already told me how it will be. Sometimes he will say something and I will take that breath in to disagree and stop. Well Sir wouldn't be Sir if he didn't know when something was in my head and will often ask what. My response to that request is typically jack shit... and then he knows I was going to say something out of line. Oh yea, and then that chuckle... the one that makes my skin tingle...

Being ornery is bad, I get in a mood where I don't want to do. Then when I realize I am merely prolonging the inevitable I get pouty. None of which are effective tactics to use on Sir as he has a sadistic streak. It doesn't work on him and is generally followed by that same, deep, hearty chuckle. Grrrrrr.... stubborn, ornery, little girl. I say things, mean things and Sir has accused me of manipulating, when in this mood, for things I want. I want attention, but he will say its nice to want things... Sad and alone is how I'm feeling, is that why the mood? I don't know where it comes from....just that its from deep inside and it makes me just want to sleep....and pout =(

Unnerving

The past couple days have been a wonderful experience. Ive already blogged regarding Monday and yesterday was no different. Sir had requested that I continue not to cum. He had me play again in the morning, but not finish of course. Then I was sent to work with Duotone Orgasm Balls... Normally they are more suited for a night out dancing or a concert, but because of the type of work I would be doing yesterday and the exercises he required of me while I was at work they proved to be of much use there as well. Then when I had gotten home Sir gave me permission to remove them and play. I said play? to the edge again? No, he had given me permission to finish, but seeing as he was not there or taking part of it... I kind of nose-dived off the edge of this cliff I had been on for the previous 48 hours. I did not want to do it, and he did not make me.

Today I had, I guess what I would consider, a break.... Sir was unavailable to me, due to being sick and resting, I immediately had all of these thoughts pounding through my head. I did not wish to wake him because I knew he was not feeling well. The one thing pounding through my mind was that back when he gave me a "Clean Slate" he wanted to make sure that I understood that going forward anything I kept from him would be translated into time away from him twice the amount of how long it too me to bring my thoughts to Sir.

I still do not know where the thoughts came from, what caused them, or why. I just know that I was so afraid, afraid of Sir leaving. Ive come to depend very much on him and I truly love everything I am to him. I truly love Sir with every fiber of my being. I cannot imagine a world without him. I was inundated with thoughts of abandonment. Although, Sir has always said the only reason he will leave is if I betray him consciously on some level. I kept thinking he would leave just to leave, just because he grew tired of me or wished to move on to someone else. I was reaching the end of my rope when the phone rang. I literally ran to it and it was Sir.

I immediately burst into tears, Sir was worried and needed to know what was going on. I explained I had been struggling with whether or not to wake him because of the thoughts. So I told him the thoughts that had happened in my head. He reassured me over and over and over again. He explained that no one makes a decision without reason. Sir gave me examples from as random as how we decide we want to eat, or take a bath to why I had left previous relationships. Slowly and surely he calmed me down. As I reached a more rational level I began to feel foolish for having felt that way in the first place and then to come to him blubbering like a fool. But again, Sir reassured me, explaining I cannot help how I feel. He tried to help me identify where the feelings originated from, but we were unsuccessful.

It's an uneasy feeling to know my mentality could change so suddenly and without reason. However, I do feel better knowing that Sir was so easily able to ground me, and straighten things out again. He not once made me feel foolish or guilty for feeling the way I did and I think normally in that situation others have treated me as though I was crazy.

Favorite Things...

I was not really sure what I wanted to write about tonight, so I figured I would make a list of all the things Sir does that I love....

• When he makes extra time and surprises me with it
• When he refers to himself as Daddy
• When he says something he wants done short, simple, with no please in front.. ie call me, stand up, show me
• The way he says my whole name in that tone when I'm doing something wrong or he is correcting behavior
• When he calls me names under his breath so others wont hear... whether it be slut, baby girl, whore, little girl.... any of them really =)
• When I'm crying and blabbing so hard he cannot understand a word I'm saying but still manages to calm me down
• How he always takes the time to help me figure out how to deal with things I'm having a difficult time with
• The way he knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I want to eat, or how I feel

High Time...

Tonight Sir wished for me to masturbate in front of him. I should preface by saying that I am only allowed to masturbate when I ask for it or it is given to me as a task. Sometimes even if I do ask, I am told I am only allowed to play and I'm not given permission to finish. Often times when he says, "Yes, little girl, you can play.." My response is ... "and whats the catch?" Its always something. I cant say that I don't like that though, or I would be fibbing and Sir doesn't like that! ;)

So tonight, I was told what to do, how to do it. He tested me on many levels...my self control, my ability to take and understand his direction. At first when he said what he wanted... I was like no no no.... I do know I am not to tell him no, but as he pointed out we both knew I was merely prolonging the inevitable.. therefore what I was really saying was I was not ready...it didn't take long for me to get ready once he asked me if I was telling him no. Of course I would never do that!

It was so difficult... so exposed...soooooo nervous. He tried very hard to make it easier.... "Turn the vibrator on....hold it still on my clit.... " inside my mind is doing flips between Yay he called it his and oh no hes watching....several minutes passed "now move it up and down".... I don't normally do that... or do I...no I definitely don't. All being said out loud he reminded me he was in control and stated he knew what I did or did not normally do and he was giving me that direction for a reason....

So, I followed his every command to the very end when he gave me permission... "you can cum whenever you want now"... I was trying so hard not to before that my body kind of didn't know what to do.... I have a bad habit of forgetting to breathe here.... Sir knows that and as I was orgasming one of the most intense I've ever had "alone", I managed to nearly choke myself... but he calmed me down and told me to relax and he sat by and waited helping me catch my breath until I was completely calm... to tell me he was proud. =)

I was very blessed tonight! Not only was I given extra time with him this evening, something I had not planned on, but I was also allowed to do something that pleased Sir. I was rewarded too with something I had been asking for, for quite some time honestly. We did visit that because he wanted to point out I had learned an important lesson.

I do say a lot that I am spoiled. It is true... a lot of people in my life spoil me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. I don't want to say that Sir does not, but he does it in a different way... It's just different. Often I ask for things I don't need, merely want. Depending on what it is i am asking for, Sir decides whether to allow it or not. More times than not, it's not allowed. So tonight after receiving this wonderful gift... he asked me how much better it was that I had to wait for it... WOW! It was a small thing, but it was such a BIG DEAL to me that I had gotten it. That Sir had given it to me.

Giddy like a school girl, I sit here and spend the rest of my night. We spoke before he left of this mood it had all put me in. I want...the pictures flashing through my mind. His hands in my hair, around my wrists... his body leaning over me.... Longing for his taste...his smell.... I told him I felt I needed to be tied down to stay out of trouble tonight. To keep these hands from what is his between these legs.... "Possessed" I think I called myself. I can honestly say Ive never allowed myself to feel the way I do this evening. Another assignment before bed... bring his little slut to the edge and then stop... so I am still wet and yearning for Sir in the morning.