Kneeling

If I want something or need something that I dont feel like I'm getting... my direction is to kneel for just 5 minutes in the corner and reflect on the difference and the best course of action for discussing it with Sir. If I want or need something and feel like being angry or pushy over it... the time spent kneeling doubles to 10 minutes and I must think about what reaction my pushing and demanding would have on Sir and my service to him. After kneeling I have to write to Sir to explain the trigger and the outcome of the session and then have a conversation with him regarding it.

For the first time since this new direction has been given, I had to kneel this morning. The time forced me to look at the situation from an outside perspective. Sir's perspective to be exact. Where he sees my place to be in every situation regardless of the content of it. So I took my time and I thought about what was upsetting me and why and if it was something.... hmm I dont want to say legitmate... I guess its the difference between want and need... and being able to separate the two. Having my discussion with Sir afterwards was not easy. He asks me to write alot because I tend to express myself better in written form... it's one of the reasons why I was it was requested that I start this blog. He still wanted the thoughts and details verbally and I didn't really want to discuss it. Of course that means... jack shit... =) So we did discuss....

By the end of the conversation I was crying.... not because I was hurt or upset. I just feel that lately I have been struggling so much with my submission to Sir and I hate it. It's so much work and none of it easy... My main fear is letting him down. His expectations and standards are very high for me, he says he sets them that way because he knows what I am capable of. Which of course is even more pressure. I really feel that the last 2 weeks have initiated a shift, or transition, in my service to Sir. It's just reached a different level really... not in a bad way at all. Just a deeper, more devoted, level of service.