To be honest I'm not quite sure why I am back here. A lot has changed for me in the past 6 months. I'd have to say its been a combination of good and bad but mostly I'm just indifferent to it all... numb is a good word maybe. I think the bottom line is that I'm not happy. I don't know if that will ever change. It seems to be a trend in my life & maybe it's because that's how i want it to be. Writing has always been a kind of outlet for me, but I was really really hurt when things didnt quite turnout how I expected between M. and I that I pretty much tried to put as much distance as possible between myself and everything that reminded me of him. Unfortunately that included this and my writing. I'd like to believe that the wound isn't as fresh but I think the bottom line is that my relationship with him pretty much changed me forever and it's something that will never get easier. I'd be fooling myself if I thought that.
I've tried even more recently to remain friends, but I'm just not sure I can handle it. I don't know if I can face that day in and day out and be exposed to everything else his life is now, but I guess we'll have to see how that goes.
Other than that... no updates really not from that point of view. I'm pretty much alone in everything now. The phrase that comes to mind is you reap what you sow. This is my bed so now Im laying in it. Who knows? I think there are some things I need to figure out for myself before and above all else. I'm going through a process for a unique opportunity from a professional stand point right now and have a trip planned away. I'm hoping that maybe this will give me some time to clear through things on my own and maybe get a fresh start... we'll just have to see.
4 months ago