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That's what time it is... 1:33 AM. I cannot sleep. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm overthinking as usual. I did well today. Sir said so =) I did not dwell so long that thoughts imploded inside of me. I came to Sir and I told him I needed time to discuss and he made it right away, though I wasn't asking for this. Startled and caught offguard of course, I was thinking I would have some time to work up the nerves, haha funny! Speak! So I began trying to explain how my thoughts take over.

I have this funny thing that happens in my head where something is going on in my mind that should not be and I'm telling myself, "Self, that's not yours to decided" or "you know better than that and you know your place". YES! Yes I do so stop stop stop get out of my head. Gah he said tell him specifically the thoughts! Oh geez, but he could have been so mad for hearing what was going on in there... *gulp* then the one word..... "girl" and I just spilled my guts... hehe

Time to change things he says, the expectation is there now, but Sir I was trying. And he knows and he explains why and he reassures me it is not punishment. So much more to talk about, but it felt good tonight that he recognized the progress. I brought the issues to him within 24 hours which is so very new. The struggles... they are nothing specific. They are insecurities. I don't know the trigger I just know how it makes me feel... YUCK!

It's the transition between girl and woman. I spent years and years learning to hide the self hurting and the feelings and thoughts in my mind. I learned and taught myself how to act... now, that's all being undone. I feel safe when I'm in his presence and that's the only time. Outside of that bubble, people are judging... things can happen... I'm not protected... he's not there. Severe abandonment issues... the minutes away are soooo draining. Luckily it is not a constant thing... comes and goes... but still no idea on the trigger. We are going to talk more about it after the long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Sir tries so hard and he says straight out he doesn't have the answer, but he stands by me and he loves me, because I'm his little girl.