La La Land...

Well a lot has been going on as of late. Time has been restricted due to holidays and family visiting. Time away from Sir drives me crazy and I tend to fall back into old ways... I think I have reached a point in our realtionship where he wants me to be more aware of the decisions I am making and to consider what he would want in doing so. I believe that what has happened is that I have become more and more dependant on his direction and that control that when I am not in his immediate care so to speak I tend to go into this like lala land where im kinda like derrrrr well what do I do now. I think the last thing any Dom/me would want would be for their sub to not be able to think or operate on their own. Sir has some ideas to help me develop that aspect of our relationship. I think the thing I need to remember is that this is all very new for me and Im going to struggle with some things. I need to rely on his guidance to help me through those things instead of letting them frustrate me.

I did get into some trouble over the holidays. Sir says that when I am struggling with things I start to try and take control back. This causes big problems! Im currently working on a 5 page punishment... =/ I have to write front and back "It is not my choice when I will hurt and I will not take what is his to give or take away from him again" I don't think that I realized how much writing that really ways before I started it. I had permission not to speak of it here, but I think that after having to relive it as many times as i did to complete the task Sir gave me as punishment has made me more comfortable. For as long as I can remember, I do recall doing things to hurt myself. It would start as biting and then I would start hitting myself or scratching myself. It escalated over the years into eating disorders and cutting, but when I first met Sir he made me promise not to do those things anymore. For the past year and a half or so now, I haven't. However I am facing a lot of different issues right now and the stress of it and him not being available to me has caused me to back slide now. This really bothers me a lot because I have fought so hard to stay away from those things that I dont want to fall into old addictions. I need something I can put that energy into to take those feelings away and I need to rely on Sir to provide it. Unfortunately, this is not something we have been able to figure out yet.