how it started...

I wrote this along time ago, when I made a decision and an agreement with Sir to be his. I needed to read it today because I needed to remember why this is what I want...

I wanted to spend some time this morning reflecting on the path I'm walking down and the reasons behind it. I want this to serve as a reminder for myself if I loose sight of what I believe to be what I truly desire. I consider myself a strong and independent woman. I am good at what I do in business and I have a very demanding drive for myself. Ive come to feel that its because of thisthat my need or want is to submit to someone else whom I trust when I'm not in that roll. I would say I have power in my 40+ hour work weeks every 52 of them in the year. It is nice to experience powerlessness at the hands of someone else. At first I had a hard time seeing myself in the same light he did. I was believing myself to be far from submissive. I think the misconception with those of us who are deemed "vanilla" is that a submissive person is seen as someone weak. I always thought to myself then I wouldn't submit to anything. In fact Id fight tooth and nail in order to be the best at what I do and the strongest. That in and of itself is the misconception. Its more so a person being submissive to another. Which, by the way, I now feel to be very brave and far from weak. I wouldn't see myself doing the things he asks or could ask of me for anyone else. I choose to relinquish that power/control specifically to him. Little did I know at the time what I thought far to be submissive in nature could very well be why I am comfortable with being submissive to him. I still want to be the good little girl when he asks me to do something for him. Its not far from yearning for appreciation or acknowledgement from a professor or supervisor. However it is different. It's different in the feeling that its like a vacation. I'm very high strung and anyone who knows me will agree.. I go full speed ahead at 100mph all the time. When he is around me, I slow down. I rely on him to lead me, to decide for me, to take care of me. Slowly and surely every wall and every defense I've built up around me falls away. That feeling of a loss of control is and of itself not only erotic in nature to me, but also very invigorating. It's like a vacation from my everyday stress and worries. It refreshes me for the next day and the next moment. The idea of going home every night to that type of relationship is very soothing to me. It's something I long for immensely.

I'm still a student in this lifestyle. I know Ive barely even scratched the surface with the possibilities. I cannot see myself pursuing these desires with anyone else at this point. I'm not saying that I should. I just feel that when we started these conversations and he began to explain his preferences to me that was a journey I embarked on that I'm not ready to let go of. I know what I want. That's not it. Reading over this it sounds like my only interest in Sir is what he can teach me. In fact Ive said very little about what draws me to him. As I reflect though it is his characteristics as a Dominant that are what truly draw me to him. I like who I am when I am with him and it speaks volumes to me. I feel like he knows me, and what he doesn't know of me he really wants to. I feel cherished and loved by his words and actions. hehe... I think of a way to put this into words and you always hear about the "trophy wife"... Well I mean essentially that's how he makes me feel which I guess would seem odd to most. I like the idea of being the good little girl that hes proud of and one that he can show off. In order to get that appreciation and approval though I have to please him. When I'm with him I can be myself. I can cry, I can laugh, I can struggle... he doesn't judge me. He's patient and kind and he has a way of making me comfortable with pretty much everything. I think I still have more I need to trust him with. I don't think I've really let go of all the walls and all the defenses, but I'm learning and he's teaching. The more I come to realize that I can rely on him for anything, the more I rely on him. It's these things that led me to fall in love with him. I don't think that makes me shallow. I think if everyone can find someone that they can truly trust all of themselves to, no matter the demons, that we would all be very lucky people. I just think in this case, the reason I've been able to follow this road is because of his lifestyle. I think if it wasn't because of that, then he would not have been able to truly show me myself and the connection wouldn't necessarily be as strong. We've always flirted and had that chemistry, but its because of the communication and the guidance that we have and hes shown me that's taken it to the next level.