Unnerving

The past couple days have been a wonderful experience. Ive already blogged regarding Monday and yesterday was no different. Sir had requested that I continue not to cum. He had me play again in the morning, but not finish of course. Then I was sent to work with Duotone Orgasm Balls... Normally they are more suited for a night out dancing or a concert, but because of the type of work I would be doing yesterday and the exercises he required of me while I was at work they proved to be of much use there as well. Then when I had gotten home Sir gave me permission to remove them and play. I said play? to the edge again? No, he had given me permission to finish, but seeing as he was not there or taking part of it... I kind of nose-dived off the edge of this cliff I had been on for the previous 48 hours. I did not want to do it, and he did not make me.

Today I had, I guess what I would consider, a break.... Sir was unavailable to me, due to being sick and resting, I immediately had all of these thoughts pounding through my head. I did not wish to wake him because I knew he was not feeling well. The one thing pounding through my mind was that back when he gave me a "Clean Slate" he wanted to make sure that I understood that going forward anything I kept from him would be translated into time away from him twice the amount of how long it too me to bring my thoughts to Sir.

I still do not know where the thoughts came from, what caused them, or why. I just know that I was so afraid, afraid of Sir leaving. Ive come to depend very much on him and I truly love everything I am to him. I truly love Sir with every fiber of my being. I cannot imagine a world without him. I was inundated with thoughts of abandonment. Although, Sir has always said the only reason he will leave is if I betray him consciously on some level. I kept thinking he would leave just to leave, just because he grew tired of me or wished to move on to someone else. I was reaching the end of my rope when the phone rang. I literally ran to it and it was Sir.

I immediately burst into tears, Sir was worried and needed to know what was going on. I explained I had been struggling with whether or not to wake him because of the thoughts. So I told him the thoughts that had happened in my head. He reassured me over and over and over again. He explained that no one makes a decision without reason. Sir gave me examples from as random as how we decide we want to eat, or take a bath to why I had left previous relationships. Slowly and surely he calmed me down. As I reached a more rational level I began to feel foolish for having felt that way in the first place and then to come to him blubbering like a fool. But again, Sir reassured me, explaining I cannot help how I feel. He tried to help me identify where the feelings originated from, but we were unsuccessful.

It's an uneasy feeling to know my mentality could change so suddenly and without reason. However, I do feel better knowing that Sir was so easily able to ground me, and straighten things out again. He not once made me feel foolish or guilty for feeling the way I did and I think normally in that situation others have treated me as though I was crazy.