Clean Slate

I've written about this topic on many occasions. I am learning and I am struggling with letting go.

Last night was an incredibly intense and almost ... dare I say... horrifying, but I think thats what it was. Sir had me face something that has been ongoing for over a year. My relationship with another boy and what it was and what it meant to me. I think very often I feel so ashamed by what I feel that I push it so deep down inside of me and I lie to myself about it. Unintentionally, by lying to myself, I was lying to Sir. He had me realize what my feelings were and drew them out of me last night and made me face them. He said he was not angry, but that he has known for a long time. I was soooo upset. I was disappointed in myself, and I was ashamed because I had hurt him. He told me to stop. Sir said that doing what I was doing was belittiling his opinions and lowering his value of me. This is not my place, but upon hearing those words I was even more livid with myself. Not by what I had done with the other boy, but because of my reaction. Because here Sir was, guiding me, trying to show me and wanting me to learn and grow from it and I beating myself into a pulp. He gave me a letter to read over and add my personal notes and feelings to that I was to send to the boy. My friendship with him is over now, I cannot go back. Sir believes this is best for me and us and so it will be. I feel better about it today looking back, I know I disappointed him, but I also know I can make it up by learning from it and this will make Sir proud.

Before that conversation, I was told to read 2 entries by Spiral Submissive - "Dropping the D Word" and "Dependency". Sir asked me to reflect on both and explain how they made me feel. I told him that it sounded like me and he said he showed me because he did not want me to feel as though my thoughts were "so far out there". I then continued on to tell him of the struggles I have been having with sharing the thoughts. Sir said starting last night, that I would have a clean slate, but that if I cannot share with him that he cannot help me because he will not understand everything thats going on.

After the above conversation, I remember what we had talked about earlier and mumbled "clean slate". Sir asked if I was surprised to know that he had a reason for that knowing the conversation we were going to have later. I am often suprised by what is in his mind. Even to the point that now when I am surprised, Im not surprised thats the case!

Having the clean slate, I felt I needed to address something that had been weighing on my mind for sometime. I stated that I knew my place. To which Sir responded with his usual "as it should be". I brought up how I refer to him here and in my other writing. He did say yes and no that it pleased him, but that he would not discuss it now. Later he asked me how I wanted to address him... I was not sure... he asked me how I felt...and I told him, that I belong. Sir directed me to show that in my writing....

So here I am, writing about my clean slate and fresh start.... I have a lot of anxiety right now because I want to do well. Im feeling overwhelmingly vulnerable. I don't want to leave the house. I did not want Sir to leave me this morning. Feeling slightly abandoned I suppose and here I sit, writing, when I should be getting ready for my day....