Across the Miles...

I have been having difficulties lately with the distance. These thoughts often put me in a very dark place and my lack of ability to share those thoughts make it difficult for him to correct the feelings. I am coming to understand that they are not my thoughts and thus I have no right to keep them from him. My challenge is remembering that. All too often I am worried that how I feel is wrong and I am more afraid of sharing those feeling with him because of what I assume I will interpret as rejection from him. I need to learn to have more faith in him. By not doing so and by deciding before hand how he will react I am being disrespectful and I am not minding my place.

I will be wrong, I will make mistakes, I will need to be corrected... I am learning and I am his. To correct me and the behavior is his duty and his alone. I cannot judge myself and I need help seeing things clearly. By keeping those feelings from him it is an attempt to take control. This is not acceptable...

When I finally wrote about what I was feeling, it was at his request, and it did help. Although not immediately, when given time to reflect, he was able to instantly realize that what I was needing was more control. I think the control is a form of attention. When I am not receiving direction, I am lost. Those feelings often begin to boil over and I start doubting my place, his feelings, and I feel less needed and less important to him. I do not always feel comfortable asking for control, but I do realize it is something I need. It makes me feel safe and secure in his world. I think what I needed was reassurance.

The small things he does are what matters like when he corrected me on "my time" because it is not my time... it is time that belongs to him. Today when I got out of the shower it was the first time when I looked in the mirror that I looked at myself as not belonging to me, but rather him... The more control there is the more I wish to do to please him.

With that said, I will remind myself to share the thoughts instead of keeping them in because when I do, whether he is correcting or not, things are better, and he takes care of me.