Lessons Learned

With being tasked to write every day, its very easy for me to feel as though I'm rambling on and on. Sometimes, I will ask what to write about. This was the case for todays post. Sir feels I learned an important lesson last night and that is what I reflected on today.

This is continuation with the issues that were addressed in a previous post. After having hashed out everything the previous night I was presented with some information from the same boy that he had been writing to me trying to respect my decisions but still get some things off of his chest. Sir was not home yet, and I read these emails anyways. I did not think at the time that it would bother him that I had done so, but I understand now he was concerned about me reading them when he wasn't readily available to support me if it was needed. I did not find this out until a little later.

When Sir got home, I was very worried to tell him what had happened, but something I am working on that is very important is not keeping things from him. I was told that if I keep something from him then once I do share with him that he will take twice as much time from me as it took me to share. Time without Sir is not something I ever look forward to. So instead of keeping it from him, I told him why I was worried about sharing. I was concerned that he would be upset and feared what his direction for me would be, or even what he himself may want to do and it was a delicate situation.

I was greeted with calm rationality. It was very reassuring. Sir heard everything I said and all of my concerns, not once did he get angry or upset. He did express, as I said above, that he wished that I had waited until he was home to read through them. Now, I understand why though I did not at the time...not once in all of my worrying and concern did I think that would be what upset Sir. It was not the content or the situation at all , but rather his feeling of needing to protect me which makes me feel most safe in his arms.

I learned that when I do things as I should, that Sir will be calm and rational. I learned that even if he does not like something, he will always do what he feels is best for all parties involved. I was reassured of my place with Sir. I also learned that it was easier for me to deal with. I did not have the stress of trying to wade through the issues on my own, nor did I have the worry of whether or not it was something I should be sharing with Sir. I waited and discussed with him the situation and the possibilities. This made things so very easy. I did not get upset, I did not cry, I did not feel down or depressed. The answers were there and given to me, and having Sir to support me makes it all so much easier.

I think that realizing my thoughts and my experiences - as they are -belong to Sir has been very difficult for me. I think it's easy to say, it's easy to tell myself, but to actually share myself with him is very difficult. I understand now why it was difficult when I have told him before that I did not trust him. As I continue on, this lesson will sit with me for some time, forever really, knowing that I can share something with him that could potentially anger him without it actually doing so is very reassuring and it makes it so much easier to want to give more to him.