Back to Life....

Been away as of late due to work. Which of course made it next to impossible to do my daily tasking and such. So I'm settled back in now and need to resume my daily obligations and tasking. Things have been interesting to say the least....

I knew time was going to change as I mentioned in a previous post. Something that I have struggled with in the past for sure was time and lack there of. I learned a very difficult lesson in the past month or so regarding that though and have learned to set aside my insecurites or needs for that time in order to be able to still provide service. I would say it has had adverse effects. It has made me more independent with my own time when Sir is busy with other things in addition to letting me feel better about the time he takes away. The issue? Looking at my statement I see things like "independent" and "my own time". The problem is that I don't want to be independent of Sir and I don't want to consider anything my own. Independent yet... good trait and it makes me feel stronger emotionally as well.... but I want Sir to be involved in my life, not necessarily always directing, but be an actual part of my life. That has not been the case lately. In fact in my opinion lately we have been living two very separate lives and only crossing paths when it best fit. The time when we have crossed paths has been so very limited that the chemistry and control is not there in such little time. The dynamic of the relationship has changed. As far as it being my own time. I've always experienced that what is mine is his.... it is not really mine any longer as all of my belongs to Sir physically, emotionally.... it is all his. My feelings are his to do with as he pleases.... my body, the same.... My time isn't really my own... But maybe it has become that way because of the dynamic.

I think it is a balancing act for sure between the two worlds. There is going to be time when life takes us apart and in our own directions, but that connection between us should still and always be there. I guess in this scenario I did not feel it happen. I know that Sir has been missing that dynamic as well and he made clear to me how he felt about the situation when we had some extra time last night. We will have to see how easily things revert back to normal for us. For me, I'm not sure where it has left me.... I've wondered things like, is this how it will be if I just back down and wait for him, his decisions and ability to give time or to use me or require that service I've dedicated myself too? Is this all he needs from me? Do we want different things from one another? It's not a pleasant place, and although Ive learned that it is not my place to question his decisions, it does not make accepting them any easier. That is my duty though. so we shall see how things adapt over the next week or so and how easily it is for us to fall back into one another... here's hoping!

Other than all of that nonsense! =) Lots of other changes have been happening with work and also in goals I have set for myself. Good stuff. I made some changes at work that have to do with quality of life! I've always been the type to absolutely pour myself into everything I do. That included working 60+ hours a week for heartless bastards who never wanted to take the time to recognize what I was doing as a good thing. And, if I don'd mind saying so, what I thought I was doing was really great work! So I decided to say so long to the politics and drama of that world and change jobs. Now I'm working in a much more rewarding environment, for many less hours, and much nicer people! Imagine that. So it has been a very positive change and is causing less drama in my life... yay!

Personal health also a topic for discussion as of late....I've seen many debates and heard many opinions about a submissives responsibility to take care of the body that is owned by his or her Master. I am a believer of the fact that I should be taking care of myself in a sense of being at a healthy weight and in shape. I think I have also shared on my blog before of the challenges I have had with self harming eating disorders as well. So it has definitely proven to be a challenge for me. So now I'm working on a more nutritional menu day to day and have made a commitment to be more physically active and am even working with a personal trainer. I think this will help with more than just the physical aspects of things as obviously my body will be healthier as well as my mind. Definitely something that will help with the confidence and the insecurities. So we shall see how this goes. Not to mention it gives me something to do when I'm alone during the days and nights when Sir is away.

So yea, lots of changes... lots going on... all in all I'm doing well with managing it and hopefully it is something Sir will be able to have a bigger part in soon as time changes for him as well, but we shall see!