Reminders...

I'm often reminded that while I assume he expects perfection, Sir also expects me to make mistakes from time to time. I tend to be harder on myself when I do fudge up than he is on me. So much so that I wonder why in the heck he is taking it so easy on me. A time when I need to remind myself that it is not my place to punish myself. That I need to accept what is being said or done to address the issues by him and let it go.

There are a lot of things I need to remember. I find myself making lists when something is said or directed. I will spend time reading over my lists and reminding myself of where I have been and what I have learned, and what is expected.

Many things.... How I act is a big one. Reminding myself that what I do and say to others, how I behave in front of others... it is all a direct reflection of him. I like to pride myself on being all prim and proper, but I'm not... I have quite a trashy mouth from time to time and a short fuse when it comes to being patient. Some things have gotten better. I am much much more polite. I remember all my pleases and thank yous. My sirs and maams. I even get complicated rather frequently for being so sweet and polite. Sir has access to all my "electronic communications" with others. I am ok with it, I don't really question it ever. I was thinking earlier about a little "rant session" I went on with someone the other day, and to think about my language and my behavior when that was going on, I'm now somewhat embarrassed. Knowing Sir has read through it by now, he hasn't addressed it... I am not sure he will. I think sometimes he waits for me to realize things myself. It's part of the learning process. So, this is an awareness for me now... It has become so natural that he reads and has access to those things, that I don't give it much thought. I need to be giving it much thought! He expects me to act and speak a certain way... that is even when he is not physically present.

Speaking of speak! Certain things I have to say...some things I cannot say. I'm sure we all have our lists....

Not Permitted:
Sure / Ok / Whatever / Nevermind / But /
Name calling...even in jest its touchy
Sighs and all other forms of huffs or temper tantrums

Mandatory:
Yes, Sir / No, Sir / May I please, Sir

I think Sir has a completely different perception of things conversations. Sometimes I never even realize I'm doing or saying something permitted or otherwise... so quick to point it out, he is. It's normally a slap myself in the forehead moment, because I know - I know better. He calls it pulling me up short... I call him mean. That never goes over well, in fact it is always followed by a "do you want me to show you mean?" Or a "do you want to see what will happen if... ?" I know how to answer those questions - No, Sir - hehe.

My daily tasks are a little easier to remember because, well, I do them every day. Getting them done never seems to be the issue... the quality of them, however is. A most recently learned lesson and expectation. I have to put thought and care and effort into all of them because they have a purpose.... they aren't just busy work. He explained to me his thought behind all of them and why he requests what he does and it helped me to take more pride in what I am doing for him.

It's not just about what you say or how you act... the reminders involve lessons too... Normally long, drawn out conversations or punishments. Despite all that is said there seems to be one set of words that will always ring out.... that always remain floating in my head (or down on paper). Big ones for me have been the "you are lacking" lesson and the "I will not take what is his" lesson. I think that its odd how such small words resonate so loudly in my mind. They have such a strong effect on me personally in how I act, the way I handle things going forward. They roll off of Sir's tongue with such ease and serenity and my jaw hits the floor a ton of bricks. But that's how it always is, he is the calm in my storm. The rational one during my panic. His control is what grounds me and keeps me steady.

They are all important lessons, important expectations and rules....Whatever I need to do in order to remember them, I will do it. Notes on paper or events on the calendar... whatever it takes.

Weeeeee...

Well, I went on a tiny little vacation this week. Time away from home and work....yay! It wasnt as great as I thought it would be. Definitely a pleasant break from all things the norm. Unfortunately, I missed Sir very much which made the trip drag on longer than needed. He was also extremely busy with work and such so I didn't get to hear from him much during the trip.

While I am glad to be home, he is still very busy so our time continues to be limited. Today is actually the first day I have been able to return to my daily routines and tasking. I was excited to roll out of bed today knowing that this was in store for me. I often refer to my tasking as chores that need to be completed. Errands, so forth and so on. These things always were something I dreaded.... But now... I eagerly wait for the alarms to go off, the reminders to occur, the days to start over so that I can complete these tasks.

They are what tie me to him, remind me of my place, and keep me going throughout the days. I love him. I love doing things for him. I love pleasing him. Busy or not, I am something he can rely on. A break in his day to review my tasks will hopefully make him smile or feel greatful. Well, then it is worth it!

Seems like a gushy full of sunshine blogpost... I guess Ive just missed Sir so much the past week that I am happy to be tasking for him again.

Staying there...

Some things have come up in the last 24 hours that are making it difficult for me to stay in my place. I'm only writing about it here, now, because I think that it will help me to remember. I am out of contact with Sir now indefinitely. I am not sure when I will hear from him again or have a moment to speak to him. It is not a punishment or anything like that. Really, I think that is what is making it all so difficult. Unplanned, unexpected, uninformed..... So I find myself grasping for any and all things that remind me that I am strong enough to handle this and stand on my own. Also, that it was unplanned not only for me but for him as well and he too is suffering. I know he would want me to understand and continue to do everything expected even though I am not currently in his presence. That is what is going to help me to get through today, tomorrow, this weekend... or however long it takes before I can hear from him again. That invisible tie that holds me to him.

You are lacking....

How can words be so painful... remember that rhyme we heard as kids? "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

If only that were true. Little triggers...daggers even. They slice through my mind and rip at my insides. He said I was lacking. No, not just lacking in one thing... Down the list we went.. Not we - ME... he wont tell me because he wants me to say it. To say it on my own because he knows I know. The pictures, writing, logs... lacking. "What about what you do for me," Sir said, "because you want to"....a month ago was the last time. That's when he sent the daggers flying, "You are lacking at that as well...."

So here we sit...as those three little words go to work in my head, I reflect.... "If you do so again, you will be in trouble, do you understand?" Yes, I replied..... "What?" I said Yes again.... "Yes isn't good enough" what I meant was "Yes, Sir."

A Calm...

There is a peace inside of me when I can kneel. It was an expectation set some time ago. There are times when I do it just to center myself, a meditation of sorts, perhaps. It forces my mind into places where only he can put me. It forces me to reflect on my service to Sir.

Kaya had a quote on her blog today... "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up everytime we do"... Sir has said many times that he does not expect perfection. I think when you are staring into the face of correction and punishment it's very easy to be fooled into believing you are expected to be perfect. It's after the explosion, the correction, and the consequences are dealt with, when you have time to reflect, only then do you see the truth. Part of the reason I read others blogs... is to just know within myself that others are out there, experiencing what I do, feeling how I do, coping the way I do. Rationializing with myself that it's ok. We all fall and we all struggle with coping with that.

I wonder why I get so upset when I am struggling. It's almost like beating my head into a brick wall. I realize it's not the situation that is upsetting me.... it's how I am dealing with it or not dealing with it rather that becomes the issue. Disappointment in feeling that I've let Sir down.

I've made comments before about when I'm "not in his presence" ... how incorrect is that phrase. Thank you to Toy for giving me that trinket to ponder on... Sometimes we lose perspective. Thoughtful as she is, pointed out to me that even though I believe I am struggling with somethings, that it was actually quite the opposite. Yes, I was and am having a difficult time with some aspects of mine and Sir's relationship as of late, but that in those exact moments, I was actually accomplishing what I thought I was really failing at...An "invisible collar" she called it. Always in Sir's presence, whether he is physically here or not, using me or not.... Never really alone.

I go about my days, work, sleep, eat, clean, errands, bills.... moments, hours, days apart. Every second though, in service to him. Expected to do right by, accomplish, suceed in everything I do, for him. Sometimes it seems to one-sided. I find myself wondering if he's thinking of me in that moment to, or if I ever cross his mind. Something that's easy to forget is that there are some things Sir can get from anyone... anywhere. It's hard to remember in those times why he chose me. I remember reading "The Story of O" and the first time she is at Roissy undergoing her training... Rene takes another woman in her presence merely to show her that he is capable of obtaining that pleasure from others. This holds true for Sir, and in times it is overwhelming, but when I am able to wade through that fog in my head, I know that there are also things that I can give Sir that go beyond that. Things that only I can give him, because I am the one he chooses to do so.

A common theme...

Everytime I think I got this whole D/S thing understood something else happens and I fall deeper into it than I thought I could have been in the first place. Amazing, yes! Scary as hell... definitely ! I was talking with Sir about it last night and explaining.. he asked me how I felt about it and I was honest....

I mean, I just recently came to the realization that how I feel and what I want doesn't really matter. Now I dont mean he just dismisses my feelings. Sir does listen to them and consider them Im sure, but honestly it doesnt matter. He can take it into consideration but it doesnt mean anything. Deciphering between need and want is becoming increasingly more important. I want or I need....and I can't start it that way... "I want this, I need this...." Bad! Bad! Bad!

It's a little unnerving to let go of everything, kind of like I'm loosing a piece of myself. What's hard is remembering that it's not mine to hold onto. So, what are you left with? After you've been reprogrammed, broken down, and rebuilt? Sounds really bad, but I dont think I would trade it for anything else. I mean, I do struggle with it, but at the same time I'm proud that I can do those things for Sir. What makes it difficult is going through it alone...

Especially right now with all that we both have going on in our lives, time is very limited. I know he's always with me, guiding me, but not the same. I keep him close to me through that little ring. Acting as a reminder of who I belong to, where I should be, how I should act. It does make it easier to look down and see it there. However, a lot of times I do feel like I'm in limbo, I get into this place where I am going through things like this, these changes and hes not available. And it is something very new to me that I have a hard time coping with and dealing with at times. He has taken away a lot of my usual outlets, and then when hes not there on top of it.... it is easy to become resentful.

I think that having been able to realize all of this and take the next step will make our relationship stronger. I do believe it will make me stronger and things that I will hang onto now... well, ill hang onto remembering my place and that I am owned by him. That is what is important.

Thinking....

So, Sir has been very busy, so busy in fact, that I think it is wearing on him, not just physically but also emotionally. We have very little to no, in some cases , interation between one another beside casual exchanges of well wishes. I have of course explained to him how I feel about all of this and the toll that it is taking on our relationship. The expectation is that I trust him and what he says he wants. So, the struggle, becomes how to handle this while ommitting all normal reactions and feeling. I do trust him, and I've told him how I feel at this point, so its just a matter of waiting and accepting whatever decisions he makes regarding it.

I have been neglecting some of my required tasking and such because of how I feel lately regarding things. Maybe hoping for some type of reaction or punishment, anything at all that would remind me of my place and require attention from him... negative or positive. I dont know... it's very hard for me to feel that way and to want to serve when I have close to no contact with Sir. I do WANT to serve, suffer, task.... anything for him. But, its not my place to choose what those things consist of and with no direction from him, it prooves very difficult to remain in that mindset.

Grr.... but, I'm going to make an effort I suppose to do the things he once asked of me, and hope that it makes a difference... we shall see.

Kneeling

If I want something or need something that I dont feel like I'm getting... my direction is to kneel for just 5 minutes in the corner and reflect on the difference and the best course of action for discussing it with Sir. If I want or need something and feel like being angry or pushy over it... the time spent kneeling doubles to 10 minutes and I must think about what reaction my pushing and demanding would have on Sir and my service to him. After kneeling I have to write to Sir to explain the trigger and the outcome of the session and then have a conversation with him regarding it.

For the first time since this new direction has been given, I had to kneel this morning. The time forced me to look at the situation from an outside perspective. Sir's perspective to be exact. Where he sees my place to be in every situation regardless of the content of it. So I took my time and I thought about what was upsetting me and why and if it was something.... hmm I dont want to say legitmate... I guess its the difference between want and need... and being able to separate the two. Having my discussion with Sir afterwards was not easy. He asks me to write alot because I tend to express myself better in written form... it's one of the reasons why I was it was requested that I start this blog. He still wanted the thoughts and details verbally and I didn't really want to discuss it. Of course that means... jack shit... =) So we did discuss....

By the end of the conversation I was crying.... not because I was hurt or upset. I just feel that lately I have been struggling so much with my submission to Sir and I hate it. It's so much work and none of it easy... My main fear is letting him down. His expectations and standards are very high for me, he says he sets them that way because he knows what I am capable of. Which of course is even more pressure. I really feel that the last 2 weeks have initiated a shift, or transition, in my service to Sir. It's just reached a different level really... not in a bad way at all. Just a deeper, more devoted, level of service.

New Direction

Sir will often remind me of our agreement... "do you remember the terms? you chose this, you agreed to this..." He thinks I forget sometimes... I am not his equal, no, not even close. A right I have is to bring my concerns to him, yes, but this does not put me on level playing ground with him. He takes what I have to say without a word and then politely asks me if I am done. Then it comes... the reminder... and then the direction.

Sometimes, I accept it, with a big hearty sigh... was I even heard? Sometimes, I get "pushy" as he calls it. Which does force his hand yes, but not in the way the little girl would prefer. It makes things worse of course. So I made the comment, "what am I supposed to just give unconditionally regardless of my own desires or wants?" Of course you are little girl....Grrrrr when I think I have made progress, when I think I get it, when I think I understand - that little voice in my head just comes right out and snap!

So much doubt races around me. I begin to question... Do I make Sir happy? Can I be everything he wants of me? Not my questions to ask.... not my decision to make.... He hasn't released me from his service, so there must be something. I want to be his star... the one who can do everything, provide everything, support him, submit to him... more than anyone else. So I have to remind myself that the others don't matter... that they dont belong to him. Sir cant take from them, use them, rely on them the way he does me... even if I'm last on this list... I'm still the one he calls baby girl and the only one who calls him Daddy at the end of the day.

So, how do I break down everything else, and just take pride and be content with that? That.... which is supposed to be everything to me. That which matters so much to me.... Reading over this you would think that I should realize, I already have everything I so much desire.

All Around Me...

All Around Me Lyrics by Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to to fadeInto our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand I give it you
Now you own me, All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you, I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

Growing....

I always like to take time to reflect on growth. Not very long ago I was not even exposed to bdsm in anything more than a "bedroom play" type of understanding. I have to say Kudos to all the people who take this to the next level, out of the bedroom and into a lifestyle. It is definitely hard work... harder than any other relationship. The level of dedication and commitment is much much more. The trust factor is so intense that its tiring at times. Then there is always communication....

I don't think I expected this to be a cake walk. I don't think I really understood how difficult it would be either. There are many times when I have said or expressed my feelings of being overwhelmed and have been told by Sir that I had made a committment to this and to him and that he made it clear from the beginning what would be expected. And he did... there is not doubt about that. I'm just not sure that I really understood at that moment how much work would go into it.

I've said many times before that I feel very blessed to have been chosen by Sir to be able to provide him this service. He is not only my Master, but also a teacher for me. I've learned a lot about myself. He has opened up corners of my mind that even I like to stay away from and forced me to look into myself and face those things. It's all helped me grow so much not only physically but also emotionally. I've always known how to communicate but I cannot say that I have always done so efficiently. The presentation factor plays a lot into that now as it is something that has been drilled into my brain. I can honestly say I've always been a spoiled "little girl" even before Sir came along and dubbed me that. That in and of itself has always made it very easy for me to just pout and whine and get my way. Definitely something that does not work with Sir... in fact, the pouting rather eggs him on in not allowing me my way. It's forced me to look at how to communicate and how to come to him with issues and concerns and also how to take his constructive criticism on a very productive level.

On the topic of being spoiled, this is also something else that I am not where Sir is concerned. It has forced me to really appreciate the things I do get. It can be simple things he says or does, or time that is given. It has definitely taught me to respect a lot more and not take things for granted so often. I guess I don't really have a point in all of this....Just wanted to take the time to think about this and reflect on the things that have made me stronger. I guess also once again to say my thanks to Sir for choosing me =)

Back to Life....

Been away as of late due to work. Which of course made it next to impossible to do my daily tasking and such. So I'm settled back in now and need to resume my daily obligations and tasking. Things have been interesting to say the least....

I knew time was going to change as I mentioned in a previous post. Something that I have struggled with in the past for sure was time and lack there of. I learned a very difficult lesson in the past month or so regarding that though and have learned to set aside my insecurites or needs for that time in order to be able to still provide service. I would say it has had adverse effects. It has made me more independent with my own time when Sir is busy with other things in addition to letting me feel better about the time he takes away. The issue? Looking at my statement I see things like "independent" and "my own time". The problem is that I don't want to be independent of Sir and I don't want to consider anything my own. Independent yet... good trait and it makes me feel stronger emotionally as well.... but I want Sir to be involved in my life, not necessarily always directing, but be an actual part of my life. That has not been the case lately. In fact in my opinion lately we have been living two very separate lives and only crossing paths when it best fit. The time when we have crossed paths has been so very limited that the chemistry and control is not there in such little time. The dynamic of the relationship has changed. As far as it being my own time. I've always experienced that what is mine is his.... it is not really mine any longer as all of my belongs to Sir physically, emotionally.... it is all his. My feelings are his to do with as he pleases.... my body, the same.... My time isn't really my own... But maybe it has become that way because of the dynamic.

I think it is a balancing act for sure between the two worlds. There is going to be time when life takes us apart and in our own directions, but that connection between us should still and always be there. I guess in this scenario I did not feel it happen. I know that Sir has been missing that dynamic as well and he made clear to me how he felt about the situation when we had some extra time last night. We will have to see how easily things revert back to normal for us. For me, I'm not sure where it has left me.... I've wondered things like, is this how it will be if I just back down and wait for him, his decisions and ability to give time or to use me or require that service I've dedicated myself too? Is this all he needs from me? Do we want different things from one another? It's not a pleasant place, and although Ive learned that it is not my place to question his decisions, it does not make accepting them any easier. That is my duty though. so we shall see how things adapt over the next week or so and how easily it is for us to fall back into one another... here's hoping!

Other than all of that nonsense! =) Lots of other changes have been happening with work and also in goals I have set for myself. Good stuff. I made some changes at work that have to do with quality of life! I've always been the type to absolutely pour myself into everything I do. That included working 60+ hours a week for heartless bastards who never wanted to take the time to recognize what I was doing as a good thing. And, if I don'd mind saying so, what I thought I was doing was really great work! So I decided to say so long to the politics and drama of that world and change jobs. Now I'm working in a much more rewarding environment, for many less hours, and much nicer people! Imagine that. So it has been a very positive change and is causing less drama in my life... yay!

Personal health also a topic for discussion as of late....I've seen many debates and heard many opinions about a submissives responsibility to take care of the body that is owned by his or her Master. I am a believer of the fact that I should be taking care of myself in a sense of being at a healthy weight and in shape. I think I have also shared on my blog before of the challenges I have had with self harming eating disorders as well. So it has definitely proven to be a challenge for me. So now I'm working on a more nutritional menu day to day and have made a commitment to be more physically active and am even working with a personal trainer. I think this will help with more than just the physical aspects of things as obviously my body will be healthier as well as my mind. Definitely something that will help with the confidence and the insecurities. So we shall see how this goes. Not to mention it gives me something to do when I'm alone during the days and nights when Sir is away.

So yea, lots of changes... lots going on... all in all I'm doing well with managing it and hopefully it is something Sir will be able to have a bigger part in soon as time changes for him as well, but we shall see!

Life is good...

Well, it has been a rocky road, full of challenges, and lows as of late.... but that ended last week when Sir gave me time on Tuesday to correct somethings between us. We talked about how I was feeling and why... he gave me open forum to express my concerns and issues. I'm always weary with open forum because there are things you just don't say, but he wanted to hear them and that was my direction at that point. So I let it all out, I let it all go and he heard it all. Sir needed me to let him go at the end because he was feeling irritated, but things were made clear to me before that. Presentation is everything. I have to bring everything to Sir, that's the expectation. That does not mean bitch sessions are welcome and I need to be poised and proper in bringing issues, concerns, thoughts, and feelings to him.

Since that conversation, things have been changing. I would not say that they have been changing drastically, but slow and steady is more like it. He is interacting with me differently, and I him. It's better and it's more consistent and we are actually enjoying the others' company and not just tip-toe'ing through our interactions. I think the most difficult part of this journey for me has been the trust issue. Learning to trust... completely. I let go... the last brick of that wall has fallen. Im no longer clinging to ideas of what was or what MIGHT be... I take what is there for what it is. I know my place in Sir's life. I know what he wants of me, what he expects of me, and where I sit in that world of his. It is my place there on that pedestal. It is my responsibility and mine only to provide service to him. Others may come and go, but they do not take the place he has given me. I am his to control in body, mind, and spirit.

I love my Sir, my Master; he is everything to me, and I am here to please him. Until Sir decides he no longer wishes to have me in his service - that is my place and that is where I will remain. Sir says that is forever.. I only wish to be so lucky.

Control

Task for Sir as we work through some struggles I have been having.... I would be open to feedback on something from anyone who is reading this. I've been trying to explain how I feel to Sir when I am not being taken advantage of, controlled, directed. Sir made a comment last night that he cannot always be giving me direction and I know this is true, however it was not the point I was trying to make. I don't know how to explain it to him and he is trying desperately to understand. I don't need to be receiving direction 24/7 in order to feel the control he has, but when control is not there I get into a bad place. I'm trying to find a way to explain to him what I need but havent been able to find the words.

I mean, it can be the simplest thing... such as giving me a command - something he doesnt even think about to do. There are things and an attitude that exhibit who has the control, that put me in my place....small things... things that don't require constant attention. Sometimes yes that involves giving specific direction or tasks.... but not always. I wish I could find the words to explain because I really dont like feeling this way and it's taking a negative toll on the both of us....any feedback here would be greatly appreciated... what do you do when you are having a problem communicating something to your Sir? How do you explain a "feeling"? =/

With Control:

• free
• protected
• loved
• cherished
• safe
• sense of purpose
• in my place

Without Control:

• unimportant
• not needed
• lost
• ornery
• alone
• unmotivated
• sassy
• scared

Sir

Talking with Sir this afternoon, and I mentioned not having decided yet what I would write about. He was making a funny, but of course I ducked and missed it, and he said I should write about him. I said... hmmm... Well I always kind of write about you. After he pointed out he was making a funny I kind of chuckled but then had an idea to write about him anyways. Why he is important to me, why I love him, how we came to be, and all that other gushy stuff. I mean yes of course I'm almost always writing about him. That's generally because of the type of writing he requires of me is to reflect upon events or things that have happened because he believes it helps me.

So anyways, it's like one of those things that you take for granted because its there every day. When I started this journey and this relationship with Sir. I knew absolutely nothing about the lifestyle. We were friends for a longggggg time before anything romantic. You know there's always that playful flirting that people do when there's chemistry but our friendship was strictly platonic.... One day we started talking more in depth about our current and past relationships with people and he opened up to me about the type of lifestyle he prefers to live. I think he must have really trusted me and been extremely comfortable with me to do this. Of course at first I didn't get all the juicy details, just the dynamic and what it meant. I think until then that I didn't realize that BDSM could even reach beyond just bedroom play.

Sir tried to show how his traits even in a vanilla dynamic shined through in the way he interacted with me on our current, playfully flirting platform. There were times when, I will say... hmmm I was overly intoxicated and doing this - not normally a good idea for a 20something girl to do - walking through the crowded streets of a city in the middle of the night drinking =) Straying from the group... such a naughty girl I was. Yet Sir was their, lurking in the shadows I say, watching over me =) He also tried to explain to me things he saw in me. Traits he says make me who I am, that I've tended to push back into the dark corners of my mind. I'm grateful of that conversation nearly every day... When I think about how I can't do this, or it's too difficult to do this, that particular conversation and day is something I like to play through in my head over and over again. That day, nearly 2 years gone now, is still fresh in my memory like so many of the conversations we've had.

I like to think I've come a long way since then. Sir seems to think so too. One think I can count on is the growth. Sir is the best teacher, he is kind and patient. Even when correcting behavior he is reasonable. He is always calm. In that eerie "I wish you would get angry" way. He has never raised his voice to me. Now I will say, sometimes my tongue gets the best of me and he will often try to correct THAT behavior in his "I'm a cool, calm, collected Dom" voice - which doesn't work - and need to speak over me blurting out my full name... talk about pulling me up short =) Another thing I can always count on him to do. Easy NOT to make a mistake when he is around... there's that line I can begin walking and then Sir always grounds me with that warning... the way his voice changes ever so slightly that says he means business =)

Even when we are apart, I can feel his presence, always there, always in my mind, always protecting me. It's not an easy place to stay. A lot of times I wish I could just run away and hide, but there is something about Sir knowing me they way he does. Knowing every inch of me, inside and out. I think when it began it was hard to understand. It was hard to get used to him always being in my head. Sometimes it still is, but usually.... now it is the most incredibly wonderful place. I don't have to worry about anything other than just this one thing... To be known so well, better than you know yourself really... it's a very protected feeling...

Things are never always perfect. There are good days and there are bad. Just like with any relationship. We have our hardships and we both have moments where we mess things up. Sir always puts the pieces back together. It takes time, and it's more intensive than just apologizing and moving on. But, Sir is dedicated. He is dedicated to me and our relationship and he wants us to succeed. I think he has a hard time with me... I don't think I make things easy on him. I try to do right by him. I try to do right by us and I do know my place. But I definitely do not make things even. I can be the most stubborn of a brat and oh do i like to run. Good thing he keeps a short leash around. ;)

His persistence and his dedication to our relationship is why I love him most. I know he does not take me for granted or the things I do for him. It is so easy to love him seeing how much he loves me. I would gladly stay balled up at his feet for ever and ever if he would let me. I would wait for hours, days, weeks, months for him to just use me once...even if it was only for a fraction of the time I had waited. I've never been loved the way he loves me. I've never known someone to believe so much in me. I've never before ever met a man like him. I'm so proud to be his, that is the most important thing to me.

Another.... Punishment?

Hehehehehe.... was looking at this and realized I haven't had a public writing session since Tuesday! Oh nos... Well indicative of my last post, my mood was in a pretty off place... My writing has been private due to that fact and having to work through those emotions and feelings with Sir.... Finally managed to get the presentation right to him on like Thursday. It took 2 days and many many conversations to be had...But its good now and that's really all that matters. Yesterday morning I had to reflect on what I thought triggered me going into that space...Sir thinks a good place for me to do this, obviously, is on my knees. Just focuses my mind into the right frame set. A lot comes of those moments and it definitely reminds me of my place.

And, As always Sir leaves on Friday for his weekends out of town. Given tasks to complete in his absence, such a wonderful feeling because it makes me feel close to him even though hes out of reach... *Pout* I can do that right now cause hes not looking... =P But last night I had a bit of a set back....

There's this man... he comes into work every now and then... obviously a Dom. The first time he came in I told Sir about him because it struck me as odd behavior.... all the specific things he asked me to do for him that no one ever does. Sir said he was putting me through the paces... he came in a few times after that... I had strict directions by then as to how to handle Mr. Mysterious... "I'm unable to provide you service, but soandso can help you and then excuse myself to make a phone call." This worked, I think he got the picture a few times later... very persistent I say... Sir had me tweak words around and say them how any Dom would understand. I would have gladly screamed my status to the world and Mr mysterious any given day, but I would have to agree that work isn't necessarily the most appropriate place for that... *giggles*

Needless to say, Mr mysterious still comes in and hes gotten less pushy about me "serving" him and more friendly etc... Well last night he came in and I blindly provided "service" to him and did not call Sir per my instructions due to him being out of town and us being extremely busy at the time... Sir was not pleased.... Not pleased... kind of an understatement. You get those moments, where you say... "are you mad at me, Sir"? and then he goes "no, but I am not pleased." and at that moment.. I wished he had just been mad... being displeased is soooooooo much worse! Gah my heart melted and everything else along with it...

Today he asked how I was when we spoke this morning... I was honest, Okay but still a little down about last night. Sir is considering tasks... Take a picture of the man, to have Sir post it somewhere I have to see it daily and reflect on it... and write about it... for a week. I asked why the punishment, but he said its not a punishment... its a reminder. I don't know how I feel about this...I mean I understand why it is important. The man had an expectation, it had been made clear that I was taken, it had been made clear what my directions were. Now I didn't follow that direction... because of who he is, he will recognize that. I understand why Sir feels this is so serious but the whole thing makes me feel very uneasy... I'm very nervous about what he will decide and how the reminder will make me feel. I mean I already feel really bad and quite stupid about the mistake I made and its hard and a reminder even without that man's picture looming over me.... =/ Until I know what Sir chooses to do though, I must accept responsibility for my actions and try not to fret about what may happen... I should save those thoughts for my writing and reflection later if it becomes a task!

High Time...

Tonight Sir wished for me to masturbate in front of him. I should preface by saying that I am only allowed to masturbate when I ask for it or it is given to me as a task. Sometimes even if I do ask, I am told I am only allowed to play and I'm not given permission to finish. Often times when he says, "Yes, little girl, you can play.." My response is ... "and whats the catch?" Its always something. I cant say that I don't like that though, or I would be fibbing and Sir doesn't like that! ;)

So tonight, I was told what to do, how to do it. He tested me on many levels...my self control, my ability to take and understand his direction. At first when he said what he wanted... I was like no no no.... I do know I am not to tell him no, but as he pointed out we both knew I was merely prolonging the inevitable.. therefore what I was really saying was I was not ready...it didn't take long for me to get ready once he asked me if I was telling him no. Of course I would never do that!

It was so difficult... so exposed...soooooo nervous. He tried very hard to make it easier.... "Turn the vibrator on....hold it still on my clit.... " inside my mind is doing flips between Yay he called it his and oh no hes watching....several minutes passed "now move it up and down".... I don't normally do that... or do I...no I definitely don't. All being said out loud he reminded me he was in control and stated he knew what I did or did not normally do and he was giving me that direction for a reason....

So, I followed his every command to the very end when he gave me permission... "you can cum whenever you want now"... I was trying so hard not to before that my body kind of didn't know what to do.... I have a bad habit of forgetting to breathe here.... Sir knows that and as I was orgasming one of the most intense I've ever had "alone", I managed to nearly choke myself... but he calmed me down and told me to relax and he sat by and waited helping me catch my breath until I was completely calm... to tell me he was proud. =)

I was very blessed tonight! Not only was I given extra time with him this evening, something I had not planned on, but I was also allowed to do something that pleased Sir. I was rewarded too with something I had been asking for, for quite some time honestly. We did visit that because he wanted to point out I had learned an important lesson.

I do say a lot that I am spoiled. It is true... a lot of people in my life spoil me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. I don't want to say that Sir does not, but he does it in a different way... It's just different. Often I ask for things I don't need, merely want. Depending on what it is i am asking for, Sir decides whether to allow it or not. More times than not, it's not allowed. So tonight after receiving this wonderful gift... he asked me how much better it was that I had to wait for it... WOW! It was a small thing, but it was such a BIG DEAL to me that I had gotten it. That Sir had given it to me.

Giddy like a school girl, I sit here and spend the rest of my night. We spoke before he left of this mood it had all put me in. I want...the pictures flashing through my mind. His hands in my hair, around my wrists... his body leaning over me.... Longing for his taste...his smell.... I told him I felt I needed to be tied down to stay out of trouble tonight. To keep these hands from what is his between these legs.... "Possessed" I think I called myself. I can honestly say Ive never allowed myself to feel the way I do this evening. Another assignment before bed... bring his little slut to the edge and then stop... so I am still wet and yearning for Sir in the morning.

Expectation

I was tasked today with journaling about what I feel I needed to expect from Sir. The thoughts are below. These are things he has already given me, but that I would expect to continue on and on. Not once can I think of that he didn't do or went back on one of the items below. There are times where we have revisited them because I did not feel I was getting enough of something, and Sir was always respectful, calm, and rational about responding and addressing as long as I brought it to him in a respectful and calm way. This is not to say I always get my way, but I do appreciate that he takes the time to listen and try to make things better for both of us. For this I am greatful.

Honesty
I expect Sir to always be honest with me, even if he knows it will upset me. I want to know things, details, they help me to learn and understand.
Patience
I expect Sir to be patient with me, this does not mean give me free passes, but just be patient and kind and...
Understanding
I need Sir to be understanding of me, my actions, my feelings. To not get angry or bitter when I share, because it is difficult for me to do so.
Reliability
I want to be able to rely on Sir for anything and everything and trust he will be there, maybe not right away and ready to go, but to be there eventually and make an effort.
Control
I expect Sir to take control, to give direction, to give tasks. In doing so it makes me feel closer to him, that I am pleasing him, that I belong to him. It makes me feel safe.
Discipline
I expect Sir to set goals for me, I expect him to set expectations for me and hold me accountable when I do something wrong because it helps me to learn - it helps me to grow.
Respectful
I expect Sir to be respectful of me, my feelings, and my actions. To not judge me or belittle me in anyway.
Teacher
I expect Sir to be my mentor and teacher. To give me lessons, to challenge me to broaden my horizons. I expect him to push me beyond my limits so that I can learn and grow.

All of these things are important to me because of many different reasons. The most important thing to me is to know that I am pleasing Sir and these things help me to do that and to stay in my place, as it should be.

Easy Silence

"Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me."

It's a song by the Dixie Chicks. Its how I feel about him, because whenever my world seems to be crashing down, he's there to catch the pieces. I love him and I love that he cares about me. I close my eyes and I can see him there, those baby blues, and I know from what he's saying and I can feel it.... the way he feels.

Over the years Ive gotten very good at running away from these things, but he does not let me run. He reminds me of my place.... "who tells you have done something wrong?" I knew what he was asking, but I was down and bitter and I said, "everyone it seems!" That was quickly corrected with a "don't forget your place girl" The fact is I didn't forget my place, I just wasn't focused on what he was asking....

I am not responsible for everything, and my job is not to make everyone happy. There is one thing and that is that I am pleasing him. He is going to help me to confront some issues tonight and I am hoping that it will finally address most of the things going on right now. Whenever he helps me things are better... I guess im trying to convince myself... I just want to be able to trust and rely and as I continue to struggle with that I am disappointed in myself, yet he is proud... proud of the progress and i need to remember that always and foremost... he is proud.

Random Thoughts...

He needed to go, my sleepy Sir, and he asked me if I was okay with it. Normally I would just say Yes, but this time I did say exactly what was on my mind. I said Yes & No. Because although I did understand he was tired and simply cannot help that, I was also disappointed. I wanted him to know that I was going to miss him and that it did matter to me that he was leaving. He kept apologizing and it was not my intention to summons apologies from him in exchange for my truth. I just did not want to be anything but truthful. I made the comment that tonight was the last night we would have, and he corrected me, rightfully so, by saying the last night this week. I understand this to be a truth as well, but I dont think it makes the situation any less painful. He tried to explain the time I would have tomorrow, but I did not wish to consider it at the time because I tend to focus on the negative and what time I was being given, was followed by a not long. I just do not do well with the farewells I suppose especially when it involves J or hmmmm the trip did not bother me this weekend, so perhaps he has found a way to comfort me with that....

On Friday, I had my task of bringing myself to near orgasm 4 times through mastrubation, taking 10 minutes of rest between, and only allowing myself to orgasm on the 5th time, with his permission. This was a hefty task and my back hurt when all was said and done, but when I was done he had told me he was proud... he called me his little slut... and told me someone else would have to take care of his cock now since I would not be there. This did two things.... the thought of another woman tending to his cock was quite the turn on.... then he said he would be thinking of me.... yet another turn on.... Also, it reminded me of my place... and made me yearn to be there. Which is very good under the current conditions... So today I asked him about her and what she did... It turned me on again ;) Gosh I feel so dirty sometimes =P

Tonight has been a long night, and relationships are wearing on me... there is a lot going on and I know not how to deal with it. This week is going to be very difficult... and next week with the holidays there will be a lot to face that until now I had been able to put off. I wish he was here right now to listen and to hold me and tell me how to fix it all... but hes not....and I will have to wait, but I know he will help me when he can.