Lying....

The conversation was short... just a few words really. I have been keeping a nagging assumption to myself lately. I'm sure I shouldn't and the whole "your feelings belong to me" conversation is running through my head at the moment, but still I keep it to myself. So in a way of asking without asking.... I went a different route...

I simply asked: would you ever lie to me about anything? Sir answered a question with a question, which I hate and found myself - thinking it should be a fairly simple yes or no response. I even dared myself to say that to him, but instead I waited for his thoughts... He asked me why and of course again I answered without really answering and said I was just wondering. Then the answer came... it wasn't yes or no. It wasn't at all what I expected.

He simply said: "I don't need to lie to you."

It was one of those light bulb moments & the conversation was ended there as it was quickly followed by a sharp "this is not the time to discuss this" and it really wasn't. Because the conversation was cut short, it provided me plenty of think time immediately following.

Why I asked the question was not because I wanted to know if he would or would not. It was because I assumed he was lying and I expected him to share with me under what circumstances he would lie so that I could understand why he was lying. Shame on me for never giving him credit for always being open and honest. I suppose this taps back into the trust issues that began resurfacing after our 2 week blow up.

But, as usual, he was right. He doesn't need to lie to me. I can think of plenty of times when he has shared with me things that I didn't like, didn't approve of, didn't appreciate, didn't care for, didn't want to know, hurt me, embarassed me, annoyed me, and oh yes things that most people would lie about. So why now, did I think he would change to be a sneaky, deceptive, and all around untrustworthy man? Not because of anything he did, or deserved, and certainly not because he changed.

It was something in me instead... I would normally call them my issues, so it would seem I am still learning that as well.

A Break...

Just wanted to drop a line... I know I disappeared out of nowhere basically. It shouldn't be any surprise to those of you who read to know, I and we, were having some challenges. A lot of things transitioned/changed and it's something we are currently working through. I am sure if and/or when things get better between us and we are back on solid ground I will have updates....

As of now... life is pretty dull. I was basically given reprieve of all duties/tasks/obligations. Not something I had asked for, but rather something for me to reflect on. Bitter is a good word to describe how I was/am feeling regarding that. Trust goes a long way here... I have to trust that Sir knows whats best or has some master plan not yet revealed to me...

Things are starting to shift now though and take on some new light. So, all I can do is wait, learn, trust... big things for a little girl....

Staying there...

Some things have come up in the last 24 hours that are making it difficult for me to stay in my place. I'm only writing about it here, now, because I think that it will help me to remember. I am out of contact with Sir now indefinitely. I am not sure when I will hear from him again or have a moment to speak to him. It is not a punishment or anything like that. Really, I think that is what is making it all so difficult. Unplanned, unexpected, uninformed..... So I find myself grasping for any and all things that remind me that I am strong enough to handle this and stand on my own. Also, that it was unplanned not only for me but for him as well and he too is suffering. I know he would want me to understand and continue to do everything expected even though I am not currently in his presence. That is what is going to help me to get through today, tomorrow, this weekend... or however long it takes before I can hear from him again. That invisible tie that holds me to him.

This Weekend...

Wednesday night was quite an interesting one. Needless to say Sir and I got into an arguement, well really I got into an arguement because when that happens he tends to just sit there stewing in anger until I've managed to dig myself a hole so deep that I can't even get out of it on my own... I've been warned before about my presentation, but didn't manage to head those words very well in that moment. The result: not only was my time taken away that night, but I also was not permitted to do any of my tasking for him on Thursday or Friday. I asked when that was made clear to me if it was a form of punishment or not and received no answer at all, just ignored...

About midday on Friday, I received a message that we would be speaking that evening. I did not know at that time if I should be excited that I was going to get to talk to Sir for the first time in nearly 48 hours or if my heart was sinking because I was afraid of the conversation that would follow.

He gave me the opportunity again to express my concern, at first I was afraid to speak because I was sure that I would end up back in that hole I dug two nights previous. He has a way of saying, "I'm waiting" that scares the nerves out of me and makes me blurt stuff out. So I started slowly, calmly, as specific as I could be... paying attention to the tone of my voice as well as the volume and managed to get every last thought out. Then he said thank you...

Sir said he understood how I felt and where I was coming from. Knowing the issue for him is 99% of the battle... the rest is cake as soon as he figures it out. I feel foolish at times when this happens. I don't expect to get my way in things, I try really hard not to manipulate, though I do think some of that is just my personality. More than anything else, I just want to be heard and my feelings not to be disregarded. Of course when Im yelling and screaming and telling him how horrible he is, I'm sure its hard for him to see that, right? One day I'll get it correct! He also shared with me his perspective of me in that moment, why he pulled away and took 2 days to himself. Also, the taking away of my tasking was not a punishment per se, but just that he needed not to be faced with me in that time. I think when he said that, I would have rather it had been punishment, I just could not believe that I had been so naive as to push him that hard.

So, feeling better after the conversation, my dailies had been reinstated, and life will be getting better. It was a lot easier to deal with him being out of town this weekend. I feel it was probably the most respectful I have ever been of his time. It continued into the week thats already started as well. as the pieces begin to fall black into their places, I do as well and once the dust settles, we will both be stronger because of it.

Thinking....

So, Sir has been very busy, so busy in fact, that I think it is wearing on him, not just physically but also emotionally. We have very little to no, in some cases , interation between one another beside casual exchanges of well wishes. I have of course explained to him how I feel about all of this and the toll that it is taking on our relationship. The expectation is that I trust him and what he says he wants. So, the struggle, becomes how to handle this while ommitting all normal reactions and feeling. I do trust him, and I've told him how I feel at this point, so its just a matter of waiting and accepting whatever decisions he makes regarding it.

I have been neglecting some of my required tasking and such because of how I feel lately regarding things. Maybe hoping for some type of reaction or punishment, anything at all that would remind me of my place and require attention from him... negative or positive. I dont know... it's very hard for me to feel that way and to want to serve when I have close to no contact with Sir. I do WANT to serve, suffer, task.... anything for him. But, its not my place to choose what those things consist of and with no direction from him, it prooves very difficult to remain in that mindset.

Grr.... but, I'm going to make an effort I suppose to do the things he once asked of me, and hope that it makes a difference... we shall see.

Stay...

I have not been writing here much... for a multitude of reasons really. A lot has been going on but at the same time, not much going on.... Sir has been very busy. He has filled his schedule with a lot of things because he doesnt like to be idle...It's good for him and it definitely helps him keep his spirits. He is a different person than he was when he had no plans, no commitments, and nothing to do... He's happier.... Unfortunately, it leaves less time for us... for me.

I made the comment to him the other day that it's funny how something that was so hard to build up seems to fragile and delicate. A steady balance of time, direction, desire, communication, emotion.... all resting on this little ledge, pressed against the wall, trying not to fall off....I've been feeling the pressure lately, as I sit idley by and wait... I've gotten a lot of helpful feedback from friends about what I can do and how it is important for me to remain emotionally and physically strong for Sir. That I need to be able to stand alone in his "presence" for when the time and direction is not there. Think and act on my own in his best interest... and I've been doing that quite well and he agrees, unfortunately I feel I reached the end of my rope... there just comes a time when you miss a person so much that it hurts... I miss my Daddy.

I miss his attention, I miss him needing things of me, I miss the way he makes me feel when he talks about me, when he says the things he wants to do, when he does the things that make me feel my place. I miss feeling whole, and I miss the feeling that I belong to someone. I havent been writing publicly about this yet, because I feel its really important for me to communicate it with Sir first. My writing here is secondary to my communication with him, and while daily journaling is required of me in my service to him, it does not need to be done or shared publicly until it has been discussed with Sir or directed by Sir specifically. I have shared my feelings with him and he is working towards a solution.

I guess in a dream world I expected him to say wow you're right I feel the same way, lets fix things. Of course nothing is that easy... not even for Sir. Everything takes thought, discussion, thought, discussion, thought, discussion.... I feel a great deal of love for him. He was a friend before and above all else to me when this started. I supposed I'm a bit of a romantic in thinking that love is all you need. The rest just falls into place, right? Apparently not... rude awakening for the little girl.

From my perspective, I just think, I made him the center of my world. Every action, every thought, every thing.... belongs to him. With him pulling out of that role in this busy time it leaves me rather aloof to say the least... without a purpose maybe? So I continue on, grasping tightly to the moments I do have, completing my daily tasks with vigorous execution, wishing there was more to do. I make myself ready for that moment when it all comes back to "center" by continuing to do whats expected, taking care of myself as much as possibly from a physical and emotional aspect. I stay and I wait.... for when he'll need me again....and I hope.

Time

It's a valuable thing. Something I cherish whenever I get it. This is something I've been struggling with as of late. Sir has been being so patient with it, with me. He is making more efforts to include me in time he is spending with others. In doing so for me, I have done the same for him. Even though it pans out to only be a few more minutes here or there and a couple extra phone calls, it's not about the time, it's about feeling like I'm involved in more of his life than just what I am to him alone.

The more obstacles we overcome, the more communication we have, the more we open up to each other... it becomes more reassuring to me that this is right. It's hard work all the time. Easily the most time intensive and detail oriented relationship I have been a part of. Moments like this when I realize how the hard work on a particular situation has paid of, makes it worth it. makes all of the tears and hours of communication and struggling worth it. I look back now on how badly I wanted to run away or shut down during that time and I end up being really glad that Sir pushed me as hard as he did to hang in there and fight for it.

133

That's what time it is... 1:33 AM. I cannot sleep. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm overthinking as usual. I did well today. Sir said so =) I did not dwell so long that thoughts imploded inside of me. I came to Sir and I told him I needed time to discuss and he made it right away, though I wasn't asking for this. Startled and caught offguard of course, I was thinking I would have some time to work up the nerves, haha funny! Speak! So I began trying to explain how my thoughts take over.

I have this funny thing that happens in my head where something is going on in my mind that should not be and I'm telling myself, "Self, that's not yours to decided" or "you know better than that and you know your place". YES! Yes I do so stop stop stop get out of my head. Gah he said tell him specifically the thoughts! Oh geez, but he could have been so mad for hearing what was going on in there... *gulp* then the one word..... "girl" and I just spilled my guts... hehe

Time to change things he says, the expectation is there now, but Sir I was trying. And he knows and he explains why and he reassures me it is not punishment. So much more to talk about, but it felt good tonight that he recognized the progress. I brought the issues to him within 24 hours which is so very new. The struggles... they are nothing specific. They are insecurities. I don't know the trigger I just know how it makes me feel... YUCK!

It's the transition between girl and woman. I spent years and years learning to hide the self hurting and the feelings and thoughts in my mind. I learned and taught myself how to act... now, that's all being undone. I feel safe when I'm in his presence and that's the only time. Outside of that bubble, people are judging... things can happen... I'm not protected... he's not there. Severe abandonment issues... the minutes away are soooo draining. Luckily it is not a constant thing... comes and goes... but still no idea on the trigger. We are going to talk more about it after the long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Sir tries so hard and he says straight out he doesn't have the answer, but he stands by me and he loves me, because I'm his little girl.

grrrrrrr day

Today is one of those days when finding a topic to write about is proving quite difficult. I'm feeling quite pouty and ornery. Saying no is bad but I still did it this morning. I believe Sir's response was "I don't care". We have an ongoing... well I would say joke but what makes it so amusing is its truth. 2 little words for me to say "Jack" and "Shit" because that's really what my opinion means. I know he hears me and my opinion when it matters, but when it doesn't matter is when he's given direction in regards to something or has already told me how it will be. Sometimes he will say something and I will take that breath in to disagree and stop. Well Sir wouldn't be Sir if he didn't know when something was in my head and will often ask what. My response to that request is typically jack shit... and then he knows I was going to say something out of line. Oh yea, and then that chuckle... the one that makes my skin tingle...

Being ornery is bad, I get in a mood where I don't want to do. Then when I realize I am merely prolonging the inevitable I get pouty. None of which are effective tactics to use on Sir as he has a sadistic streak. It doesn't work on him and is generally followed by that same, deep, hearty chuckle. Grrrrrr.... stubborn, ornery, little girl. I say things, mean things and Sir has accused me of manipulating, when in this mood, for things I want. I want attention, but he will say its nice to want things... Sad and alone is how I'm feeling, is that why the mood? I don't know where it comes from....just that its from deep inside and it makes me just want to sleep....and pout =(

Unnerving

The past couple days have been a wonderful experience. Ive already blogged regarding Monday and yesterday was no different. Sir had requested that I continue not to cum. He had me play again in the morning, but not finish of course. Then I was sent to work with Duotone Orgasm Balls... Normally they are more suited for a night out dancing or a concert, but because of the type of work I would be doing yesterday and the exercises he required of me while I was at work they proved to be of much use there as well. Then when I had gotten home Sir gave me permission to remove them and play. I said play? to the edge again? No, he had given me permission to finish, but seeing as he was not there or taking part of it... I kind of nose-dived off the edge of this cliff I had been on for the previous 48 hours. I did not want to do it, and he did not make me.

Today I had, I guess what I would consider, a break.... Sir was unavailable to me, due to being sick and resting, I immediately had all of these thoughts pounding through my head. I did not wish to wake him because I knew he was not feeling well. The one thing pounding through my mind was that back when he gave me a "Clean Slate" he wanted to make sure that I understood that going forward anything I kept from him would be translated into time away from him twice the amount of how long it too me to bring my thoughts to Sir.

I still do not know where the thoughts came from, what caused them, or why. I just know that I was so afraid, afraid of Sir leaving. Ive come to depend very much on him and I truly love everything I am to him. I truly love Sir with every fiber of my being. I cannot imagine a world without him. I was inundated with thoughts of abandonment. Although, Sir has always said the only reason he will leave is if I betray him consciously on some level. I kept thinking he would leave just to leave, just because he grew tired of me or wished to move on to someone else. I was reaching the end of my rope when the phone rang. I literally ran to it and it was Sir.

I immediately burst into tears, Sir was worried and needed to know what was going on. I explained I had been struggling with whether or not to wake him because of the thoughts. So I told him the thoughts that had happened in my head. He reassured me over and over and over again. He explained that no one makes a decision without reason. Sir gave me examples from as random as how we decide we want to eat, or take a bath to why I had left previous relationships. Slowly and surely he calmed me down. As I reached a more rational level I began to feel foolish for having felt that way in the first place and then to come to him blubbering like a fool. But again, Sir reassured me, explaining I cannot help how I feel. He tried to help me identify where the feelings originated from, but we were unsuccessful.

It's an uneasy feeling to know my mentality could change so suddenly and without reason. However, I do feel better knowing that Sir was so easily able to ground me, and straighten things out again. He not once made me feel foolish or guilty for feeling the way I did and I think normally in that situation others have treated me as though I was crazy.

La La Land...

Well a lot has been going on as of late. Time has been restricted due to holidays and family visiting. Time away from Sir drives me crazy and I tend to fall back into old ways... I think I have reached a point in our realtionship where he wants me to be more aware of the decisions I am making and to consider what he would want in doing so. I believe that what has happened is that I have become more and more dependant on his direction and that control that when I am not in his immediate care so to speak I tend to go into this like lala land where im kinda like derrrrr well what do I do now. I think the last thing any Dom/me would want would be for their sub to not be able to think or operate on their own. Sir has some ideas to help me develop that aspect of our relationship. I think the thing I need to remember is that this is all very new for me and Im going to struggle with some things. I need to rely on his guidance to help me through those things instead of letting them frustrate me.

I did get into some trouble over the holidays. Sir says that when I am struggling with things I start to try and take control back. This causes big problems! Im currently working on a 5 page punishment... =/ I have to write front and back "It is not my choice when I will hurt and I will not take what is his to give or take away from him again" I don't think that I realized how much writing that really ways before I started it. I had permission not to speak of it here, but I think that after having to relive it as many times as i did to complete the task Sir gave me as punishment has made me more comfortable. For as long as I can remember, I do recall doing things to hurt myself. It would start as biting and then I would start hitting myself or scratching myself. It escalated over the years into eating disorders and cutting, but when I first met Sir he made me promise not to do those things anymore. For the past year and a half or so now, I haven't. However I am facing a lot of different issues right now and the stress of it and him not being available to me has caused me to back slide now. This really bothers me a lot because I have fought so hard to stay away from those things that I dont want to fall into old addictions. I need something I can put that energy into to take those feelings away and I need to rely on Sir to provide it. Unfortunately, this is not something we have been able to figure out yet.

Lessons Learned

With being tasked to write every day, its very easy for me to feel as though I'm rambling on and on. Sometimes, I will ask what to write about. This was the case for todays post. Sir feels I learned an important lesson last night and that is what I reflected on today.

This is continuation with the issues that were addressed in a previous post. After having hashed out everything the previous night I was presented with some information from the same boy that he had been writing to me trying to respect my decisions but still get some things off of his chest. Sir was not home yet, and I read these emails anyways. I did not think at the time that it would bother him that I had done so, but I understand now he was concerned about me reading them when he wasn't readily available to support me if it was needed. I did not find this out until a little later.

When Sir got home, I was very worried to tell him what had happened, but something I am working on that is very important is not keeping things from him. I was told that if I keep something from him then once I do share with him that he will take twice as much time from me as it took me to share. Time without Sir is not something I ever look forward to. So instead of keeping it from him, I told him why I was worried about sharing. I was concerned that he would be upset and feared what his direction for me would be, or even what he himself may want to do and it was a delicate situation.

I was greeted with calm rationality. It was very reassuring. Sir heard everything I said and all of my concerns, not once did he get angry or upset. He did express, as I said above, that he wished that I had waited until he was home to read through them. Now, I understand why though I did not at the time...not once in all of my worrying and concern did I think that would be what upset Sir. It was not the content or the situation at all , but rather his feeling of needing to protect me which makes me feel most safe in his arms.

I learned that when I do things as I should, that Sir will be calm and rational. I learned that even if he does not like something, he will always do what he feels is best for all parties involved. I was reassured of my place with Sir. I also learned that it was easier for me to deal with. I did not have the stress of trying to wade through the issues on my own, nor did I have the worry of whether or not it was something I should be sharing with Sir. I waited and discussed with him the situation and the possibilities. This made things so very easy. I did not get upset, I did not cry, I did not feel down or depressed. The answers were there and given to me, and having Sir to support me makes it all so much easier.

I think that realizing my thoughts and my experiences - as they are -belong to Sir has been very difficult for me. I think it's easy to say, it's easy to tell myself, but to actually share myself with him is very difficult. I understand now why it was difficult when I have told him before that I did not trust him. As I continue on, this lesson will sit with me for some time, forever really, knowing that I can share something with him that could potentially anger him without it actually doing so is very reassuring and it makes it so much easier to want to give more to him.

Across the Miles...

I have been having difficulties lately with the distance. These thoughts often put me in a very dark place and my lack of ability to share those thoughts make it difficult for him to correct the feelings. I am coming to understand that they are not my thoughts and thus I have no right to keep them from him. My challenge is remembering that. All too often I am worried that how I feel is wrong and I am more afraid of sharing those feeling with him because of what I assume I will interpret as rejection from him. I need to learn to have more faith in him. By not doing so and by deciding before hand how he will react I am being disrespectful and I am not minding my place.

I will be wrong, I will make mistakes, I will need to be corrected... I am learning and I am his. To correct me and the behavior is his duty and his alone. I cannot judge myself and I need help seeing things clearly. By keeping those feelings from him it is an attempt to take control. This is not acceptable...

When I finally wrote about what I was feeling, it was at his request, and it did help. Although not immediately, when given time to reflect, he was able to instantly realize that what I was needing was more control. I think the control is a form of attention. When I am not receiving direction, I am lost. Those feelings often begin to boil over and I start doubting my place, his feelings, and I feel less needed and less important to him. I do not always feel comfortable asking for control, but I do realize it is something I need. It makes me feel safe and secure in his world. I think what I needed was reassurance.

The small things he does are what matters like when he corrected me on "my time" because it is not my time... it is time that belongs to him. Today when I got out of the shower it was the first time when I looked in the mirror that I looked at myself as not belonging to me, but rather him... The more control there is the more I wish to do to please him.

With that said, I will remind myself to share the thoughts instead of keeping them in because when I do, whether he is correcting or not, things are better, and he takes care of me.