Reminders...

I'm often reminded that while I assume he expects perfection, Sir also expects me to make mistakes from time to time. I tend to be harder on myself when I do fudge up than he is on me. So much so that I wonder why in the heck he is taking it so easy on me. A time when I need to remind myself that it is not my place to punish myself. That I need to accept what is being said or done to address the issues by him and let it go.

There are a lot of things I need to remember. I find myself making lists when something is said or directed. I will spend time reading over my lists and reminding myself of where I have been and what I have learned, and what is expected.

Many things.... How I act is a big one. Reminding myself that what I do and say to others, how I behave in front of others... it is all a direct reflection of him. I like to pride myself on being all prim and proper, but I'm not... I have quite a trashy mouth from time to time and a short fuse when it comes to being patient. Some things have gotten better. I am much much more polite. I remember all my pleases and thank yous. My sirs and maams. I even get complicated rather frequently for being so sweet and polite. Sir has access to all my "electronic communications" with others. I am ok with it, I don't really question it ever. I was thinking earlier about a little "rant session" I went on with someone the other day, and to think about my language and my behavior when that was going on, I'm now somewhat embarrassed. Knowing Sir has read through it by now, he hasn't addressed it... I am not sure he will. I think sometimes he waits for me to realize things myself. It's part of the learning process. So, this is an awareness for me now... It has become so natural that he reads and has access to those things, that I don't give it much thought. I need to be giving it much thought! He expects me to act and speak a certain way... that is even when he is not physically present.

Speaking of speak! Certain things I have to say...some things I cannot say. I'm sure we all have our lists....

Not Permitted:
Sure / Ok / Whatever / Nevermind / But /
Name calling...even in jest its touchy
Sighs and all other forms of huffs or temper tantrums

Mandatory:
Yes, Sir / No, Sir / May I please, Sir

I think Sir has a completely different perception of things conversations. Sometimes I never even realize I'm doing or saying something permitted or otherwise... so quick to point it out, he is. It's normally a slap myself in the forehead moment, because I know - I know better. He calls it pulling me up short... I call him mean. That never goes over well, in fact it is always followed by a "do you want me to show you mean?" Or a "do you want to see what will happen if... ?" I know how to answer those questions - No, Sir - hehe.

My daily tasks are a little easier to remember because, well, I do them every day. Getting them done never seems to be the issue... the quality of them, however is. A most recently learned lesson and expectation. I have to put thought and care and effort into all of them because they have a purpose.... they aren't just busy work. He explained to me his thought behind all of them and why he requests what he does and it helped me to take more pride in what I am doing for him.

It's not just about what you say or how you act... the reminders involve lessons too... Normally long, drawn out conversations or punishments. Despite all that is said there seems to be one set of words that will always ring out.... that always remain floating in my head (or down on paper). Big ones for me have been the "you are lacking" lesson and the "I will not take what is his" lesson. I think that its odd how such small words resonate so loudly in my mind. They have such a strong effect on me personally in how I act, the way I handle things going forward. They roll off of Sir's tongue with such ease and serenity and my jaw hits the floor a ton of bricks. But that's how it always is, he is the calm in my storm. The rational one during my panic. His control is what grounds me and keeps me steady.

They are all important lessons, important expectations and rules....Whatever I need to do in order to remember them, I will do it. Notes on paper or events on the calendar... whatever it takes.

Writing...

I start all of my writing here as something I intend to go "live". Most times, when I sit down to write, I have absolutely no idea what will come of it. Depending on how much has been said and to what degree, I have 2 options. I can send it to Sir or I can post it here. A lot goes into that decision... how much of myself I have exposed, how much of him I have exposed, if anything I said could be disrespectful of him or paint him in a negative light, the appropriateness of the topic.... Definitely something I sometimes struggle with, but all in all I manage - of course!

I will sometimes read through the specifics of others blogs and I think to myself... omg! I could never do that. Not because I feel what others is posting is wrong, but because it takes - hmmm - how do you say... balls! Well, that or just the strict law of another's Master! =) But still.... I respect each and every one of them for the way they put themselves out there and share as much as they do about themselves and their relationship. I cant imagine it's very easy and sometimes seeing the negative comments of viewers is rather apalling and frightening! So more power to you !

This is not something thats required of me. I also tend to be a very private person and sometimes even have a hard time sending my writings to Sir. Something that I have brought up to him recently. I didn't really get from it what I was looking for, other than to know it may or may not ever become easier for me. Bottom line is that it is expected regardless of how I feel about what I wrote. One effect of it is that I do feel exposed... which Im sure he will chime in to say "as it should be", another is that I get all nervous wondering if hes alredy read it or what he thinks. Often, I dont receive any response to my writing, occasionally I do. It depends on how important he feels it is that it be addressed I suppose. Though I will say that a lot of my writing is for me to be able to vent and clear my head... most of it doesnt need response or reaction. Ultimately though, that's his place to decide.

An Assignment...

The first one in a long time came today... Nervous about it and excited all at the same time. We'll see how it goes !!!

Here is some eyecandy, pretty pictures & corsets! EDEN

Sharing...

Sir and i have spoken a little on this topic before. When i say sharing, i mean sharing someone with each other. I personally think women are the most absolutely beautiful creatures to ever walk the earth! Having said that I definitely do not mind a romp around the bed with one. Sir is aware of my desires and he's always very supportive. i will sometimes mention interest in someone I know or I have met and he will ask me to bring him pictures of said person. i think the first time I was asked to do such a thing panic washed over me a bit! but - how - what - when - omg ! hehe Then his clever little "to your place girl" words followed ... "i'm waiting." yes Sir!

So, he's asked me how I feel about bringing girls to him, with their consent. The thought of actually doing it makes me nervous the idea in and of itself does not though. i guess I just think of it as providing service to him. i mean if I can bring someone to him and he can obtain pleasure from that, then its essentially my doing. I tend not to be the jealous type... so long as I am involved in the process and all parties are aware of my place (small disclaimer ;)... in fact the idea of watching Sir with another woman is quite an erotic one for me. I am sure sometimes he would let me play too - when he chooses of course - but even without the ability to be physically involved i would still get satisfaction of pleasuring Sir even through a medium and I know he would thank me for it later in his own way...I just have to learn how to broach the topic when the time comes and not be so dang nervous about it!

I know my place and I know that regardless of whomever I would bring home to him or for us that she wouldn't be able to replace me in his eyes. i would think that is why the idea of it doesn't intimidate me. It is just that.. sex... it's not a relationship and she isnt his. I am. Besides, the bottom line is that Sir gets what Sir wants. I'm just there to provide it =) And if my interest in women on a sexual level has resulted in him wanting these things, or maybe that desire was already there and knowing my feelings has just brough it forward, then I have no issues providing him with that delicious sin.

Outside Influences...

When I write everyday I tend to run out of things to say or reflect on... that's when I solicit the help from Sir because of course he still expects to see something even if there is nothing I can come up with on my own...

So his suggestion was to write about outside influences and how I keep them from interfering with our relationship. Wow ok sooo the first thing that come to mind was that I have no idea how I do this... but I think that its one of those things that I do without realizing so of course explain it here wont come easy cause as usual Sir likes to stretch my mind and teach me something =)


I guess the main thing I do is make sure that he is aware of absolutely everything thats going on in my life whether its embarassing or personal... good word there personal... because really and truly that explains it... I don't have anything thats just mine. I am his and therefore everything that I feel and everything I do it belongs to him. If I dont share those things with him and he doesnt know whats going on in my life when he's not around or involved - that is when it is going to effect our relationship.


Presentation is a good thing here to talk about... definitely somewhere I need to grow... how I bring those outside influences to Sir is really important... I mean yea he is there for me to comfort me when I need it, but ultimately he is my Master and the information Im needing to communicate to him is just that information. This is where I have the most issues right now in depending on him to be able to fix everything even when Im failing to communicate it with him. Sir always reminds me that he never fails me when I am open and honest... I may not always like what he has to say or how he chooses to handle things, but he never fails me and thats whats important...

Speaking of not failing... the other thing I try to do has to do with when whatever it is... my day to day interactment with others be it good or bad.. I know that if I do the best that I can in every situation that I will not be failing Sir. If i don't want my interaction with outside influences to effect our relationship the best medicine is just to make sure that I am handling things in a way that he would want me to.

Control

Task for Sir as we work through some struggles I have been having.... I would be open to feedback on something from anyone who is reading this. I've been trying to explain how I feel to Sir when I am not being taken advantage of, controlled, directed. Sir made a comment last night that he cannot always be giving me direction and I know this is true, however it was not the point I was trying to make. I don't know how to explain it to him and he is trying desperately to understand. I don't need to be receiving direction 24/7 in order to feel the control he has, but when control is not there I get into a bad place. I'm trying to find a way to explain to him what I need but havent been able to find the words.

I mean, it can be the simplest thing... such as giving me a command - something he doesnt even think about to do. There are things and an attitude that exhibit who has the control, that put me in my place....small things... things that don't require constant attention. Sometimes yes that involves giving specific direction or tasks.... but not always. I wish I could find the words to explain because I really dont like feeling this way and it's taking a negative toll on the both of us....any feedback here would be greatly appreciated... what do you do when you are having a problem communicating something to your Sir? How do you explain a "feeling"? =/

With Control:

• free
• protected
• loved
• cherished
• safe
• sense of purpose
• in my place

Without Control:

• unimportant
• not needed
• lost
• ornery
• alone
• unmotivated
• sassy
• scared

Expectation

I was tasked today with journaling about what I feel I needed to expect from Sir. The thoughts are below. These are things he has already given me, but that I would expect to continue on and on. Not once can I think of that he didn't do or went back on one of the items below. There are times where we have revisited them because I did not feel I was getting enough of something, and Sir was always respectful, calm, and rational about responding and addressing as long as I brought it to him in a respectful and calm way. This is not to say I always get my way, but I do appreciate that he takes the time to listen and try to make things better for both of us. For this I am greatful.

Honesty
I expect Sir to always be honest with me, even if he knows it will upset me. I want to know things, details, they help me to learn and understand.
Patience
I expect Sir to be patient with me, this does not mean give me free passes, but just be patient and kind and...
Understanding
I need Sir to be understanding of me, my actions, my feelings. To not get angry or bitter when I share, because it is difficult for me to do so.
Reliability
I want to be able to rely on Sir for anything and everything and trust he will be there, maybe not right away and ready to go, but to be there eventually and make an effort.
Control
I expect Sir to take control, to give direction, to give tasks. In doing so it makes me feel closer to him, that I am pleasing him, that I belong to him. It makes me feel safe.
Discipline
I expect Sir to set goals for me, I expect him to set expectations for me and hold me accountable when I do something wrong because it helps me to learn - it helps me to grow.
Respectful
I expect Sir to be respectful of me, my feelings, and my actions. To not judge me or belittle me in anyway.
Teacher
I expect Sir to be my mentor and teacher. To give me lessons, to challenge me to broaden my horizons. I expect him to push me beyond my limits so that I can learn and grow.

All of these things are important to me because of many different reasons. The most important thing to me is to know that I am pleasing Sir and these things help me to do that and to stay in my place, as it should be.

Random Thoughts...

He needed to go, my sleepy Sir, and he asked me if I was okay with it. Normally I would just say Yes, but this time I did say exactly what was on my mind. I said Yes & No. Because although I did understand he was tired and simply cannot help that, I was also disappointed. I wanted him to know that I was going to miss him and that it did matter to me that he was leaving. He kept apologizing and it was not my intention to summons apologies from him in exchange for my truth. I just did not want to be anything but truthful. I made the comment that tonight was the last night we would have, and he corrected me, rightfully so, by saying the last night this week. I understand this to be a truth as well, but I dont think it makes the situation any less painful. He tried to explain the time I would have tomorrow, but I did not wish to consider it at the time because I tend to focus on the negative and what time I was being given, was followed by a not long. I just do not do well with the farewells I suppose especially when it involves J or hmmmm the trip did not bother me this weekend, so perhaps he has found a way to comfort me with that....

On Friday, I had my task of bringing myself to near orgasm 4 times through mastrubation, taking 10 minutes of rest between, and only allowing myself to orgasm on the 5th time, with his permission. This was a hefty task and my back hurt when all was said and done, but when I was done he had told me he was proud... he called me his little slut... and told me someone else would have to take care of his cock now since I would not be there. This did two things.... the thought of another woman tending to his cock was quite the turn on.... then he said he would be thinking of me.... yet another turn on.... Also, it reminded me of my place... and made me yearn to be there. Which is very good under the current conditions... So today I asked him about her and what she did... It turned me on again ;) Gosh I feel so dirty sometimes =P

Tonight has been a long night, and relationships are wearing on me... there is a lot going on and I know not how to deal with it. This week is going to be very difficult... and next week with the holidays there will be a lot to face that until now I had been able to put off. I wish he was here right now to listen and to hold me and tell me how to fix it all... but hes not....and I will have to wait, but I know he will help me when he can.

Studies

Before he went out of town this weekend I was given my task for while he was away. I am to study and learn about protocol and high protocol in his absence. I like it when he gives me things to do in his absence as it makes me feel closer to him and I know he will be thinking about it while he is gone. I also had to send pictures to his email, which he does not check while he is away, and he said he wanted them there so he could think about seeing them all weekend until he got home. That pleases him as much as it pleases me.

The first thing I reviewed was protocol in a matter of minutes I was flooded with information and complaints, complaints mainly about how people have gotten very "casual" regarding protocol. I am glad he wished for me to review this then because of that very fact. I immediately realized it was a set of rules per se... my favorite definition is "Protocol rules are the guidelines which the strong willed andintelligent submissive uses to make decisions in the bestinterests of her DominantProtocol rules are the guidelines which the strong willed andintelligent submissive uses to make decisions in the bestinterests of her Dominant"

I feel depending on the situation he will explain to me which protocol applies and then I will come to understand what he expects in different environments, for now I will be absorbing as much of the information as possible so that when he does call on me, I will not misunderstand what he is asking for. Everyone desires something different, and every situation as well... That is what I like most about him. He allows me to read and study and then follows it by what he expects. It tells me he wants me to know all that is out there so that I am knowledgeable, but first and foremost this important thing is what pleases him.

I read one article by a Dom, where he explained he follows the Old Guard concept and has set three levels of protocol for his house. Low/Middle/High. Low he uses for normal day to day life. Middle he uses for public scene clubs & play situations. He said this is the most classic of his protocols and would be considered a "performance" protocol. High protocol he uses for short periods of time to give instruction or for amusement. He also uses it for longer periods of time for punishment.

Although I read many different rules and opinions in researching protocol this morning, my favorite article was the one I mentioned above. I liked it the most because he did not go into the specifics of the rules, posture, speak because he recognized it would vary from relationship to relationship. He did touch on the general guidelines that all should follow in certain situations out of respect, but mentioned there were still some who did not. I liked it because he explained what guidelines he uses when designing a protocol on an individual bases. It helped me to see the perspective of a dominant and what he was looking for in designing a protocol.