Life In General...

To be honest I'm not quite sure why I am back here. A lot has changed for me in the past 6 months. I'd have to say its been a combination of good and bad but mostly I'm just indifferent to it all... numb is a good word maybe. I think the bottom line is that I'm not happy. I don't know if that will ever change. It seems to be a trend in my life & maybe it's because that's how i want it to be. Writing has always been a kind of outlet for me, but I was really really hurt when things didnt quite turnout how I expected between M. and I that I pretty much tried to put as much distance as possible between myself and everything that reminded me of him. Unfortunately that included this and my writing. I'd like to believe that the wound isn't as fresh but I think the bottom line is that my relationship with him pretty much changed me forever and it's something that will never get easier. I'd be fooling myself if I thought that.

I've tried even more recently to remain friends, but I'm just not sure I can handle it. I don't know if I can face that day in and day out and be exposed to everything else his life is now, but I guess we'll have to see how that goes.

Other than that... no updates really not from that point of view. I'm pretty much alone in everything now. The phrase that comes to mind is you reap what you sow. This is my bed so now Im laying in it. Who knows? I think there are some things I need to figure out for myself before and above all else. I'm going through a process for a unique opportunity from a professional stand point right now and have a trip planned away. I'm hoping that maybe this will give me some time to clear through things on my own and maybe get a fresh start... we'll just have to see.

No Surprise

I'm sure I wouldn't be stating anything but the obvious by saying that I have been neglectful of keeping this updated. Truth be told that in the past few months, my little knook here on the web was sorely missed.

As far as why I stopped writing, I am sure that anyone who has read the previous posts knows that I was going through something. I still am. I stopped writing for a number of reasons. The main reason, however, is that it stopped being expected. I don't really have the same "place" as I did before with Sir. Our relationship has reached a completely more casual level - obviously. To be honest I have no tasks - daily or otherwise - right now as that has all been taken away. Another big reason I stopped writing is because I was tired of being a pity party. It is so easy to focus on all the negative. I stopped writing about the positive. I was sending myself into this deep dark abyss day after day feeling sorry for myself and I couldn't do it anymore.

Bottom line is I made the choices I made and I need(ed) to learn to live with and deal with those repercussions. My life isn't all sunshine and puffy little clouds. Things are far from resolved, but writing was important for me for so many reasons more than just Sir, and it's not something I'm still willing to give up. Granted, I may not have as much to write about here anymore, but I will try nevertheless because it has helped me in the past.

To give some updates on background... I shared awhile back my struggles with a few things. Mainly, Self-Injury. For me this has mostly taken the form of eating disorders. I would not and did not ever consider myself to be a "cutter" this was mostly a last resort. Though I have caused physical harm to my body outside of cutting and neglect in the past. Due to the struggles I was facing some months ago, I sought some comfort in these old behaviors as a way to cope and regain control of my life. Reflecting back, control is definitely something I gave up to Sir when I signed on for this. I guess that when he withdrew and our relationship began to crumble I no longer felt safe in his control. This caused a lot of problems to say the least. I lashed out in many ways trying to regain that balance.

I would definitely say that I have unresolved feelings in all that is and was going on. Sometimes, I even think I'm being resentful... If that makes any kind of sense at all. Sir fought really hard to break down a lot of barriers with me and build on the trust factors. It took a very long time for me to let go of all of those things I did to ensure I felt some level of control. In a way those things that were my safety net were just traded off and he became that safety net. So, when our relationship started getting rocky it makes sense that I felt a loss of control or not even control... security? and reached out to regain that through my need to control or rather... feel control. Resentment comes in to play in the fact that he got me to let go and put that trust and faith in him and then showed me in a way that I couldn't.

So that's where we are.... it's completely different. I'm not happy... I don't know how he feels... we rarely speak, yet we both appear to be hanging on and waiting for something... who knows?

Weeeeee...

Well, I went on a tiny little vacation this week. Time away from home and work....yay! It wasnt as great as I thought it would be. Definitely a pleasant break from all things the norm. Unfortunately, I missed Sir very much which made the trip drag on longer than needed. He was also extremely busy with work and such so I didn't get to hear from him much during the trip.

While I am glad to be home, he is still very busy so our time continues to be limited. Today is actually the first day I have been able to return to my daily routines and tasking. I was excited to roll out of bed today knowing that this was in store for me. I often refer to my tasking as chores that need to be completed. Errands, so forth and so on. These things always were something I dreaded.... But now... I eagerly wait for the alarms to go off, the reminders to occur, the days to start over so that I can complete these tasks.

They are what tie me to him, remind me of my place, and keep me going throughout the days. I love him. I love doing things for him. I love pleasing him. Busy or not, I am something he can rely on. A break in his day to review my tasks will hopefully make him smile or feel greatful. Well, then it is worth it!

Seems like a gushy full of sunshine blogpost... I guess Ive just missed Sir so much the past week that I am happy to be tasking for him again.

Writing...

I start all of my writing here as something I intend to go "live". Most times, when I sit down to write, I have absolutely no idea what will come of it. Depending on how much has been said and to what degree, I have 2 options. I can send it to Sir or I can post it here. A lot goes into that decision... how much of myself I have exposed, how much of him I have exposed, if anything I said could be disrespectful of him or paint him in a negative light, the appropriateness of the topic.... Definitely something I sometimes struggle with, but all in all I manage - of course!

I will sometimes read through the specifics of others blogs and I think to myself... omg! I could never do that. Not because I feel what others is posting is wrong, but because it takes - hmmm - how do you say... balls! Well, that or just the strict law of another's Master! =) But still.... I respect each and every one of them for the way they put themselves out there and share as much as they do about themselves and their relationship. I cant imagine it's very easy and sometimes seeing the negative comments of viewers is rather apalling and frightening! So more power to you !

This is not something thats required of me. I also tend to be a very private person and sometimes even have a hard time sending my writings to Sir. Something that I have brought up to him recently. I didn't really get from it what I was looking for, other than to know it may or may not ever become easier for me. Bottom line is that it is expected regardless of how I feel about what I wrote. One effect of it is that I do feel exposed... which Im sure he will chime in to say "as it should be", another is that I get all nervous wondering if hes alredy read it or what he thinks. Often, I dont receive any response to my writing, occasionally I do. It depends on how important he feels it is that it be addressed I suppose. Though I will say that a lot of my writing is for me to be able to vent and clear my head... most of it doesnt need response or reaction. Ultimately though, that's his place to decide.

A common theme...

Everytime I think I got this whole D/S thing understood something else happens and I fall deeper into it than I thought I could have been in the first place. Amazing, yes! Scary as hell... definitely ! I was talking with Sir about it last night and explaining.. he asked me how I felt about it and I was honest....

I mean, I just recently came to the realization that how I feel and what I want doesn't really matter. Now I dont mean he just dismisses my feelings. Sir does listen to them and consider them Im sure, but honestly it doesnt matter. He can take it into consideration but it doesnt mean anything. Deciphering between need and want is becoming increasingly more important. I want or I need....and I can't start it that way... "I want this, I need this...." Bad! Bad! Bad!

It's a little unnerving to let go of everything, kind of like I'm loosing a piece of myself. What's hard is remembering that it's not mine to hold onto. So, what are you left with? After you've been reprogrammed, broken down, and rebuilt? Sounds really bad, but I dont think I would trade it for anything else. I mean, I do struggle with it, but at the same time I'm proud that I can do those things for Sir. What makes it difficult is going through it alone...

Especially right now with all that we both have going on in our lives, time is very limited. I know he's always with me, guiding me, but not the same. I keep him close to me through that little ring. Acting as a reminder of who I belong to, where I should be, how I should act. It does make it easier to look down and see it there. However, a lot of times I do feel like I'm in limbo, I get into this place where I am going through things like this, these changes and hes not available. And it is something very new to me that I have a hard time coping with and dealing with at times. He has taken away a lot of my usual outlets, and then when hes not there on top of it.... it is easy to become resentful.

I think that having been able to realize all of this and take the next step will make our relationship stronger. I do believe it will make me stronger and things that I will hang onto now... well, ill hang onto remembering my place and that I am owned by him. That is what is important.

Observations...

Time... seems to be something I focus on a lot, something I bring up a lot...overrated, coincidental? It can be one of two things... I understand being busy, I try to respect Sir's time because its his to do with as he pleases. I wonder, if its so fine a line to walk. One thing has been lifted off of my Masters plate as of recently...I wonder if that could be the difference... or if its something much deeper...

I've been trying the past 2 weeks to get back into the grove of things... I was struggling with the ability to stay in my place without the guidance of Sir. Bad habits were surfacing and going without correction. I took it upon myself... maybe because I felt like I had turned blue expressing my opinion... which lets all be realistic, in some cases it's taken into account, but in others it really means jack... feeling like I had exhausted every single resource and feeling I had to make him understand - I was feeling neglected.... I gave up.

I felt like I couldn't win, like he couldnt see it my way...Interesting choice of words... my way. Maybe I forgot my purpose... so I reverted back to the things that I knew, that comforted me, the things I do for him. Day by day by day by day... rarely receiving acknowledgement. I felt like I was a little girl just looking for that pat on the head... those 2 words "good girl"... please notice me, please see me.... then yesterday.... he asked something of me. A new task, a new direction... the first in sooooooooooo long. I didn't even want to fight it...I didn't want to be shy... I just was eager to hear those words, "I want you to do something for me", I would have said Yes Sir before I even heard what it was at that point... just to have him ask, just to be able to give something....later, I heard what I had been longing for, for so long... "you did good girl"... *swoon* Blushing Im sure... I tried to play off how much it meant to me to hear that... but I think he knew.

So this transition, has made me think... did I learn a lesson here, is it mere conveinence of timing? When I am stronger... our relationship is stronger, more dynamic... I want to believe that I've learned something. I want to believe that things are going to get betternow because of it. A part of me does wonder though if its the coincidence. I guess the bottom line though is that if I want to have learned something in this, then I have done that regardless of timing or outside influences.

New Direction

Sir will often remind me of our agreement... "do you remember the terms? you chose this, you agreed to this..." He thinks I forget sometimes... I am not his equal, no, not even close. A right I have is to bring my concerns to him, yes, but this does not put me on level playing ground with him. He takes what I have to say without a word and then politely asks me if I am done. Then it comes... the reminder... and then the direction.

Sometimes, I accept it, with a big hearty sigh... was I even heard? Sometimes, I get "pushy" as he calls it. Which does force his hand yes, but not in the way the little girl would prefer. It makes things worse of course. So I made the comment, "what am I supposed to just give unconditionally regardless of my own desires or wants?" Of course you are little girl....Grrrrr when I think I have made progress, when I think I get it, when I think I understand - that little voice in my head just comes right out and snap!

So much doubt races around me. I begin to question... Do I make Sir happy? Can I be everything he wants of me? Not my questions to ask.... not my decision to make.... He hasn't released me from his service, so there must be something. I want to be his star... the one who can do everything, provide everything, support him, submit to him... more than anyone else. So I have to remind myself that the others don't matter... that they dont belong to him. Sir cant take from them, use them, rely on them the way he does me... even if I'm last on this list... I'm still the one he calls baby girl and the only one who calls him Daddy at the end of the day.

So, how do I break down everything else, and just take pride and be content with that? That.... which is supposed to be everything to me. That which matters so much to me.... Reading over this you would think that I should realize, I already have everything I so much desire.

Baby Steps

Things are slowly returning to normal... the past couple days have been an emotional rollercoaster. Up and down and up and down. Discussion after discussion. I feel like things are shifting a bit. I'm not sure which direction they are going, but it is progress none the less. I was reading somewhere the other day and saw a comment made by someone that sometimes things need to fall apart just so they can be built back up differently, and hopefully better in this case...

I wouldnt say things have fallen apart, I dont really think they were close to either. I do think things have been fairly rocky for me at least. I dont know if Sir saw the same things effecting our relationship as I did, but now we both know and understand the issues, which makes it easier to deal with I suppose. Thats good at least. So now I just need to take my baby steps and see how things go. Slow and Steady...

I am greatful though. He's taken so much of everything Ive said in and really thought about it, digested it, and worked towards solutions..... it's definitely reassuring.

All Around Me...

All Around Me Lyrics by Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to to fadeInto our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand I give it you
Now you own me, All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you, I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

Back to Life....

Been away as of late due to work. Which of course made it next to impossible to do my daily tasking and such. So I'm settled back in now and need to resume my daily obligations and tasking. Things have been interesting to say the least....

I knew time was going to change as I mentioned in a previous post. Something that I have struggled with in the past for sure was time and lack there of. I learned a very difficult lesson in the past month or so regarding that though and have learned to set aside my insecurites or needs for that time in order to be able to still provide service. I would say it has had adverse effects. It has made me more independent with my own time when Sir is busy with other things in addition to letting me feel better about the time he takes away. The issue? Looking at my statement I see things like "independent" and "my own time". The problem is that I don't want to be independent of Sir and I don't want to consider anything my own. Independent yet... good trait and it makes me feel stronger emotionally as well.... but I want Sir to be involved in my life, not necessarily always directing, but be an actual part of my life. That has not been the case lately. In fact in my opinion lately we have been living two very separate lives and only crossing paths when it best fit. The time when we have crossed paths has been so very limited that the chemistry and control is not there in such little time. The dynamic of the relationship has changed. As far as it being my own time. I've always experienced that what is mine is his.... it is not really mine any longer as all of my belongs to Sir physically, emotionally.... it is all his. My feelings are his to do with as he pleases.... my body, the same.... My time isn't really my own... But maybe it has become that way because of the dynamic.

I think it is a balancing act for sure between the two worlds. There is going to be time when life takes us apart and in our own directions, but that connection between us should still and always be there. I guess in this scenario I did not feel it happen. I know that Sir has been missing that dynamic as well and he made clear to me how he felt about the situation when we had some extra time last night. We will have to see how easily things revert back to normal for us. For me, I'm not sure where it has left me.... I've wondered things like, is this how it will be if I just back down and wait for him, his decisions and ability to give time or to use me or require that service I've dedicated myself too? Is this all he needs from me? Do we want different things from one another? It's not a pleasant place, and although Ive learned that it is not my place to question his decisions, it does not make accepting them any easier. That is my duty though. so we shall see how things adapt over the next week or so and how easily it is for us to fall back into one another... here's hoping!

Other than all of that nonsense! =) Lots of other changes have been happening with work and also in goals I have set for myself. Good stuff. I made some changes at work that have to do with quality of life! I've always been the type to absolutely pour myself into everything I do. That included working 60+ hours a week for heartless bastards who never wanted to take the time to recognize what I was doing as a good thing. And, if I don'd mind saying so, what I thought I was doing was really great work! So I decided to say so long to the politics and drama of that world and change jobs. Now I'm working in a much more rewarding environment, for many less hours, and much nicer people! Imagine that. So it has been a very positive change and is causing less drama in my life... yay!

Personal health also a topic for discussion as of late....I've seen many debates and heard many opinions about a submissives responsibility to take care of the body that is owned by his or her Master. I am a believer of the fact that I should be taking care of myself in a sense of being at a healthy weight and in shape. I think I have also shared on my blog before of the challenges I have had with self harming eating disorders as well. So it has definitely proven to be a challenge for me. So now I'm working on a more nutritional menu day to day and have made a commitment to be more physically active and am even working with a personal trainer. I think this will help with more than just the physical aspects of things as obviously my body will be healthier as well as my mind. Definitely something that will help with the confidence and the insecurities. So we shall see how this goes. Not to mention it gives me something to do when I'm alone during the days and nights when Sir is away.

So yea, lots of changes... lots going on... all in all I'm doing well with managing it and hopefully it is something Sir will be able to have a bigger part in soon as time changes for him as well, but we shall see!

Random

When things are good, there is less to write about... go figure. Well, that is of course unless Sir has given me a specific task to document. So, today is no different.... I have very little to write about.... so .... a few random thoughts:

Sir has changed things... I've never been allowed to mastrubate without permission and I've always asked, but now Im required to ask not only for the chance to mastrubate but also to come. Little things have been changing... in a good way. The way he asks for things, says things, directs me. He's taking more and more control every day and his expectations of me are becoming more and more. I am responsible for more...this all makes me a very happy little girl. His very happy little girl....

I am concerned about something though. Our time is going to change soon due to other obligations of both of us. I don't know if it's just not knowing how it will effect things or just worried that it may effect things. I would like to think that I have grown, and we have grown enough over the past few weeks that it wont change anything. But, I will miss having all the time.....so much time. I think I am spoiled.... he says he does not spoil me, but what he gives.....when he gives... i gobble it all up! I consider me spoiled but that is just my opinion, which of course means jack shit, but still my opinion.

Sharing...

Sir and i have spoken a little on this topic before. When i say sharing, i mean sharing someone with each other. I personally think women are the most absolutely beautiful creatures to ever walk the earth! Having said that I definitely do not mind a romp around the bed with one. Sir is aware of my desires and he's always very supportive. i will sometimes mention interest in someone I know or I have met and he will ask me to bring him pictures of said person. i think the first time I was asked to do such a thing panic washed over me a bit! but - how - what - when - omg ! hehe Then his clever little "to your place girl" words followed ... "i'm waiting." yes Sir!

So, he's asked me how I feel about bringing girls to him, with their consent. The thought of actually doing it makes me nervous the idea in and of itself does not though. i guess I just think of it as providing service to him. i mean if I can bring someone to him and he can obtain pleasure from that, then its essentially my doing. I tend not to be the jealous type... so long as I am involved in the process and all parties are aware of my place (small disclaimer ;)... in fact the idea of watching Sir with another woman is quite an erotic one for me. I am sure sometimes he would let me play too - when he chooses of course - but even without the ability to be physically involved i would still get satisfaction of pleasuring Sir even through a medium and I know he would thank me for it later in his own way...I just have to learn how to broach the topic when the time comes and not be so dang nervous about it!

I know my place and I know that regardless of whomever I would bring home to him or for us that she wouldn't be able to replace me in his eyes. i would think that is why the idea of it doesn't intimidate me. It is just that.. sex... it's not a relationship and she isnt his. I am. Besides, the bottom line is that Sir gets what Sir wants. I'm just there to provide it =) And if my interest in women on a sexual level has resulted in him wanting these things, or maybe that desire was already there and knowing my feelings has just brough it forward, then I have no issues providing him with that delicious sin.

Outside Influences...

When I write everyday I tend to run out of things to say or reflect on... that's when I solicit the help from Sir because of course he still expects to see something even if there is nothing I can come up with on my own...

So his suggestion was to write about outside influences and how I keep them from interfering with our relationship. Wow ok sooo the first thing that come to mind was that I have no idea how I do this... but I think that its one of those things that I do without realizing so of course explain it here wont come easy cause as usual Sir likes to stretch my mind and teach me something =)


I guess the main thing I do is make sure that he is aware of absolutely everything thats going on in my life whether its embarassing or personal... good word there personal... because really and truly that explains it... I don't have anything thats just mine. I am his and therefore everything that I feel and everything I do it belongs to him. If I dont share those things with him and he doesnt know whats going on in my life when he's not around or involved - that is when it is going to effect our relationship.


Presentation is a good thing here to talk about... definitely somewhere I need to grow... how I bring those outside influences to Sir is really important... I mean yea he is there for me to comfort me when I need it, but ultimately he is my Master and the information Im needing to communicate to him is just that information. This is where I have the most issues right now in depending on him to be able to fix everything even when Im failing to communicate it with him. Sir always reminds me that he never fails me when I am open and honest... I may not always like what he has to say or how he chooses to handle things, but he never fails me and thats whats important...

Speaking of not failing... the other thing I try to do has to do with when whatever it is... my day to day interactment with others be it good or bad.. I know that if I do the best that I can in every situation that I will not be failing Sir. If i don't want my interaction with outside influences to effect our relationship the best medicine is just to make sure that I am handling things in a way that he would want me to.

Tough Love

Posted yesterday about control and solicited some help... I titled the blog post "tough love" because thats how I saw it. Thanks to Luna who said something I think I needed to hear:

"the only thing i can suggest is what i remind myself of occasionally - that he's my dominant, not my babysitter, and finding ways to improve myself and keep myself physically and emotionally strong is *also* my responsibility to him."

I think that at the time, this was probably what I REALLY needed most to hear. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way that I forget my place. I just end up spinning in circles and things pile up until I cant see up from down or left from right. Sir has always pointed out that when I get to that point I start taking back control. Which is *ironic* (hehe just for you Sir) since my issue is lack of control!

Oy! And how things go round and round.... So I took the "tough love" from Luna - thank you! - he is my dominant and I need to trust him and believe in him. I need to wait when he wants me to wait and trust that he will give me time when its best for both of us. When I talked to Sir about all of this he mentioned that another thing about me is that when I get like this he does pull back some because I get pushy and that's bad because its not my place. Which really doesn't help because once he does pull back then I start feeling that tension and it makes things worse.

I do need to get better about being stronger emotionally for him (even though he does love it when I cry ;) and I'm going to work on that and presentation. So I have a new standing order when I am feeling odd and I have to write it before I say it until I learn how to say it right!

waiting my turn...

I sit and wait mostly patient (I say mostly because I know I give Sir a run for his money sometimes) for my turn. When he decides he will pay me attention or take advantage. The waiting is the hard part. I spend all this time making sure I am readily available for whatever he decides he will need and whenever that will be. Studying, reading, writing, watching, listening, learning... aching for that moment when it will pay off.

Sir has been pretty busy lately. I asked earlier why it seems the time he chooses to allow it to effect mostly effects me over others... he says it effects everyone. I think sometimes he pushes me though. I cannot tell if it is because he does not know how to handle my struggling with it, or because he enjoys watching me squirm. He does always do his best to reassure me that he still needs me....even when he's not directly "using" me... I think under other circumstances... perhaps in the past... had I thought something like that I would probably question the type of relationship I was in....

The fact of the matter is, this relationship I'm in... I knew what it was... I agreed to it and accepted it. I want those things...I need those things... I love Sir with all my heart and I know he loves me. I live for the moments where he needs me to do something for him - whatever it is... I want him to take advantage of me, use me, take me.... when he can do those things... when he does those things... I feel fulfilled. I feel it is my purpose, my reason, my place. I miss them when they aren't there....

So I wait... patiently... for my turn...

Insecurities

I will often go back and read something I've written to Sir or for Sir. Sometimes if I read back over something I've written while I was angry or upset and I will be surprised at how I acted. Other times Ill look back over something I had studied and then wrote about.... Below is an older assignment I had.

I reread this today because I felt like I was once again letting my own lack of confidence and insecurities step in between Sir and I. The time it took to reflect did help a bit, it reminded me of how I felt after doing the task and study and focused me a little more... which I think is something I needed at this moment.

I find myself needing to read and understand on a regular basis now. I think in some way it enables me to feel closer to him while hes unavailable or away... I also ordered the book to follow this one. It should be here just after thanksgiving so i need to get caught up on my reading as I am anxious to begin the fiction that's on its way.

Today's chapter was on scenes and how they work and the thought that goes into them.. One of my favorites I read today was a fantasy scene that the author did with his submissive. It was an induction into a coven of witches. The sensory aspects of this particular scene sent chills through me even as an outside observer. The intense thought and preparation put into the scene by her Master was overwhelming...The music, the odors, the different voices... it's incredible how much care goes into these types of things. It takes a lot of concern away mainly because the extent to which her Master went through for his subs is very reassuring about their feelings for one another.

I also learned today that my insecurities about the lifestyle are not abnormal. The author wrote that submissives often need to be reassured as to their inherent worth, especially after a particularly intense scene. The author also mentioned that submissives will often be reluctant to say anything that can be taken as criticism even when asked, but by eliciting negative comments or feelings from the submissive and welcoming them in an adult manner it would do much to build the self worth of the sub and their opinion of their Master.

He corrected me the other night in what I was saying because he felt I was saying what he wanted to hear instead of how I really felt... I often fear giving the wrong answer to a question asked, while in that particular situation I was trying to be as honest as possible i can say that this often crosses my mind. What is the right answer? What if he does not like what I have to say? i must learn to be more honest with myself and him so that we both can learn from the situation and grow on it. I would not want my insecurities to adversely effect the progress that we could make as a couple....

Collared

I was out tonight with some friends, Sir excluded as he was busy with his own plans... Anyways, our server was wearing this beaded choker type thing around her neck with a heart shaped name tag on it...like the kind you get in the pet store... and the word "girl". Jealous I was.... not just that she was owned, but also her ability to wear it out and about around others.

It's hard for me to see what others have. I have a bad habit on focusing on what I don't have and not enough on what I do have. Sir has corrected me many times before. He says I need to focus more on the solution and less on the problem. He is right, but wearing his collar is something he's considered before, yet not something I have been privileged enough to earn. I know its not something to be taken lightly.

I don't know why it is so important to me, but well yes I do... Just when sir first mentioned he was considering it, I was caught off guard to know he thought that way. I am really hard on myself... sometimes too hard and the behavior and feelings that result because of that are always corrected. I just didn't expect to hear him say that at that point. It was something I had always looked forward to, hoped would happen, etc... Then it was followed up with a "Just considering" comment and mentioned how he still had a concern with it.

I try really hard to do right by Sir, and he says that under the circumstance I do really well. I try not to let other's experience get me down, but sometimes I get envious or jealous of the situations or interactions of other subs with their dom/mes. I guess I'm just looking forward to the day when Sir decides I'm ready to wear his collar.

Time

It's a valuable thing. Something I cherish whenever I get it. This is something I've been struggling with as of late. Sir has been being so patient with it, with me. He is making more efforts to include me in time he is spending with others. In doing so for me, I have done the same for him. Even though it pans out to only be a few more minutes here or there and a couple extra phone calls, it's not about the time, it's about feeling like I'm involved in more of his life than just what I am to him alone.

The more obstacles we overcome, the more communication we have, the more we open up to each other... it becomes more reassuring to me that this is right. It's hard work all the time. Easily the most time intensive and detail oriented relationship I have been a part of. Moments like this when I realize how the hard work on a particular situation has paid of, makes it worth it. makes all of the tears and hours of communication and struggling worth it. I look back now on how badly I wanted to run away or shut down during that time and I end up being really glad that Sir pushed me as hard as he did to hang in there and fight for it.

133

That's what time it is... 1:33 AM. I cannot sleep. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm overthinking as usual. I did well today. Sir said so =) I did not dwell so long that thoughts imploded inside of me. I came to Sir and I told him I needed time to discuss and he made it right away, though I wasn't asking for this. Startled and caught offguard of course, I was thinking I would have some time to work up the nerves, haha funny! Speak! So I began trying to explain how my thoughts take over.

I have this funny thing that happens in my head where something is going on in my mind that should not be and I'm telling myself, "Self, that's not yours to decided" or "you know better than that and you know your place". YES! Yes I do so stop stop stop get out of my head. Gah he said tell him specifically the thoughts! Oh geez, but he could have been so mad for hearing what was going on in there... *gulp* then the one word..... "girl" and I just spilled my guts... hehe

Time to change things he says, the expectation is there now, but Sir I was trying. And he knows and he explains why and he reassures me it is not punishment. So much more to talk about, but it felt good tonight that he recognized the progress. I brought the issues to him within 24 hours which is so very new. The struggles... they are nothing specific. They are insecurities. I don't know the trigger I just know how it makes me feel... YUCK!

It's the transition between girl and woman. I spent years and years learning to hide the self hurting and the feelings and thoughts in my mind. I learned and taught myself how to act... now, that's all being undone. I feel safe when I'm in his presence and that's the only time. Outside of that bubble, people are judging... things can happen... I'm not protected... he's not there. Severe abandonment issues... the minutes away are soooo draining. Luckily it is not a constant thing... comes and goes... but still no idea on the trigger. We are going to talk more about it after the long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Sir tries so hard and he says straight out he doesn't have the answer, but he stands by me and he loves me, because I'm his little girl.

Sir

Talking with Sir this afternoon, and I mentioned not having decided yet what I would write about. He was making a funny, but of course I ducked and missed it, and he said I should write about him. I said... hmmm... Well I always kind of write about you. After he pointed out he was making a funny I kind of chuckled but then had an idea to write about him anyways. Why he is important to me, why I love him, how we came to be, and all that other gushy stuff. I mean yes of course I'm almost always writing about him. That's generally because of the type of writing he requires of me is to reflect upon events or things that have happened because he believes it helps me.

So anyways, it's like one of those things that you take for granted because its there every day. When I started this journey and this relationship with Sir. I knew absolutely nothing about the lifestyle. We were friends for a longggggg time before anything romantic. You know there's always that playful flirting that people do when there's chemistry but our friendship was strictly platonic.... One day we started talking more in depth about our current and past relationships with people and he opened up to me about the type of lifestyle he prefers to live. I think he must have really trusted me and been extremely comfortable with me to do this. Of course at first I didn't get all the juicy details, just the dynamic and what it meant. I think until then that I didn't realize that BDSM could even reach beyond just bedroom play.

Sir tried to show how his traits even in a vanilla dynamic shined through in the way he interacted with me on our current, playfully flirting platform. There were times when, I will say... hmmm I was overly intoxicated and doing this - not normally a good idea for a 20something girl to do - walking through the crowded streets of a city in the middle of the night drinking =) Straying from the group... such a naughty girl I was. Yet Sir was their, lurking in the shadows I say, watching over me =) He also tried to explain to me things he saw in me. Traits he says make me who I am, that I've tended to push back into the dark corners of my mind. I'm grateful of that conversation nearly every day... When I think about how I can't do this, or it's too difficult to do this, that particular conversation and day is something I like to play through in my head over and over again. That day, nearly 2 years gone now, is still fresh in my memory like so many of the conversations we've had.

I like to think I've come a long way since then. Sir seems to think so too. One think I can count on is the growth. Sir is the best teacher, he is kind and patient. Even when correcting behavior he is reasonable. He is always calm. In that eerie "I wish you would get angry" way. He has never raised his voice to me. Now I will say, sometimes my tongue gets the best of me and he will often try to correct THAT behavior in his "I'm a cool, calm, collected Dom" voice - which doesn't work - and need to speak over me blurting out my full name... talk about pulling me up short =) Another thing I can always count on him to do. Easy NOT to make a mistake when he is around... there's that line I can begin walking and then Sir always grounds me with that warning... the way his voice changes ever so slightly that says he means business =)

Even when we are apart, I can feel his presence, always there, always in my mind, always protecting me. It's not an easy place to stay. A lot of times I wish I could just run away and hide, but there is something about Sir knowing me they way he does. Knowing every inch of me, inside and out. I think when it began it was hard to understand. It was hard to get used to him always being in my head. Sometimes it still is, but usually.... now it is the most incredibly wonderful place. I don't have to worry about anything other than just this one thing... To be known so well, better than you know yourself really... it's a very protected feeling...

Things are never always perfect. There are good days and there are bad. Just like with any relationship. We have our hardships and we both have moments where we mess things up. Sir always puts the pieces back together. It takes time, and it's more intensive than just apologizing and moving on. But, Sir is dedicated. He is dedicated to me and our relationship and he wants us to succeed. I think he has a hard time with me... I don't think I make things easy on him. I try to do right by him. I try to do right by us and I do know my place. But I definitely do not make things even. I can be the most stubborn of a brat and oh do i like to run. Good thing he keeps a short leash around. ;)

His persistence and his dedication to our relationship is why I love him most. I know he does not take me for granted or the things I do for him. It is so easy to love him seeing how much he loves me. I would gladly stay balled up at his feet for ever and ever if he would let me. I would wait for hours, days, weeks, months for him to just use me once...even if it was only for a fraction of the time I had waited. I've never been loved the way he loves me. I've never known someone to believe so much in me. I've never before ever met a man like him. I'm so proud to be his, that is the most important thing to me.