Thinking....

So, Sir has been very busy, so busy in fact, that I think it is wearing on him, not just physically but also emotionally. We have very little to no, in some cases , interation between one another beside casual exchanges of well wishes. I have of course explained to him how I feel about all of this and the toll that it is taking on our relationship. The expectation is that I trust him and what he says he wants. So, the struggle, becomes how to handle this while ommitting all normal reactions and feeling. I do trust him, and I've told him how I feel at this point, so its just a matter of waiting and accepting whatever decisions he makes regarding it.

I have been neglecting some of my required tasking and such because of how I feel lately regarding things. Maybe hoping for some type of reaction or punishment, anything at all that would remind me of my place and require attention from him... negative or positive. I dont know... it's very hard for me to feel that way and to want to serve when I have close to no contact with Sir. I do WANT to serve, suffer, task.... anything for him. But, its not my place to choose what those things consist of and with no direction from him, it prooves very difficult to remain in that mindset.

Grr.... but, I'm going to make an effort I suppose to do the things he once asked of me, and hope that it makes a difference... we shall see.

Stay...

I have not been writing here much... for a multitude of reasons really. A lot has been going on but at the same time, not much going on.... Sir has been very busy. He has filled his schedule with a lot of things because he doesnt like to be idle...It's good for him and it definitely helps him keep his spirits. He is a different person than he was when he had no plans, no commitments, and nothing to do... He's happier.... Unfortunately, it leaves less time for us... for me.

I made the comment to him the other day that it's funny how something that was so hard to build up seems to fragile and delicate. A steady balance of time, direction, desire, communication, emotion.... all resting on this little ledge, pressed against the wall, trying not to fall off....I've been feeling the pressure lately, as I sit idley by and wait... I've gotten a lot of helpful feedback from friends about what I can do and how it is important for me to remain emotionally and physically strong for Sir. That I need to be able to stand alone in his "presence" for when the time and direction is not there. Think and act on my own in his best interest... and I've been doing that quite well and he agrees, unfortunately I feel I reached the end of my rope... there just comes a time when you miss a person so much that it hurts... I miss my Daddy.

I miss his attention, I miss him needing things of me, I miss the way he makes me feel when he talks about me, when he says the things he wants to do, when he does the things that make me feel my place. I miss feeling whole, and I miss the feeling that I belong to someone. I havent been writing publicly about this yet, because I feel its really important for me to communicate it with Sir first. My writing here is secondary to my communication with him, and while daily journaling is required of me in my service to him, it does not need to be done or shared publicly until it has been discussed with Sir or directed by Sir specifically. I have shared my feelings with him and he is working towards a solution.

I guess in a dream world I expected him to say wow you're right I feel the same way, lets fix things. Of course nothing is that easy... not even for Sir. Everything takes thought, discussion, thought, discussion, thought, discussion.... I feel a great deal of love for him. He was a friend before and above all else to me when this started. I supposed I'm a bit of a romantic in thinking that love is all you need. The rest just falls into place, right? Apparently not... rude awakening for the little girl.

From my perspective, I just think, I made him the center of my world. Every action, every thought, every thing.... belongs to him. With him pulling out of that role in this busy time it leaves me rather aloof to say the least... without a purpose maybe? So I continue on, grasping tightly to the moments I do have, completing my daily tasks with vigorous execution, wishing there was more to do. I make myself ready for that moment when it all comes back to "center" by continuing to do whats expected, taking care of myself as much as possibly from a physical and emotional aspect. I stay and I wait.... for when he'll need me again....and I hope.

Random

When things are good, there is less to write about... go figure. Well, that is of course unless Sir has given me a specific task to document. So, today is no different.... I have very little to write about.... so .... a few random thoughts:

Sir has changed things... I've never been allowed to mastrubate without permission and I've always asked, but now Im required to ask not only for the chance to mastrubate but also to come. Little things have been changing... in a good way. The way he asks for things, says things, directs me. He's taking more and more control every day and his expectations of me are becoming more and more. I am responsible for more...this all makes me a very happy little girl. His very happy little girl....

I am concerned about something though. Our time is going to change soon due to other obligations of both of us. I don't know if it's just not knowing how it will effect things or just worried that it may effect things. I would like to think that I have grown, and we have grown enough over the past few weeks that it wont change anything. But, I will miss having all the time.....so much time. I think I am spoiled.... he says he does not spoil me, but what he gives.....when he gives... i gobble it all up! I consider me spoiled but that is just my opinion, which of course means jack shit, but still my opinion.

Life is good...

Well, it has been a rocky road, full of challenges, and lows as of late.... but that ended last week when Sir gave me time on Tuesday to correct somethings between us. We talked about how I was feeling and why... he gave me open forum to express my concerns and issues. I'm always weary with open forum because there are things you just don't say, but he wanted to hear them and that was my direction at that point. So I let it all out, I let it all go and he heard it all. Sir needed me to let him go at the end because he was feeling irritated, but things were made clear to me before that. Presentation is everything. I have to bring everything to Sir, that's the expectation. That does not mean bitch sessions are welcome and I need to be poised and proper in bringing issues, concerns, thoughts, and feelings to him.

Since that conversation, things have been changing. I would not say that they have been changing drastically, but slow and steady is more like it. He is interacting with me differently, and I him. It's better and it's more consistent and we are actually enjoying the others' company and not just tip-toe'ing through our interactions. I think the most difficult part of this journey for me has been the trust issue. Learning to trust... completely. I let go... the last brick of that wall has fallen. Im no longer clinging to ideas of what was or what MIGHT be... I take what is there for what it is. I know my place in Sir's life. I know what he wants of me, what he expects of me, and where I sit in that world of his. It is my place there on that pedestal. It is my responsibility and mine only to provide service to him. Others may come and go, but they do not take the place he has given me. I am his to control in body, mind, and spirit.

I love my Sir, my Master; he is everything to me, and I am here to please him. Until Sir decides he no longer wishes to have me in his service - that is my place and that is where I will remain. Sir says that is forever.. I only wish to be so lucky.

Misconceptions

I hate when I am around someone and they say something off key about the lifestyle. It doesn't have to be that they are wrong, just that they say something that isn't entirely right or they just don't get what they are saying. I'm of the mind that if you just don't get it then you should keep your mouth shut instead of spouting off some incessant bullshit and try to sound like you know what you are talking about. Not only are you making a fool of yourself to anyone who really understands what you are talking about, you are just being naive.

Someone very close to me judged "people like that" tonight and when I say very close.... grrrr I mean very close. It's upsetting to say the least. I mean, I expect to hear it from time to time from random people... people I don't know, but when I'm being judged by friends or family for my choices... it's a completely different feeling.

I know that they don't realize it's me they are insulting with their snide comments or remarks, but it just goes to show that you should always watch what you say because you don't know how it will effect the people around you... the people you supposedly care about.

133

That's what time it is... 1:33 AM. I cannot sleep. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm overthinking as usual. I did well today. Sir said so =) I did not dwell so long that thoughts imploded inside of me. I came to Sir and I told him I needed time to discuss and he made it right away, though I wasn't asking for this. Startled and caught offguard of course, I was thinking I would have some time to work up the nerves, haha funny! Speak! So I began trying to explain how my thoughts take over.

I have this funny thing that happens in my head where something is going on in my mind that should not be and I'm telling myself, "Self, that's not yours to decided" or "you know better than that and you know your place". YES! Yes I do so stop stop stop get out of my head. Gah he said tell him specifically the thoughts! Oh geez, but he could have been so mad for hearing what was going on in there... *gulp* then the one word..... "girl" and I just spilled my guts... hehe

Time to change things he says, the expectation is there now, but Sir I was trying. And he knows and he explains why and he reassures me it is not punishment. So much more to talk about, but it felt good tonight that he recognized the progress. I brought the issues to him within 24 hours which is so very new. The struggles... they are nothing specific. They are insecurities. I don't know the trigger I just know how it makes me feel... YUCK!

It's the transition between girl and woman. I spent years and years learning to hide the self hurting and the feelings and thoughts in my mind. I learned and taught myself how to act... now, that's all being undone. I feel safe when I'm in his presence and that's the only time. Outside of that bubble, people are judging... things can happen... I'm not protected... he's not there. Severe abandonment issues... the minutes away are soooo draining. Luckily it is not a constant thing... comes and goes... but still no idea on the trigger. We are going to talk more about it after the long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Sir tries so hard and he says straight out he doesn't have the answer, but he stands by me and he loves me, because I'm his little girl.

Sir

Talking with Sir this afternoon, and I mentioned not having decided yet what I would write about. He was making a funny, but of course I ducked and missed it, and he said I should write about him. I said... hmmm... Well I always kind of write about you. After he pointed out he was making a funny I kind of chuckled but then had an idea to write about him anyways. Why he is important to me, why I love him, how we came to be, and all that other gushy stuff. I mean yes of course I'm almost always writing about him. That's generally because of the type of writing he requires of me is to reflect upon events or things that have happened because he believes it helps me.

So anyways, it's like one of those things that you take for granted because its there every day. When I started this journey and this relationship with Sir. I knew absolutely nothing about the lifestyle. We were friends for a longggggg time before anything romantic. You know there's always that playful flirting that people do when there's chemistry but our friendship was strictly platonic.... One day we started talking more in depth about our current and past relationships with people and he opened up to me about the type of lifestyle he prefers to live. I think he must have really trusted me and been extremely comfortable with me to do this. Of course at first I didn't get all the juicy details, just the dynamic and what it meant. I think until then that I didn't realize that BDSM could even reach beyond just bedroom play.

Sir tried to show how his traits even in a vanilla dynamic shined through in the way he interacted with me on our current, playfully flirting platform. There were times when, I will say... hmmm I was overly intoxicated and doing this - not normally a good idea for a 20something girl to do - walking through the crowded streets of a city in the middle of the night drinking =) Straying from the group... such a naughty girl I was. Yet Sir was their, lurking in the shadows I say, watching over me =) He also tried to explain to me things he saw in me. Traits he says make me who I am, that I've tended to push back into the dark corners of my mind. I'm grateful of that conversation nearly every day... When I think about how I can't do this, or it's too difficult to do this, that particular conversation and day is something I like to play through in my head over and over again. That day, nearly 2 years gone now, is still fresh in my memory like so many of the conversations we've had.

I like to think I've come a long way since then. Sir seems to think so too. One think I can count on is the growth. Sir is the best teacher, he is kind and patient. Even when correcting behavior he is reasonable. He is always calm. In that eerie "I wish you would get angry" way. He has never raised his voice to me. Now I will say, sometimes my tongue gets the best of me and he will often try to correct THAT behavior in his "I'm a cool, calm, collected Dom" voice - which doesn't work - and need to speak over me blurting out my full name... talk about pulling me up short =) Another thing I can always count on him to do. Easy NOT to make a mistake when he is around... there's that line I can begin walking and then Sir always grounds me with that warning... the way his voice changes ever so slightly that says he means business =)

Even when we are apart, I can feel his presence, always there, always in my mind, always protecting me. It's not an easy place to stay. A lot of times I wish I could just run away and hide, but there is something about Sir knowing me they way he does. Knowing every inch of me, inside and out. I think when it began it was hard to understand. It was hard to get used to him always being in my head. Sometimes it still is, but usually.... now it is the most incredibly wonderful place. I don't have to worry about anything other than just this one thing... To be known so well, better than you know yourself really... it's a very protected feeling...

Things are never always perfect. There are good days and there are bad. Just like with any relationship. We have our hardships and we both have moments where we mess things up. Sir always puts the pieces back together. It takes time, and it's more intensive than just apologizing and moving on. But, Sir is dedicated. He is dedicated to me and our relationship and he wants us to succeed. I think he has a hard time with me... I don't think I make things easy on him. I try to do right by him. I try to do right by us and I do know my place. But I definitely do not make things even. I can be the most stubborn of a brat and oh do i like to run. Good thing he keeps a short leash around. ;)

His persistence and his dedication to our relationship is why I love him most. I know he does not take me for granted or the things I do for him. It is so easy to love him seeing how much he loves me. I would gladly stay balled up at his feet for ever and ever if he would let me. I would wait for hours, days, weeks, months for him to just use me once...even if it was only for a fraction of the time I had waited. I've never been loved the way he loves me. I've never known someone to believe so much in me. I've never before ever met a man like him. I'm so proud to be his, that is the most important thing to me.

Unnerving

The past couple days have been a wonderful experience. Ive already blogged regarding Monday and yesterday was no different. Sir had requested that I continue not to cum. He had me play again in the morning, but not finish of course. Then I was sent to work with Duotone Orgasm Balls... Normally they are more suited for a night out dancing or a concert, but because of the type of work I would be doing yesterday and the exercises he required of me while I was at work they proved to be of much use there as well. Then when I had gotten home Sir gave me permission to remove them and play. I said play? to the edge again? No, he had given me permission to finish, but seeing as he was not there or taking part of it... I kind of nose-dived off the edge of this cliff I had been on for the previous 48 hours. I did not want to do it, and he did not make me.

Today I had, I guess what I would consider, a break.... Sir was unavailable to me, due to being sick and resting, I immediately had all of these thoughts pounding through my head. I did not wish to wake him because I knew he was not feeling well. The one thing pounding through my mind was that back when he gave me a "Clean Slate" he wanted to make sure that I understood that going forward anything I kept from him would be translated into time away from him twice the amount of how long it too me to bring my thoughts to Sir.

I still do not know where the thoughts came from, what caused them, or why. I just know that I was so afraid, afraid of Sir leaving. Ive come to depend very much on him and I truly love everything I am to him. I truly love Sir with every fiber of my being. I cannot imagine a world without him. I was inundated with thoughts of abandonment. Although, Sir has always said the only reason he will leave is if I betray him consciously on some level. I kept thinking he would leave just to leave, just because he grew tired of me or wished to move on to someone else. I was reaching the end of my rope when the phone rang. I literally ran to it and it was Sir.

I immediately burst into tears, Sir was worried and needed to know what was going on. I explained I had been struggling with whether or not to wake him because of the thoughts. So I told him the thoughts that had happened in my head. He reassured me over and over and over again. He explained that no one makes a decision without reason. Sir gave me examples from as random as how we decide we want to eat, or take a bath to why I had left previous relationships. Slowly and surely he calmed me down. As I reached a more rational level I began to feel foolish for having felt that way in the first place and then to come to him blubbering like a fool. But again, Sir reassured me, explaining I cannot help how I feel. He tried to help me identify where the feelings originated from, but we were unsuccessful.

It's an uneasy feeling to know my mentality could change so suddenly and without reason. However, I do feel better knowing that Sir was so easily able to ground me, and straighten things out again. He not once made me feel foolish or guilty for feeling the way I did and I think normally in that situation others have treated me as though I was crazy.

Favorite Things...

I was not really sure what I wanted to write about tonight, so I figured I would make a list of all the things Sir does that I love....

• When he makes extra time and surprises me with it
• When he refers to himself as Daddy
• When he says something he wants done short, simple, with no please in front.. ie call me, stand up, show me
• The way he says my whole name in that tone when I'm doing something wrong or he is correcting behavior
• When he calls me names under his breath so others wont hear... whether it be slut, baby girl, whore, little girl.... any of them really =)
• When I'm crying and blabbing so hard he cannot understand a word I'm saying but still manages to calm me down
• How he always takes the time to help me figure out how to deal with things I'm having a difficult time with
• The way he knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I want to eat, or how I feel

High Time...

Tonight Sir wished for me to masturbate in front of him. I should preface by saying that I am only allowed to masturbate when I ask for it or it is given to me as a task. Sometimes even if I do ask, I am told I am only allowed to play and I'm not given permission to finish. Often times when he says, "Yes, little girl, you can play.." My response is ... "and whats the catch?" Its always something. I cant say that I don't like that though, or I would be fibbing and Sir doesn't like that! ;)

So tonight, I was told what to do, how to do it. He tested me on many levels...my self control, my ability to take and understand his direction. At first when he said what he wanted... I was like no no no.... I do know I am not to tell him no, but as he pointed out we both knew I was merely prolonging the inevitable.. therefore what I was really saying was I was not ready...it didn't take long for me to get ready once he asked me if I was telling him no. Of course I would never do that!

It was so difficult... so exposed...soooooo nervous. He tried very hard to make it easier.... "Turn the vibrator on....hold it still on my clit.... " inside my mind is doing flips between Yay he called it his and oh no hes watching....several minutes passed "now move it up and down".... I don't normally do that... or do I...no I definitely don't. All being said out loud he reminded me he was in control and stated he knew what I did or did not normally do and he was giving me that direction for a reason....

So, I followed his every command to the very end when he gave me permission... "you can cum whenever you want now"... I was trying so hard not to before that my body kind of didn't know what to do.... I have a bad habit of forgetting to breathe here.... Sir knows that and as I was orgasming one of the most intense I've ever had "alone", I managed to nearly choke myself... but he calmed me down and told me to relax and he sat by and waited helping me catch my breath until I was completely calm... to tell me he was proud. =)

I was very blessed tonight! Not only was I given extra time with him this evening, something I had not planned on, but I was also allowed to do something that pleased Sir. I was rewarded too with something I had been asking for, for quite some time honestly. We did visit that because he wanted to point out I had learned an important lesson.

I do say a lot that I am spoiled. It is true... a lot of people in my life spoil me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. I don't want to say that Sir does not, but he does it in a different way... It's just different. Often I ask for things I don't need, merely want. Depending on what it is i am asking for, Sir decides whether to allow it or not. More times than not, it's not allowed. So tonight after receiving this wonderful gift... he asked me how much better it was that I had to wait for it... WOW! It was a small thing, but it was such a BIG DEAL to me that I had gotten it. That Sir had given it to me.

Giddy like a school girl, I sit here and spend the rest of my night. We spoke before he left of this mood it had all put me in. I want...the pictures flashing through my mind. His hands in my hair, around my wrists... his body leaning over me.... Longing for his taste...his smell.... I told him I felt I needed to be tied down to stay out of trouble tonight. To keep these hands from what is his between these legs.... "Possessed" I think I called myself. I can honestly say Ive never allowed myself to feel the way I do this evening. Another assignment before bed... bring his little slut to the edge and then stop... so I am still wet and yearning for Sir in the morning.