La La Land...

Well a lot has been going on as of late. Time has been restricted due to holidays and family visiting. Time away from Sir drives me crazy and I tend to fall back into old ways... I think I have reached a point in our realtionship where he wants me to be more aware of the decisions I am making and to consider what he would want in doing so. I believe that what has happened is that I have become more and more dependant on his direction and that control that when I am not in his immediate care so to speak I tend to go into this like lala land where im kinda like derrrrr well what do I do now. I think the last thing any Dom/me would want would be for their sub to not be able to think or operate on their own. Sir has some ideas to help me develop that aspect of our relationship. I think the thing I need to remember is that this is all very new for me and Im going to struggle with some things. I need to rely on his guidance to help me through those things instead of letting them frustrate me.

I did get into some trouble over the holidays. Sir says that when I am struggling with things I start to try and take control back. This causes big problems! Im currently working on a 5 page punishment... =/ I have to write front and back "It is not my choice when I will hurt and I will not take what is his to give or take away from him again" I don't think that I realized how much writing that really ways before I started it. I had permission not to speak of it here, but I think that after having to relive it as many times as i did to complete the task Sir gave me as punishment has made me more comfortable. For as long as I can remember, I do recall doing things to hurt myself. It would start as biting and then I would start hitting myself or scratching myself. It escalated over the years into eating disorders and cutting, but when I first met Sir he made me promise not to do those things anymore. For the past year and a half or so now, I haven't. However I am facing a lot of different issues right now and the stress of it and him not being available to me has caused me to back slide now. This really bothers me a lot because I have fought so hard to stay away from those things that I dont want to fall into old addictions. I need something I can put that energy into to take those feelings away and I need to rely on Sir to provide it. Unfortunately, this is not something we have been able to figure out yet.

Clean Slate

I've written about this topic on many occasions. I am learning and I am struggling with letting go.

Last night was an incredibly intense and almost ... dare I say... horrifying, but I think thats what it was. Sir had me face something that has been ongoing for over a year. My relationship with another boy and what it was and what it meant to me. I think very often I feel so ashamed by what I feel that I push it so deep down inside of me and I lie to myself about it. Unintentionally, by lying to myself, I was lying to Sir. He had me realize what my feelings were and drew them out of me last night and made me face them. He said he was not angry, but that he has known for a long time. I was soooo upset. I was disappointed in myself, and I was ashamed because I had hurt him. He told me to stop. Sir said that doing what I was doing was belittiling his opinions and lowering his value of me. This is not my place, but upon hearing those words I was even more livid with myself. Not by what I had done with the other boy, but because of my reaction. Because here Sir was, guiding me, trying to show me and wanting me to learn and grow from it and I beating myself into a pulp. He gave me a letter to read over and add my personal notes and feelings to that I was to send to the boy. My friendship with him is over now, I cannot go back. Sir believes this is best for me and us and so it will be. I feel better about it today looking back, I know I disappointed him, but I also know I can make it up by learning from it and this will make Sir proud.

Before that conversation, I was told to read 2 entries by Spiral Submissive - "Dropping the D Word" and "Dependency". Sir asked me to reflect on both and explain how they made me feel. I told him that it sounded like me and he said he showed me because he did not want me to feel as though my thoughts were "so far out there". I then continued on to tell him of the struggles I have been having with sharing the thoughts. Sir said starting last night, that I would have a clean slate, but that if I cannot share with him that he cannot help me because he will not understand everything thats going on.

After the above conversation, I remember what we had talked about earlier and mumbled "clean slate". Sir asked if I was surprised to know that he had a reason for that knowing the conversation we were going to have later. I am often suprised by what is in his mind. Even to the point that now when I am surprised, Im not surprised thats the case!

Having the clean slate, I felt I needed to address something that had been weighing on my mind for sometime. I stated that I knew my place. To which Sir responded with his usual "as it should be". I brought up how I refer to him here and in my other writing. He did say yes and no that it pleased him, but that he would not discuss it now. Later he asked me how I wanted to address him... I was not sure... he asked me how I felt...and I told him, that I belong. Sir directed me to show that in my writing....

So here I am, writing about my clean slate and fresh start.... I have a lot of anxiety right now because I want to do well. Im feeling overwhelmingly vulnerable. I don't want to leave the house. I did not want Sir to leave me this morning. Feeling slightly abandoned I suppose and here I sit, writing, when I should be getting ready for my day....