Back to Life....

Been away as of late due to work. Which of course made it next to impossible to do my daily tasking and such. So I'm settled back in now and need to resume my daily obligations and tasking. Things have been interesting to say the least....

I knew time was going to change as I mentioned in a previous post. Something that I have struggled with in the past for sure was time and lack there of. I learned a very difficult lesson in the past month or so regarding that though and have learned to set aside my insecurites or needs for that time in order to be able to still provide service. I would say it has had adverse effects. It has made me more independent with my own time when Sir is busy with other things in addition to letting me feel better about the time he takes away. The issue? Looking at my statement I see things like "independent" and "my own time". The problem is that I don't want to be independent of Sir and I don't want to consider anything my own. Independent yet... good trait and it makes me feel stronger emotionally as well.... but I want Sir to be involved in my life, not necessarily always directing, but be an actual part of my life. That has not been the case lately. In fact in my opinion lately we have been living two very separate lives and only crossing paths when it best fit. The time when we have crossed paths has been so very limited that the chemistry and control is not there in such little time. The dynamic of the relationship has changed. As far as it being my own time. I've always experienced that what is mine is his.... it is not really mine any longer as all of my belongs to Sir physically, emotionally.... it is all his. My feelings are his to do with as he pleases.... my body, the same.... My time isn't really my own... But maybe it has become that way because of the dynamic.

I think it is a balancing act for sure between the two worlds. There is going to be time when life takes us apart and in our own directions, but that connection between us should still and always be there. I guess in this scenario I did not feel it happen. I know that Sir has been missing that dynamic as well and he made clear to me how he felt about the situation when we had some extra time last night. We will have to see how easily things revert back to normal for us. For me, I'm not sure where it has left me.... I've wondered things like, is this how it will be if I just back down and wait for him, his decisions and ability to give time or to use me or require that service I've dedicated myself too? Is this all he needs from me? Do we want different things from one another? It's not a pleasant place, and although Ive learned that it is not my place to question his decisions, it does not make accepting them any easier. That is my duty though. so we shall see how things adapt over the next week or so and how easily it is for us to fall back into one another... here's hoping!

Other than all of that nonsense! =) Lots of other changes have been happening with work and also in goals I have set for myself. Good stuff. I made some changes at work that have to do with quality of life! I've always been the type to absolutely pour myself into everything I do. That included working 60+ hours a week for heartless bastards who never wanted to take the time to recognize what I was doing as a good thing. And, if I don'd mind saying so, what I thought I was doing was really great work! So I decided to say so long to the politics and drama of that world and change jobs. Now I'm working in a much more rewarding environment, for many less hours, and much nicer people! Imagine that. So it has been a very positive change and is causing less drama in my life... yay!

Personal health also a topic for discussion as of late....I've seen many debates and heard many opinions about a submissives responsibility to take care of the body that is owned by his or her Master. I am a believer of the fact that I should be taking care of myself in a sense of being at a healthy weight and in shape. I think I have also shared on my blog before of the challenges I have had with self harming eating disorders as well. So it has definitely proven to be a challenge for me. So now I'm working on a more nutritional menu day to day and have made a commitment to be more physically active and am even working with a personal trainer. I think this will help with more than just the physical aspects of things as obviously my body will be healthier as well as my mind. Definitely something that will help with the confidence and the insecurities. So we shall see how this goes. Not to mention it gives me something to do when I'm alone during the days and nights when Sir is away.

So yea, lots of changes... lots going on... all in all I'm doing well with managing it and hopefully it is something Sir will be able to have a bigger part in soon as time changes for him as well, but we shall see!

Tough Love

Posted yesterday about control and solicited some help... I titled the blog post "tough love" because thats how I saw it. Thanks to Luna who said something I think I needed to hear:

"the only thing i can suggest is what i remind myself of occasionally - that he's my dominant, not my babysitter, and finding ways to improve myself and keep myself physically and emotionally strong is *also* my responsibility to him."

I think that at the time, this was probably what I REALLY needed most to hear. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way that I forget my place. I just end up spinning in circles and things pile up until I cant see up from down or left from right. Sir has always pointed out that when I get to that point I start taking back control. Which is *ironic* (hehe just for you Sir) since my issue is lack of control!

Oy! And how things go round and round.... So I took the "tough love" from Luna - thank you! - he is my dominant and I need to trust him and believe in him. I need to wait when he wants me to wait and trust that he will give me time when its best for both of us. When I talked to Sir about all of this he mentioned that another thing about me is that when I get like this he does pull back some because I get pushy and that's bad because its not my place. Which really doesn't help because once he does pull back then I start feeling that tension and it makes things worse.

I do need to get better about being stronger emotionally for him (even though he does love it when I cry ;) and I'm going to work on that and presentation. So I have a new standing order when I am feeling odd and I have to write it before I say it until I learn how to say it right!

waiting my turn...

I sit and wait mostly patient (I say mostly because I know I give Sir a run for his money sometimes) for my turn. When he decides he will pay me attention or take advantage. The waiting is the hard part. I spend all this time making sure I am readily available for whatever he decides he will need and whenever that will be. Studying, reading, writing, watching, listening, learning... aching for that moment when it will pay off.

Sir has been pretty busy lately. I asked earlier why it seems the time he chooses to allow it to effect mostly effects me over others... he says it effects everyone. I think sometimes he pushes me though. I cannot tell if it is because he does not know how to handle my struggling with it, or because he enjoys watching me squirm. He does always do his best to reassure me that he still needs me....even when he's not directly "using" me... I think under other circumstances... perhaps in the past... had I thought something like that I would probably question the type of relationship I was in....

The fact of the matter is, this relationship I'm in... I knew what it was... I agreed to it and accepted it. I want those things...I need those things... I love Sir with all my heart and I know he loves me. I live for the moments where he needs me to do something for him - whatever it is... I want him to take advantage of me, use me, take me.... when he can do those things... when he does those things... I feel fulfilled. I feel it is my purpose, my reason, my place. I miss them when they aren't there....

So I wait... patiently... for my turn...

Collared

I was out tonight with some friends, Sir excluded as he was busy with his own plans... Anyways, our server was wearing this beaded choker type thing around her neck with a heart shaped name tag on it...like the kind you get in the pet store... and the word "girl". Jealous I was.... not just that she was owned, but also her ability to wear it out and about around others.

It's hard for me to see what others have. I have a bad habit on focusing on what I don't have and not enough on what I do have. Sir has corrected me many times before. He says I need to focus more on the solution and less on the problem. He is right, but wearing his collar is something he's considered before, yet not something I have been privileged enough to earn. I know its not something to be taken lightly.

I don't know why it is so important to me, but well yes I do... Just when sir first mentioned he was considering it, I was caught off guard to know he thought that way. I am really hard on myself... sometimes too hard and the behavior and feelings that result because of that are always corrected. I just didn't expect to hear him say that at that point. It was something I had always looked forward to, hoped would happen, etc... Then it was followed up with a "Just considering" comment and mentioned how he still had a concern with it.

I try really hard to do right by Sir, and he says that under the circumstance I do really well. I try not to let other's experience get me down, but sometimes I get envious or jealous of the situations or interactions of other subs with their dom/mes. I guess I'm just looking forward to the day when Sir decides I'm ready to wear his collar.

Taking care of his little girl...

I've started watching what I eat more closely...I have set goals for myself and reviewed them with him and he agreed. This is not something that hes tasked for me, but I know now that the goals are there he will hold me accountable. My motivation is different this time because I don't feel like Im doing it for myself. I feel as though I am doing it for him. I feel a desire to be more for him all the time. I know he is happy with how I am, and he tells me I put others to shame. This is because he loves me and I am his little girl. I want to take better care of his little girl because I should have been taking better care of myself all along... the reasons one makes up for not having the time... or just not wanting to...they seem silly and small now. I dont think I could use them now.

The eating healthier, exercising, he's also given me permission to go to the Salon this morning. I will be getting pampered today. The only rules involved are no panties and no cutting my hair. I think I can handle this. It makes me happy.. I feel more beautiful and confident than ever before and I want that to continue. I want to make him proud of me... not because of how I look, but because I can take better care of myself and because I can acheive the goals I've set.