Stay...

I have not been writing here much... for a multitude of reasons really. A lot has been going on but at the same time, not much going on.... Sir has been very busy. He has filled his schedule with a lot of things because he doesnt like to be idle...It's good for him and it definitely helps him keep his spirits. He is a different person than he was when he had no plans, no commitments, and nothing to do... He's happier.... Unfortunately, it leaves less time for us... for me.

I made the comment to him the other day that it's funny how something that was so hard to build up seems to fragile and delicate. A steady balance of time, direction, desire, communication, emotion.... all resting on this little ledge, pressed against the wall, trying not to fall off....I've been feeling the pressure lately, as I sit idley by and wait... I've gotten a lot of helpful feedback from friends about what I can do and how it is important for me to remain emotionally and physically strong for Sir. That I need to be able to stand alone in his "presence" for when the time and direction is not there. Think and act on my own in his best interest... and I've been doing that quite well and he agrees, unfortunately I feel I reached the end of my rope... there just comes a time when you miss a person so much that it hurts... I miss my Daddy.

I miss his attention, I miss him needing things of me, I miss the way he makes me feel when he talks about me, when he says the things he wants to do, when he does the things that make me feel my place. I miss feeling whole, and I miss the feeling that I belong to someone. I havent been writing publicly about this yet, because I feel its really important for me to communicate it with Sir first. My writing here is secondary to my communication with him, and while daily journaling is required of me in my service to him, it does not need to be done or shared publicly until it has been discussed with Sir or directed by Sir specifically. I have shared my feelings with him and he is working towards a solution.

I guess in a dream world I expected him to say wow you're right I feel the same way, lets fix things. Of course nothing is that easy... not even for Sir. Everything takes thought, discussion, thought, discussion, thought, discussion.... I feel a great deal of love for him. He was a friend before and above all else to me when this started. I supposed I'm a bit of a romantic in thinking that love is all you need. The rest just falls into place, right? Apparently not... rude awakening for the little girl.

From my perspective, I just think, I made him the center of my world. Every action, every thought, every thing.... belongs to him. With him pulling out of that role in this busy time it leaves me rather aloof to say the least... without a purpose maybe? So I continue on, grasping tightly to the moments I do have, completing my daily tasks with vigorous execution, wishing there was more to do. I make myself ready for that moment when it all comes back to "center" by continuing to do whats expected, taking care of myself as much as possibly from a physical and emotional aspect. I stay and I wait.... for when he'll need me again....and I hope.