New Direction

Sir will often remind me of our agreement... "do you remember the terms? you chose this, you agreed to this..." He thinks I forget sometimes... I am not his equal, no, not even close. A right I have is to bring my concerns to him, yes, but this does not put me on level playing ground with him. He takes what I have to say without a word and then politely asks me if I am done. Then it comes... the reminder... and then the direction.

Sometimes, I accept it, with a big hearty sigh... was I even heard? Sometimes, I get "pushy" as he calls it. Which does force his hand yes, but not in the way the little girl would prefer. It makes things worse of course. So I made the comment, "what am I supposed to just give unconditionally regardless of my own desires or wants?" Of course you are little girl....Grrrrr when I think I have made progress, when I think I get it, when I think I understand - that little voice in my head just comes right out and snap!

So much doubt races around me. I begin to question... Do I make Sir happy? Can I be everything he wants of me? Not my questions to ask.... not my decision to make.... He hasn't released me from his service, so there must be something. I want to be his star... the one who can do everything, provide everything, support him, submit to him... more than anyone else. So I have to remind myself that the others don't matter... that they dont belong to him. Sir cant take from them, use them, rely on them the way he does me... even if I'm last on this list... I'm still the one he calls baby girl and the only one who calls him Daddy at the end of the day.

So, how do I break down everything else, and just take pride and be content with that? That.... which is supposed to be everything to me. That which matters so much to me.... Reading over this you would think that I should realize, I already have everything I so much desire.