Reminders...

I'm often reminded that while I assume he expects perfection, Sir also expects me to make mistakes from time to time. I tend to be harder on myself when I do fudge up than he is on me. So much so that I wonder why in the heck he is taking it so easy on me. A time when I need to remind myself that it is not my place to punish myself. That I need to accept what is being said or done to address the issues by him and let it go.

There are a lot of things I need to remember. I find myself making lists when something is said or directed. I will spend time reading over my lists and reminding myself of where I have been and what I have learned, and what is expected.

Many things.... How I act is a big one. Reminding myself that what I do and say to others, how I behave in front of others... it is all a direct reflection of him. I like to pride myself on being all prim and proper, but I'm not... I have quite a trashy mouth from time to time and a short fuse when it comes to being patient. Some things have gotten better. I am much much more polite. I remember all my pleases and thank yous. My sirs and maams. I even get complicated rather frequently for being so sweet and polite. Sir has access to all my "electronic communications" with others. I am ok with it, I don't really question it ever. I was thinking earlier about a little "rant session" I went on with someone the other day, and to think about my language and my behavior when that was going on, I'm now somewhat embarrassed. Knowing Sir has read through it by now, he hasn't addressed it... I am not sure he will. I think sometimes he waits for me to realize things myself. It's part of the learning process. So, this is an awareness for me now... It has become so natural that he reads and has access to those things, that I don't give it much thought. I need to be giving it much thought! He expects me to act and speak a certain way... that is even when he is not physically present.

Speaking of speak! Certain things I have to say...some things I cannot say. I'm sure we all have our lists....

Not Permitted:
Sure / Ok / Whatever / Nevermind / But /
Name calling...even in jest its touchy
Sighs and all other forms of huffs or temper tantrums

Mandatory:
Yes, Sir / No, Sir / May I please, Sir

I think Sir has a completely different perception of things conversations. Sometimes I never even realize I'm doing or saying something permitted or otherwise... so quick to point it out, he is. It's normally a slap myself in the forehead moment, because I know - I know better. He calls it pulling me up short... I call him mean. That never goes over well, in fact it is always followed by a "do you want me to show you mean?" Or a "do you want to see what will happen if... ?" I know how to answer those questions - No, Sir - hehe.

My daily tasks are a little easier to remember because, well, I do them every day. Getting them done never seems to be the issue... the quality of them, however is. A most recently learned lesson and expectation. I have to put thought and care and effort into all of them because they have a purpose.... they aren't just busy work. He explained to me his thought behind all of them and why he requests what he does and it helped me to take more pride in what I am doing for him.

It's not just about what you say or how you act... the reminders involve lessons too... Normally long, drawn out conversations or punishments. Despite all that is said there seems to be one set of words that will always ring out.... that always remain floating in my head (or down on paper). Big ones for me have been the "you are lacking" lesson and the "I will not take what is his" lesson. I think that its odd how such small words resonate so loudly in my mind. They have such a strong effect on me personally in how I act, the way I handle things going forward. They roll off of Sir's tongue with such ease and serenity and my jaw hits the floor a ton of bricks. But that's how it always is, he is the calm in my storm. The rational one during my panic. His control is what grounds me and keeps me steady.

They are all important lessons, important expectations and rules....Whatever I need to do in order to remember them, I will do it. Notes on paper or events on the calendar... whatever it takes.