waiting my turn...

I sit and wait mostly patient (I say mostly because I know I give Sir a run for his money sometimes) for my turn. When he decides he will pay me attention or take advantage. The waiting is the hard part. I spend all this time making sure I am readily available for whatever he decides he will need and whenever that will be. Studying, reading, writing, watching, listening, learning... aching for that moment when it will pay off.

Sir has been pretty busy lately. I asked earlier why it seems the time he chooses to allow it to effect mostly effects me over others... he says it effects everyone. I think sometimes he pushes me though. I cannot tell if it is because he does not know how to handle my struggling with it, or because he enjoys watching me squirm. He does always do his best to reassure me that he still needs me....even when he's not directly "using" me... I think under other circumstances... perhaps in the past... had I thought something like that I would probably question the type of relationship I was in....

The fact of the matter is, this relationship I'm in... I knew what it was... I agreed to it and accepted it. I want those things...I need those things... I love Sir with all my heart and I know he loves me. I live for the moments where he needs me to do something for him - whatever it is... I want him to take advantage of me, use me, take me.... when he can do those things... when he does those things... I feel fulfilled. I feel it is my purpose, my reason, my place. I miss them when they aren't there....

So I wait... patiently... for my turn...