Control

Task for Sir as we work through some struggles I have been having.... I would be open to feedback on something from anyone who is reading this. I've been trying to explain how I feel to Sir when I am not being taken advantage of, controlled, directed. Sir made a comment last night that he cannot always be giving me direction and I know this is true, however it was not the point I was trying to make. I don't know how to explain it to him and he is trying desperately to understand. I don't need to be receiving direction 24/7 in order to feel the control he has, but when control is not there I get into a bad place. I'm trying to find a way to explain to him what I need but havent been able to find the words.

I mean, it can be the simplest thing... such as giving me a command - something he doesnt even think about to do. There are things and an attitude that exhibit who has the control, that put me in my place....small things... things that don't require constant attention. Sometimes yes that involves giving specific direction or tasks.... but not always. I wish I could find the words to explain because I really dont like feeling this way and it's taking a negative toll on the both of us....any feedback here would be greatly appreciated... what do you do when you are having a problem communicating something to your Sir? How do you explain a "feeling"? =/

With Control:

• free
• protected
• loved
• cherished
• safe
• sense of purpose
• in my place

Without Control:

• unimportant
• not needed
• lost
• ornery
• alone
• unmotivated
• sassy
• scared

how it started...

I wrote this along time ago, when I made a decision and an agreement with Sir to be his. I needed to read it today because I needed to remember why this is what I want...

I wanted to spend some time this morning reflecting on the path I'm walking down and the reasons behind it. I want this to serve as a reminder for myself if I loose sight of what I believe to be what I truly desire. I consider myself a strong and independent woman. I am good at what I do in business and I have a very demanding drive for myself. Ive come to feel that its because of thisthat my need or want is to submit to someone else whom I trust when I'm not in that roll. I would say I have power in my 40+ hour work weeks every 52 of them in the year. It is nice to experience powerlessness at the hands of someone else. At first I had a hard time seeing myself in the same light he did. I was believing myself to be far from submissive. I think the misconception with those of us who are deemed "vanilla" is that a submissive person is seen as someone weak. I always thought to myself then I wouldn't submit to anything. In fact Id fight tooth and nail in order to be the best at what I do and the strongest. That in and of itself is the misconception. Its more so a person being submissive to another. Which, by the way, I now feel to be very brave and far from weak. I wouldn't see myself doing the things he asks or could ask of me for anyone else. I choose to relinquish that power/control specifically to him. Little did I know at the time what I thought far to be submissive in nature could very well be why I am comfortable with being submissive to him. I still want to be the good little girl when he asks me to do something for him. Its not far from yearning for appreciation or acknowledgement from a professor or supervisor. However it is different. It's different in the feeling that its like a vacation. I'm very high strung and anyone who knows me will agree.. I go full speed ahead at 100mph all the time. When he is around me, I slow down. I rely on him to lead me, to decide for me, to take care of me. Slowly and surely every wall and every defense I've built up around me falls away. That feeling of a loss of control is and of itself not only erotic in nature to me, but also very invigorating. It's like a vacation from my everyday stress and worries. It refreshes me for the next day and the next moment. The idea of going home every night to that type of relationship is very soothing to me. It's something I long for immensely.

I'm still a student in this lifestyle. I know Ive barely even scratched the surface with the possibilities. I cannot see myself pursuing these desires with anyone else at this point. I'm not saying that I should. I just feel that when we started these conversations and he began to explain his preferences to me that was a journey I embarked on that I'm not ready to let go of. I know what I want. That's not it. Reading over this it sounds like my only interest in Sir is what he can teach me. In fact Ive said very little about what draws me to him. As I reflect though it is his characteristics as a Dominant that are what truly draw me to him. I like who I am when I am with him and it speaks volumes to me. I feel like he knows me, and what he doesn't know of me he really wants to. I feel cherished and loved by his words and actions. hehe... I think of a way to put this into words and you always hear about the "trophy wife"... Well I mean essentially that's how he makes me feel which I guess would seem odd to most. I like the idea of being the good little girl that hes proud of and one that he can show off. In order to get that appreciation and approval though I have to please him. When I'm with him I can be myself. I can cry, I can laugh, I can struggle... he doesn't judge me. He's patient and kind and he has a way of making me comfortable with pretty much everything. I think I still have more I need to trust him with. I don't think I've really let go of all the walls and all the defenses, but I'm learning and he's teaching. The more I come to realize that I can rely on him for anything, the more I rely on him. It's these things that led me to fall in love with him. I don't think that makes me shallow. I think if everyone can find someone that they can truly trust all of themselves to, no matter the demons, that we would all be very lucky people. I just think in this case, the reason I've been able to follow this road is because of his lifestyle. I think if it wasn't because of that, then he would not have been able to truly show me myself and the connection wouldn't necessarily be as strong. We've always flirted and had that chemistry, but its because of the communication and the guidance that we have and hes shown me that's taken it to the next level.

waiting my turn...

I sit and wait mostly patient (I say mostly because I know I give Sir a run for his money sometimes) for my turn. When he decides he will pay me attention or take advantage. The waiting is the hard part. I spend all this time making sure I am readily available for whatever he decides he will need and whenever that will be. Studying, reading, writing, watching, listening, learning... aching for that moment when it will pay off.

Sir has been pretty busy lately. I asked earlier why it seems the time he chooses to allow it to effect mostly effects me over others... he says it effects everyone. I think sometimes he pushes me though. I cannot tell if it is because he does not know how to handle my struggling with it, or because he enjoys watching me squirm. He does always do his best to reassure me that he still needs me....even when he's not directly "using" me... I think under other circumstances... perhaps in the past... had I thought something like that I would probably question the type of relationship I was in....

The fact of the matter is, this relationship I'm in... I knew what it was... I agreed to it and accepted it. I want those things...I need those things... I love Sir with all my heart and I know he loves me. I live for the moments where he needs me to do something for him - whatever it is... I want him to take advantage of me, use me, take me.... when he can do those things... when he does those things... I feel fulfilled. I feel it is my purpose, my reason, my place. I miss them when they aren't there....

So I wait... patiently... for my turn...

Insecurities

I will often go back and read something I've written to Sir or for Sir. Sometimes if I read back over something I've written while I was angry or upset and I will be surprised at how I acted. Other times Ill look back over something I had studied and then wrote about.... Below is an older assignment I had.

I reread this today because I felt like I was once again letting my own lack of confidence and insecurities step in between Sir and I. The time it took to reflect did help a bit, it reminded me of how I felt after doing the task and study and focused me a little more... which I think is something I needed at this moment.

I find myself needing to read and understand on a regular basis now. I think in some way it enables me to feel closer to him while hes unavailable or away... I also ordered the book to follow this one. It should be here just after thanksgiving so i need to get caught up on my reading as I am anxious to begin the fiction that's on its way.

Today's chapter was on scenes and how they work and the thought that goes into them.. One of my favorites I read today was a fantasy scene that the author did with his submissive. It was an induction into a coven of witches. The sensory aspects of this particular scene sent chills through me even as an outside observer. The intense thought and preparation put into the scene by her Master was overwhelming...The music, the odors, the different voices... it's incredible how much care goes into these types of things. It takes a lot of concern away mainly because the extent to which her Master went through for his subs is very reassuring about their feelings for one another.

I also learned today that my insecurities about the lifestyle are not abnormal. The author wrote that submissives often need to be reassured as to their inherent worth, especially after a particularly intense scene. The author also mentioned that submissives will often be reluctant to say anything that can be taken as criticism even when asked, but by eliciting negative comments or feelings from the submissive and welcoming them in an adult manner it would do much to build the self worth of the sub and their opinion of their Master.

He corrected me the other night in what I was saying because he felt I was saying what he wanted to hear instead of how I really felt... I often fear giving the wrong answer to a question asked, while in that particular situation I was trying to be as honest as possible i can say that this often crosses my mind. What is the right answer? What if he does not like what I have to say? i must learn to be more honest with myself and him so that we both can learn from the situation and grow on it. I would not want my insecurities to adversely effect the progress that we could make as a couple....

Collared

I was out tonight with some friends, Sir excluded as he was busy with his own plans... Anyways, our server was wearing this beaded choker type thing around her neck with a heart shaped name tag on it...like the kind you get in the pet store... and the word "girl". Jealous I was.... not just that she was owned, but also her ability to wear it out and about around others.

It's hard for me to see what others have. I have a bad habit on focusing on what I don't have and not enough on what I do have. Sir has corrected me many times before. He says I need to focus more on the solution and less on the problem. He is right, but wearing his collar is something he's considered before, yet not something I have been privileged enough to earn. I know its not something to be taken lightly.

I don't know why it is so important to me, but well yes I do... Just when sir first mentioned he was considering it, I was caught off guard to know he thought that way. I am really hard on myself... sometimes too hard and the behavior and feelings that result because of that are always corrected. I just didn't expect to hear him say that at that point. It was something I had always looked forward to, hoped would happen, etc... Then it was followed up with a "Just considering" comment and mentioned how he still had a concern with it.

I try really hard to do right by Sir, and he says that under the circumstance I do really well. I try not to let other's experience get me down, but sometimes I get envious or jealous of the situations or interactions of other subs with their dom/mes. I guess I'm just looking forward to the day when Sir decides I'm ready to wear his collar.

Time

It's a valuable thing. Something I cherish whenever I get it. This is something I've been struggling with as of late. Sir has been being so patient with it, with me. He is making more efforts to include me in time he is spending with others. In doing so for me, I have done the same for him. Even though it pans out to only be a few more minutes here or there and a couple extra phone calls, it's not about the time, it's about feeling like I'm involved in more of his life than just what I am to him alone.

The more obstacles we overcome, the more communication we have, the more we open up to each other... it becomes more reassuring to me that this is right. It's hard work all the time. Easily the most time intensive and detail oriented relationship I have been a part of. Moments like this when I realize how the hard work on a particular situation has paid of, makes it worth it. makes all of the tears and hours of communication and struggling worth it. I look back now on how badly I wanted to run away or shut down during that time and I end up being really glad that Sir pushed me as hard as he did to hang in there and fight for it.

Misconceptions

I hate when I am around someone and they say something off key about the lifestyle. It doesn't have to be that they are wrong, just that they say something that isn't entirely right or they just don't get what they are saying. I'm of the mind that if you just don't get it then you should keep your mouth shut instead of spouting off some incessant bullshit and try to sound like you know what you are talking about. Not only are you making a fool of yourself to anyone who really understands what you are talking about, you are just being naive.

Someone very close to me judged "people like that" tonight and when I say very close.... grrrr I mean very close. It's upsetting to say the least. I mean, I expect to hear it from time to time from random people... people I don't know, but when I'm being judged by friends or family for my choices... it's a completely different feeling.

I know that they don't realize it's me they are insulting with their snide comments or remarks, but it just goes to show that you should always watch what you say because you don't know how it will effect the people around you... the people you supposedly care about.

133

That's what time it is... 1:33 AM. I cannot sleep. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm overthinking as usual. I did well today. Sir said so =) I did not dwell so long that thoughts imploded inside of me. I came to Sir and I told him I needed time to discuss and he made it right away, though I wasn't asking for this. Startled and caught offguard of course, I was thinking I would have some time to work up the nerves, haha funny! Speak! So I began trying to explain how my thoughts take over.

I have this funny thing that happens in my head where something is going on in my mind that should not be and I'm telling myself, "Self, that's not yours to decided" or "you know better than that and you know your place". YES! Yes I do so stop stop stop get out of my head. Gah he said tell him specifically the thoughts! Oh geez, but he could have been so mad for hearing what was going on in there... *gulp* then the one word..... "girl" and I just spilled my guts... hehe

Time to change things he says, the expectation is there now, but Sir I was trying. And he knows and he explains why and he reassures me it is not punishment. So much more to talk about, but it felt good tonight that he recognized the progress. I brought the issues to him within 24 hours which is so very new. The struggles... they are nothing specific. They are insecurities. I don't know the trigger I just know how it makes me feel... YUCK!

It's the transition between girl and woman. I spent years and years learning to hide the self hurting and the feelings and thoughts in my mind. I learned and taught myself how to act... now, that's all being undone. I feel safe when I'm in his presence and that's the only time. Outside of that bubble, people are judging... things can happen... I'm not protected... he's not there. Severe abandonment issues... the minutes away are soooo draining. Luckily it is not a constant thing... comes and goes... but still no idea on the trigger. We are going to talk more about it after the long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Sir tries so hard and he says straight out he doesn't have the answer, but he stands by me and he loves me, because I'm his little girl.

Sir

Talking with Sir this afternoon, and I mentioned not having decided yet what I would write about. He was making a funny, but of course I ducked and missed it, and he said I should write about him. I said... hmmm... Well I always kind of write about you. After he pointed out he was making a funny I kind of chuckled but then had an idea to write about him anyways. Why he is important to me, why I love him, how we came to be, and all that other gushy stuff. I mean yes of course I'm almost always writing about him. That's generally because of the type of writing he requires of me is to reflect upon events or things that have happened because he believes it helps me.

So anyways, it's like one of those things that you take for granted because its there every day. When I started this journey and this relationship with Sir. I knew absolutely nothing about the lifestyle. We were friends for a longggggg time before anything romantic. You know there's always that playful flirting that people do when there's chemistry but our friendship was strictly platonic.... One day we started talking more in depth about our current and past relationships with people and he opened up to me about the type of lifestyle he prefers to live. I think he must have really trusted me and been extremely comfortable with me to do this. Of course at first I didn't get all the juicy details, just the dynamic and what it meant. I think until then that I didn't realize that BDSM could even reach beyond just bedroom play.

Sir tried to show how his traits even in a vanilla dynamic shined through in the way he interacted with me on our current, playfully flirting platform. There were times when, I will say... hmmm I was overly intoxicated and doing this - not normally a good idea for a 20something girl to do - walking through the crowded streets of a city in the middle of the night drinking =) Straying from the group... such a naughty girl I was. Yet Sir was their, lurking in the shadows I say, watching over me =) He also tried to explain to me things he saw in me. Traits he says make me who I am, that I've tended to push back into the dark corners of my mind. I'm grateful of that conversation nearly every day... When I think about how I can't do this, or it's too difficult to do this, that particular conversation and day is something I like to play through in my head over and over again. That day, nearly 2 years gone now, is still fresh in my memory like so many of the conversations we've had.

I like to think I've come a long way since then. Sir seems to think so too. One think I can count on is the growth. Sir is the best teacher, he is kind and patient. Even when correcting behavior he is reasonable. He is always calm. In that eerie "I wish you would get angry" way. He has never raised his voice to me. Now I will say, sometimes my tongue gets the best of me and he will often try to correct THAT behavior in his "I'm a cool, calm, collected Dom" voice - which doesn't work - and need to speak over me blurting out my full name... talk about pulling me up short =) Another thing I can always count on him to do. Easy NOT to make a mistake when he is around... there's that line I can begin walking and then Sir always grounds me with that warning... the way his voice changes ever so slightly that says he means business =)

Even when we are apart, I can feel his presence, always there, always in my mind, always protecting me. It's not an easy place to stay. A lot of times I wish I could just run away and hide, but there is something about Sir knowing me they way he does. Knowing every inch of me, inside and out. I think when it began it was hard to understand. It was hard to get used to him always being in my head. Sometimes it still is, but usually.... now it is the most incredibly wonderful place. I don't have to worry about anything other than just this one thing... To be known so well, better than you know yourself really... it's a very protected feeling...

Things are never always perfect. There are good days and there are bad. Just like with any relationship. We have our hardships and we both have moments where we mess things up. Sir always puts the pieces back together. It takes time, and it's more intensive than just apologizing and moving on. But, Sir is dedicated. He is dedicated to me and our relationship and he wants us to succeed. I think he has a hard time with me... I don't think I make things easy on him. I try to do right by him. I try to do right by us and I do know my place. But I definitely do not make things even. I can be the most stubborn of a brat and oh do i like to run. Good thing he keeps a short leash around. ;)

His persistence and his dedication to our relationship is why I love him most. I know he does not take me for granted or the things I do for him. It is so easy to love him seeing how much he loves me. I would gladly stay balled up at his feet for ever and ever if he would let me. I would wait for hours, days, weeks, months for him to just use me once...even if it was only for a fraction of the time I had waited. I've never been loved the way he loves me. I've never known someone to believe so much in me. I've never before ever met a man like him. I'm so proud to be his, that is the most important thing to me.

Another.... Punishment?

Hehehehehe.... was looking at this and realized I haven't had a public writing session since Tuesday! Oh nos... Well indicative of my last post, my mood was in a pretty off place... My writing has been private due to that fact and having to work through those emotions and feelings with Sir.... Finally managed to get the presentation right to him on like Thursday. It took 2 days and many many conversations to be had...But its good now and that's really all that matters. Yesterday morning I had to reflect on what I thought triggered me going into that space...Sir thinks a good place for me to do this, obviously, is on my knees. Just focuses my mind into the right frame set. A lot comes of those moments and it definitely reminds me of my place.

And, As always Sir leaves on Friday for his weekends out of town. Given tasks to complete in his absence, such a wonderful feeling because it makes me feel close to him even though hes out of reach... *Pout* I can do that right now cause hes not looking... =P But last night I had a bit of a set back....

There's this man... he comes into work every now and then... obviously a Dom. The first time he came in I told Sir about him because it struck me as odd behavior.... all the specific things he asked me to do for him that no one ever does. Sir said he was putting me through the paces... he came in a few times after that... I had strict directions by then as to how to handle Mr. Mysterious... "I'm unable to provide you service, but soandso can help you and then excuse myself to make a phone call." This worked, I think he got the picture a few times later... very persistent I say... Sir had me tweak words around and say them how any Dom would understand. I would have gladly screamed my status to the world and Mr mysterious any given day, but I would have to agree that work isn't necessarily the most appropriate place for that... *giggles*

Needless to say, Mr mysterious still comes in and hes gotten less pushy about me "serving" him and more friendly etc... Well last night he came in and I blindly provided "service" to him and did not call Sir per my instructions due to him being out of town and us being extremely busy at the time... Sir was not pleased.... Not pleased... kind of an understatement. You get those moments, where you say... "are you mad at me, Sir"? and then he goes "no, but I am not pleased." and at that moment.. I wished he had just been mad... being displeased is soooooooo much worse! Gah my heart melted and everything else along with it...

Today he asked how I was when we spoke this morning... I was honest, Okay but still a little down about last night. Sir is considering tasks... Take a picture of the man, to have Sir post it somewhere I have to see it daily and reflect on it... and write about it... for a week. I asked why the punishment, but he said its not a punishment... its a reminder. I don't know how I feel about this...I mean I understand why it is important. The man had an expectation, it had been made clear that I was taken, it had been made clear what my directions were. Now I didn't follow that direction... because of who he is, he will recognize that. I understand why Sir feels this is so serious but the whole thing makes me feel very uneasy... I'm very nervous about what he will decide and how the reminder will make me feel. I mean I already feel really bad and quite stupid about the mistake I made and its hard and a reminder even without that man's picture looming over me.... =/ Until I know what Sir chooses to do though, I must accept responsibility for my actions and try not to fret about what may happen... I should save those thoughts for my writing and reflection later if it becomes a task!

grrrrrrr day

Today is one of those days when finding a topic to write about is proving quite difficult. I'm feeling quite pouty and ornery. Saying no is bad but I still did it this morning. I believe Sir's response was "I don't care". We have an ongoing... well I would say joke but what makes it so amusing is its truth. 2 little words for me to say "Jack" and "Shit" because that's really what my opinion means. I know he hears me and my opinion when it matters, but when it doesn't matter is when he's given direction in regards to something or has already told me how it will be. Sometimes he will say something and I will take that breath in to disagree and stop. Well Sir wouldn't be Sir if he didn't know when something was in my head and will often ask what. My response to that request is typically jack shit... and then he knows I was going to say something out of line. Oh yea, and then that chuckle... the one that makes my skin tingle...

Being ornery is bad, I get in a mood where I don't want to do. Then when I realize I am merely prolonging the inevitable I get pouty. None of which are effective tactics to use on Sir as he has a sadistic streak. It doesn't work on him and is generally followed by that same, deep, hearty chuckle. Grrrrrr.... stubborn, ornery, little girl. I say things, mean things and Sir has accused me of manipulating, when in this mood, for things I want. I want attention, but he will say its nice to want things... Sad and alone is how I'm feeling, is that why the mood? I don't know where it comes from....just that its from deep inside and it makes me just want to sleep....and pout =(

Unnerving

The past couple days have been a wonderful experience. Ive already blogged regarding Monday and yesterday was no different. Sir had requested that I continue not to cum. He had me play again in the morning, but not finish of course. Then I was sent to work with Duotone Orgasm Balls... Normally they are more suited for a night out dancing or a concert, but because of the type of work I would be doing yesterday and the exercises he required of me while I was at work they proved to be of much use there as well. Then when I had gotten home Sir gave me permission to remove them and play. I said play? to the edge again? No, he had given me permission to finish, but seeing as he was not there or taking part of it... I kind of nose-dived off the edge of this cliff I had been on for the previous 48 hours. I did not want to do it, and he did not make me.

Today I had, I guess what I would consider, a break.... Sir was unavailable to me, due to being sick and resting, I immediately had all of these thoughts pounding through my head. I did not wish to wake him because I knew he was not feeling well. The one thing pounding through my mind was that back when he gave me a "Clean Slate" he wanted to make sure that I understood that going forward anything I kept from him would be translated into time away from him twice the amount of how long it too me to bring my thoughts to Sir.

I still do not know where the thoughts came from, what caused them, or why. I just know that I was so afraid, afraid of Sir leaving. Ive come to depend very much on him and I truly love everything I am to him. I truly love Sir with every fiber of my being. I cannot imagine a world without him. I was inundated with thoughts of abandonment. Although, Sir has always said the only reason he will leave is if I betray him consciously on some level. I kept thinking he would leave just to leave, just because he grew tired of me or wished to move on to someone else. I was reaching the end of my rope when the phone rang. I literally ran to it and it was Sir.

I immediately burst into tears, Sir was worried and needed to know what was going on. I explained I had been struggling with whether or not to wake him because of the thoughts. So I told him the thoughts that had happened in my head. He reassured me over and over and over again. He explained that no one makes a decision without reason. Sir gave me examples from as random as how we decide we want to eat, or take a bath to why I had left previous relationships. Slowly and surely he calmed me down. As I reached a more rational level I began to feel foolish for having felt that way in the first place and then to come to him blubbering like a fool. But again, Sir reassured me, explaining I cannot help how I feel. He tried to help me identify where the feelings originated from, but we were unsuccessful.

It's an uneasy feeling to know my mentality could change so suddenly and without reason. However, I do feel better knowing that Sir was so easily able to ground me, and straighten things out again. He not once made me feel foolish or guilty for feeling the way I did and I think normally in that situation others have treated me as though I was crazy.

Favorite Things...

I was not really sure what I wanted to write about tonight, so I figured I would make a list of all the things Sir does that I love....

• When he makes extra time and surprises me with it
• When he refers to himself as Daddy
• When he says something he wants done short, simple, with no please in front.. ie call me, stand up, show me
• The way he says my whole name in that tone when I'm doing something wrong or he is correcting behavior
• When he calls me names under his breath so others wont hear... whether it be slut, baby girl, whore, little girl.... any of them really =)
• When I'm crying and blabbing so hard he cannot understand a word I'm saying but still manages to calm me down
• How he always takes the time to help me figure out how to deal with things I'm having a difficult time with
• The way he knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I want to eat, or how I feel

High Time...

Tonight Sir wished for me to masturbate in front of him. I should preface by saying that I am only allowed to masturbate when I ask for it or it is given to me as a task. Sometimes even if I do ask, I am told I am only allowed to play and I'm not given permission to finish. Often times when he says, "Yes, little girl, you can play.." My response is ... "and whats the catch?" Its always something. I cant say that I don't like that though, or I would be fibbing and Sir doesn't like that! ;)

So tonight, I was told what to do, how to do it. He tested me on many levels...my self control, my ability to take and understand his direction. At first when he said what he wanted... I was like no no no.... I do know I am not to tell him no, but as he pointed out we both knew I was merely prolonging the inevitable.. therefore what I was really saying was I was not ready...it didn't take long for me to get ready once he asked me if I was telling him no. Of course I would never do that!

It was so difficult... so exposed...soooooo nervous. He tried very hard to make it easier.... "Turn the vibrator on....hold it still on my clit.... " inside my mind is doing flips between Yay he called it his and oh no hes watching....several minutes passed "now move it up and down".... I don't normally do that... or do I...no I definitely don't. All being said out loud he reminded me he was in control and stated he knew what I did or did not normally do and he was giving me that direction for a reason....

So, I followed his every command to the very end when he gave me permission... "you can cum whenever you want now"... I was trying so hard not to before that my body kind of didn't know what to do.... I have a bad habit of forgetting to breathe here.... Sir knows that and as I was orgasming one of the most intense I've ever had "alone", I managed to nearly choke myself... but he calmed me down and told me to relax and he sat by and waited helping me catch my breath until I was completely calm... to tell me he was proud. =)

I was very blessed tonight! Not only was I given extra time with him this evening, something I had not planned on, but I was also allowed to do something that pleased Sir. I was rewarded too with something I had been asking for, for quite some time honestly. We did visit that because he wanted to point out I had learned an important lesson.

I do say a lot that I am spoiled. It is true... a lot of people in my life spoil me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. I don't want to say that Sir does not, but he does it in a different way... It's just different. Often I ask for things I don't need, merely want. Depending on what it is i am asking for, Sir decides whether to allow it or not. More times than not, it's not allowed. So tonight after receiving this wonderful gift... he asked me how much better it was that I had to wait for it... WOW! It was a small thing, but it was such a BIG DEAL to me that I had gotten it. That Sir had given it to me.

Giddy like a school girl, I sit here and spend the rest of my night. We spoke before he left of this mood it had all put me in. I want...the pictures flashing through my mind. His hands in my hair, around my wrists... his body leaning over me.... Longing for his taste...his smell.... I told him I felt I needed to be tied down to stay out of trouble tonight. To keep these hands from what is his between these legs.... "Possessed" I think I called myself. I can honestly say Ive never allowed myself to feel the way I do this evening. Another assignment before bed... bring his little slut to the edge and then stop... so I am still wet and yearning for Sir in the morning.

Slave

Sir and I had a long conversation the other night... I have mentioned before that there are things he can do or say to put me in my place. Caught off guard by a comment which seemed to have come from no where.... "do you want to be a slave girl?" Stuttering was not an option as he quickly reminded me that he was waiting for an answer. It led to this long conversation about what I wanted to be to him, what it meant to me, what his expectations where... I love our conversations like this. They can be about anything...today it was about objectifying, respect, and the difference between ignorance and confidence... These conversations... they are what make me feel like a little girl. It is like a trigger that goes off in my head that sends me directly to my bubble... Do not pass go... do not collect $200. It's my safe place... there, at his feet, where I belong. These are the good days....

La La Land...

Well a lot has been going on as of late. Time has been restricted due to holidays and family visiting. Time away from Sir drives me crazy and I tend to fall back into old ways... I think I have reached a point in our realtionship where he wants me to be more aware of the decisions I am making and to consider what he would want in doing so. I believe that what has happened is that I have become more and more dependant on his direction and that control that when I am not in his immediate care so to speak I tend to go into this like lala land where im kinda like derrrrr well what do I do now. I think the last thing any Dom/me would want would be for their sub to not be able to think or operate on their own. Sir has some ideas to help me develop that aspect of our relationship. I think the thing I need to remember is that this is all very new for me and Im going to struggle with some things. I need to rely on his guidance to help me through those things instead of letting them frustrate me.

I did get into some trouble over the holidays. Sir says that when I am struggling with things I start to try and take control back. This causes big problems! Im currently working on a 5 page punishment... =/ I have to write front and back "It is not my choice when I will hurt and I will not take what is his to give or take away from him again" I don't think that I realized how much writing that really ways before I started it. I had permission not to speak of it here, but I think that after having to relive it as many times as i did to complete the task Sir gave me as punishment has made me more comfortable. For as long as I can remember, I do recall doing things to hurt myself. It would start as biting and then I would start hitting myself or scratching myself. It escalated over the years into eating disorders and cutting, but when I first met Sir he made me promise not to do those things anymore. For the past year and a half or so now, I haven't. However I am facing a lot of different issues right now and the stress of it and him not being available to me has caused me to back slide now. This really bothers me a lot because I have fought so hard to stay away from those things that I dont want to fall into old addictions. I need something I can put that energy into to take those feelings away and I need to rely on Sir to provide it. Unfortunately, this is not something we have been able to figure out yet.