Observations...

Time... seems to be something I focus on a lot, something I bring up a lot...overrated, coincidental? It can be one of two things... I understand being busy, I try to respect Sir's time because its his to do with as he pleases. I wonder, if its so fine a line to walk. One thing has been lifted off of my Masters plate as of recently...I wonder if that could be the difference... or if its something much deeper...

I've been trying the past 2 weeks to get back into the grove of things... I was struggling with the ability to stay in my place without the guidance of Sir. Bad habits were surfacing and going without correction. I took it upon myself... maybe because I felt like I had turned blue expressing my opinion... which lets all be realistic, in some cases it's taken into account, but in others it really means jack... feeling like I had exhausted every single resource and feeling I had to make him understand - I was feeling neglected.... I gave up.

I felt like I couldn't win, like he couldnt see it my way...Interesting choice of words... my way. Maybe I forgot my purpose... so I reverted back to the things that I knew, that comforted me, the things I do for him. Day by day by day by day... rarely receiving acknowledgement. I felt like I was a little girl just looking for that pat on the head... those 2 words "good girl"... please notice me, please see me.... then yesterday.... he asked something of me. A new task, a new direction... the first in sooooooooooo long. I didn't even want to fight it...I didn't want to be shy... I just was eager to hear those words, "I want you to do something for me", I would have said Yes Sir before I even heard what it was at that point... just to have him ask, just to be able to give something....later, I heard what I had been longing for, for so long... "you did good girl"... *swoon* Blushing Im sure... I tried to play off how much it meant to me to hear that... but I think he knew.

So this transition, has made me think... did I learn a lesson here, is it mere conveinence of timing? When I am stronger... our relationship is stronger, more dynamic... I want to believe that I've learned something. I want to believe that things are going to get betternow because of it. A part of me does wonder though if its the coincidence. I guess the bottom line though is that if I want to have learned something in this, then I have done that regardless of timing or outside influences.

Thinking....

So, Sir has been very busy, so busy in fact, that I think it is wearing on him, not just physically but also emotionally. We have very little to no, in some cases , interation between one another beside casual exchanges of well wishes. I have of course explained to him how I feel about all of this and the toll that it is taking on our relationship. The expectation is that I trust him and what he says he wants. So, the struggle, becomes how to handle this while ommitting all normal reactions and feeling. I do trust him, and I've told him how I feel at this point, so its just a matter of waiting and accepting whatever decisions he makes regarding it.

I have been neglecting some of my required tasking and such because of how I feel lately regarding things. Maybe hoping for some type of reaction or punishment, anything at all that would remind me of my place and require attention from him... negative or positive. I dont know... it's very hard for me to feel that way and to want to serve when I have close to no contact with Sir. I do WANT to serve, suffer, task.... anything for him. But, its not my place to choose what those things consist of and with no direction from him, it prooves very difficult to remain in that mindset.

Grr.... but, I'm going to make an effort I suppose to do the things he once asked of me, and hope that it makes a difference... we shall see.

Still Here...

Been nearly a month since I've written, unfortunately there just has not been much going on to write about. Sir has been busy and handling his own concerns as of late. Busy with work and such he is. We are still doing ok, and I am hoping I will have more inspiration for my writing soon, unfortunately as of right now it just is not so. *pout*

Kneeling

If I want something or need something that I dont feel like I'm getting... my direction is to kneel for just 5 minutes in the corner and reflect on the difference and the best course of action for discussing it with Sir. If I want or need something and feel like being angry or pushy over it... the time spent kneeling doubles to 10 minutes and I must think about what reaction my pushing and demanding would have on Sir and my service to him. After kneeling I have to write to Sir to explain the trigger and the outcome of the session and then have a conversation with him regarding it.

For the first time since this new direction has been given, I had to kneel this morning. The time forced me to look at the situation from an outside perspective. Sir's perspective to be exact. Where he sees my place to be in every situation regardless of the content of it. So I took my time and I thought about what was upsetting me and why and if it was something.... hmm I dont want to say legitmate... I guess its the difference between want and need... and being able to separate the two. Having my discussion with Sir afterwards was not easy. He asks me to write alot because I tend to express myself better in written form... it's one of the reasons why I was it was requested that I start this blog. He still wanted the thoughts and details verbally and I didn't really want to discuss it. Of course that means... jack shit... =) So we did discuss....

By the end of the conversation I was crying.... not because I was hurt or upset. I just feel that lately I have been struggling so much with my submission to Sir and I hate it. It's so much work and none of it easy... My main fear is letting him down. His expectations and standards are very high for me, he says he sets them that way because he knows what I am capable of. Which of course is even more pressure. I really feel that the last 2 weeks have initiated a shift, or transition, in my service to Sir. It's just reached a different level really... not in a bad way at all. Just a deeper, more devoted, level of service.

New Direction

Sir will often remind me of our agreement... "do you remember the terms? you chose this, you agreed to this..." He thinks I forget sometimes... I am not his equal, no, not even close. A right I have is to bring my concerns to him, yes, but this does not put me on level playing ground with him. He takes what I have to say without a word and then politely asks me if I am done. Then it comes... the reminder... and then the direction.

Sometimes, I accept it, with a big hearty sigh... was I even heard? Sometimes, I get "pushy" as he calls it. Which does force his hand yes, but not in the way the little girl would prefer. It makes things worse of course. So I made the comment, "what am I supposed to just give unconditionally regardless of my own desires or wants?" Of course you are little girl....Grrrrr when I think I have made progress, when I think I get it, when I think I understand - that little voice in my head just comes right out and snap!

So much doubt races around me. I begin to question... Do I make Sir happy? Can I be everything he wants of me? Not my questions to ask.... not my decision to make.... He hasn't released me from his service, so there must be something. I want to be his star... the one who can do everything, provide everything, support him, submit to him... more than anyone else. So I have to remind myself that the others don't matter... that they dont belong to him. Sir cant take from them, use them, rely on them the way he does me... even if I'm last on this list... I'm still the one he calls baby girl and the only one who calls him Daddy at the end of the day.

So, how do I break down everything else, and just take pride and be content with that? That.... which is supposed to be everything to me. That which matters so much to me.... Reading over this you would think that I should realize, I already have everything I so much desire.