Expectation

I was tasked today with journaling about what I feel I needed to expect from Sir. The thoughts are below. These are things he has already given me, but that I would expect to continue on and on. Not once can I think of that he didn't do or went back on one of the items below. There are times where we have revisited them because I did not feel I was getting enough of something, and Sir was always respectful, calm, and rational about responding and addressing as long as I brought it to him in a respectful and calm way. This is not to say I always get my way, but I do appreciate that he takes the time to listen and try to make things better for both of us. For this I am greatful.

Honesty
I expect Sir to always be honest with me, even if he knows it will upset me. I want to know things, details, they help me to learn and understand.
Patience
I expect Sir to be patient with me, this does not mean give me free passes, but just be patient and kind and...
Understanding
I need Sir to be understanding of me, my actions, my feelings. To not get angry or bitter when I share, because it is difficult for me to do so.
Reliability
I want to be able to rely on Sir for anything and everything and trust he will be there, maybe not right away and ready to go, but to be there eventually and make an effort.
Control
I expect Sir to take control, to give direction, to give tasks. In doing so it makes me feel closer to him, that I am pleasing him, that I belong to him. It makes me feel safe.
Discipline
I expect Sir to set goals for me, I expect him to set expectations for me and hold me accountable when I do something wrong because it helps me to learn - it helps me to grow.
Respectful
I expect Sir to be respectful of me, my feelings, and my actions. To not judge me or belittle me in anyway.
Teacher
I expect Sir to be my mentor and teacher. To give me lessons, to challenge me to broaden my horizons. I expect him to push me beyond my limits so that I can learn and grow.

All of these things are important to me because of many different reasons. The most important thing to me is to know that I am pleasing Sir and these things help me to do that and to stay in my place, as it should be.

Lessons Learned

With being tasked to write every day, its very easy for me to feel as though I'm rambling on and on. Sometimes, I will ask what to write about. This was the case for todays post. Sir feels I learned an important lesson last night and that is what I reflected on today.

This is continuation with the issues that were addressed in a previous post. After having hashed out everything the previous night I was presented with some information from the same boy that he had been writing to me trying to respect my decisions but still get some things off of his chest. Sir was not home yet, and I read these emails anyways. I did not think at the time that it would bother him that I had done so, but I understand now he was concerned about me reading them when he wasn't readily available to support me if it was needed. I did not find this out until a little later.

When Sir got home, I was very worried to tell him what had happened, but something I am working on that is very important is not keeping things from him. I was told that if I keep something from him then once I do share with him that he will take twice as much time from me as it took me to share. Time without Sir is not something I ever look forward to. So instead of keeping it from him, I told him why I was worried about sharing. I was concerned that he would be upset and feared what his direction for me would be, or even what he himself may want to do and it was a delicate situation.

I was greeted with calm rationality. It was very reassuring. Sir heard everything I said and all of my concerns, not once did he get angry or upset. He did express, as I said above, that he wished that I had waited until he was home to read through them. Now, I understand why though I did not at the time...not once in all of my worrying and concern did I think that would be what upset Sir. It was not the content or the situation at all , but rather his feeling of needing to protect me which makes me feel most safe in his arms.

I learned that when I do things as I should, that Sir will be calm and rational. I learned that even if he does not like something, he will always do what he feels is best for all parties involved. I was reassured of my place with Sir. I also learned that it was easier for me to deal with. I did not have the stress of trying to wade through the issues on my own, nor did I have the worry of whether or not it was something I should be sharing with Sir. I waited and discussed with him the situation and the possibilities. This made things so very easy. I did not get upset, I did not cry, I did not feel down or depressed. The answers were there and given to me, and having Sir to support me makes it all so much easier.

I think that realizing my thoughts and my experiences - as they are -belong to Sir has been very difficult for me. I think it's easy to say, it's easy to tell myself, but to actually share myself with him is very difficult. I understand now why it was difficult when I have told him before that I did not trust him. As I continue on, this lesson will sit with me for some time, forever really, knowing that I can share something with him that could potentially anger him without it actually doing so is very reassuring and it makes it so much easier to want to give more to him.

Clean Slate

I've written about this topic on many occasions. I am learning and I am struggling with letting go.

Last night was an incredibly intense and almost ... dare I say... horrifying, but I think thats what it was. Sir had me face something that has been ongoing for over a year. My relationship with another boy and what it was and what it meant to me. I think very often I feel so ashamed by what I feel that I push it so deep down inside of me and I lie to myself about it. Unintentionally, by lying to myself, I was lying to Sir. He had me realize what my feelings were and drew them out of me last night and made me face them. He said he was not angry, but that he has known for a long time. I was soooo upset. I was disappointed in myself, and I was ashamed because I had hurt him. He told me to stop. Sir said that doing what I was doing was belittiling his opinions and lowering his value of me. This is not my place, but upon hearing those words I was even more livid with myself. Not by what I had done with the other boy, but because of my reaction. Because here Sir was, guiding me, trying to show me and wanting me to learn and grow from it and I beating myself into a pulp. He gave me a letter to read over and add my personal notes and feelings to that I was to send to the boy. My friendship with him is over now, I cannot go back. Sir believes this is best for me and us and so it will be. I feel better about it today looking back, I know I disappointed him, but I also know I can make it up by learning from it and this will make Sir proud.

Before that conversation, I was told to read 2 entries by Spiral Submissive - "Dropping the D Word" and "Dependency". Sir asked me to reflect on both and explain how they made me feel. I told him that it sounded like me and he said he showed me because he did not want me to feel as though my thoughts were "so far out there". I then continued on to tell him of the struggles I have been having with sharing the thoughts. Sir said starting last night, that I would have a clean slate, but that if I cannot share with him that he cannot help me because he will not understand everything thats going on.

After the above conversation, I remember what we had talked about earlier and mumbled "clean slate". Sir asked if I was surprised to know that he had a reason for that knowing the conversation we were going to have later. I am often suprised by what is in his mind. Even to the point that now when I am surprised, Im not surprised thats the case!

Having the clean slate, I felt I needed to address something that had been weighing on my mind for sometime. I stated that I knew my place. To which Sir responded with his usual "as it should be". I brought up how I refer to him here and in my other writing. He did say yes and no that it pleased him, but that he would not discuss it now. Later he asked me how I wanted to address him... I was not sure... he asked me how I felt...and I told him, that I belong. Sir directed me to show that in my writing....

So here I am, writing about my clean slate and fresh start.... I have a lot of anxiety right now because I want to do well. Im feeling overwhelmingly vulnerable. I don't want to leave the house. I did not want Sir to leave me this morning. Feeling slightly abandoned I suppose and here I sit, writing, when I should be getting ready for my day....

Easy Silence

"Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me."

It's a song by the Dixie Chicks. Its how I feel about him, because whenever my world seems to be crashing down, he's there to catch the pieces. I love him and I love that he cares about me. I close my eyes and I can see him there, those baby blues, and I know from what he's saying and I can feel it.... the way he feels.

Over the years Ive gotten very good at running away from these things, but he does not let me run. He reminds me of my place.... "who tells you have done something wrong?" I knew what he was asking, but I was down and bitter and I said, "everyone it seems!" That was quickly corrected with a "don't forget your place girl" The fact is I didn't forget my place, I just wasn't focused on what he was asking....

I am not responsible for everything, and my job is not to make everyone happy. There is one thing and that is that I am pleasing him. He is going to help me to confront some issues tonight and I am hoping that it will finally address most of the things going on right now. Whenever he helps me things are better... I guess im trying to convince myself... I just want to be able to trust and rely and as I continue to struggle with that I am disappointed in myself, yet he is proud... proud of the progress and i need to remember that always and foremost... he is proud.

Random Thoughts...

He needed to go, my sleepy Sir, and he asked me if I was okay with it. Normally I would just say Yes, but this time I did say exactly what was on my mind. I said Yes & No. Because although I did understand he was tired and simply cannot help that, I was also disappointed. I wanted him to know that I was going to miss him and that it did matter to me that he was leaving. He kept apologizing and it was not my intention to summons apologies from him in exchange for my truth. I just did not want to be anything but truthful. I made the comment that tonight was the last night we would have, and he corrected me, rightfully so, by saying the last night this week. I understand this to be a truth as well, but I dont think it makes the situation any less painful. He tried to explain the time I would have tomorrow, but I did not wish to consider it at the time because I tend to focus on the negative and what time I was being given, was followed by a not long. I just do not do well with the farewells I suppose especially when it involves J or hmmmm the trip did not bother me this weekend, so perhaps he has found a way to comfort me with that....

On Friday, I had my task of bringing myself to near orgasm 4 times through mastrubation, taking 10 minutes of rest between, and only allowing myself to orgasm on the 5th time, with his permission. This was a hefty task and my back hurt when all was said and done, but when I was done he had told me he was proud... he called me his little slut... and told me someone else would have to take care of his cock now since I would not be there. This did two things.... the thought of another woman tending to his cock was quite the turn on.... then he said he would be thinking of me.... yet another turn on.... Also, it reminded me of my place... and made me yearn to be there. Which is very good under the current conditions... So today I asked him about her and what she did... It turned me on again ;) Gosh I feel so dirty sometimes =P

Tonight has been a long night, and relationships are wearing on me... there is a lot going on and I know not how to deal with it. This week is going to be very difficult... and next week with the holidays there will be a lot to face that until now I had been able to put off. I wish he was here right now to listen and to hold me and tell me how to fix it all... but hes not....and I will have to wait, but I know he will help me when he can.