Unnerving

The past couple days have been a wonderful experience. Ive already blogged regarding Monday and yesterday was no different. Sir had requested that I continue not to cum. He had me play again in the morning, but not finish of course. Then I was sent to work with Duotone Orgasm Balls... Normally they are more suited for a night out dancing or a concert, but because of the type of work I would be doing yesterday and the exercises he required of me while I was at work they proved to be of much use there as well. Then when I had gotten home Sir gave me permission to remove them and play. I said play? to the edge again? No, he had given me permission to finish, but seeing as he was not there or taking part of it... I kind of nose-dived off the edge of this cliff I had been on for the previous 48 hours. I did not want to do it, and he did not make me.

Today I had, I guess what I would consider, a break.... Sir was unavailable to me, due to being sick and resting, I immediately had all of these thoughts pounding through my head. I did not wish to wake him because I knew he was not feeling well. The one thing pounding through my mind was that back when he gave me a "Clean Slate" he wanted to make sure that I understood that going forward anything I kept from him would be translated into time away from him twice the amount of how long it too me to bring my thoughts to Sir.

I still do not know where the thoughts came from, what caused them, or why. I just know that I was so afraid, afraid of Sir leaving. Ive come to depend very much on him and I truly love everything I am to him. I truly love Sir with every fiber of my being. I cannot imagine a world without him. I was inundated with thoughts of abandonment. Although, Sir has always said the only reason he will leave is if I betray him consciously on some level. I kept thinking he would leave just to leave, just because he grew tired of me or wished to move on to someone else. I was reaching the end of my rope when the phone rang. I literally ran to it and it was Sir.

I immediately burst into tears, Sir was worried and needed to know what was going on. I explained I had been struggling with whether or not to wake him because of the thoughts. So I told him the thoughts that had happened in my head. He reassured me over and over and over again. He explained that no one makes a decision without reason. Sir gave me examples from as random as how we decide we want to eat, or take a bath to why I had left previous relationships. Slowly and surely he calmed me down. As I reached a more rational level I began to feel foolish for having felt that way in the first place and then to come to him blubbering like a fool. But again, Sir reassured me, explaining I cannot help how I feel. He tried to help me identify where the feelings originated from, but we were unsuccessful.

It's an uneasy feeling to know my mentality could change so suddenly and without reason. However, I do feel better knowing that Sir was so easily able to ground me, and straighten things out again. He not once made me feel foolish or guilty for feeling the way I did and I think normally in that situation others have treated me as though I was crazy.

Favorite Things...

I was not really sure what I wanted to write about tonight, so I figured I would make a list of all the things Sir does that I love....

• When he makes extra time and surprises me with it
• When he refers to himself as Daddy
• When he says something he wants done short, simple, with no please in front.. ie call me, stand up, show me
• The way he says my whole name in that tone when I'm doing something wrong or he is correcting behavior
• When he calls me names under his breath so others wont hear... whether it be slut, baby girl, whore, little girl.... any of them really =)
• When I'm crying and blabbing so hard he cannot understand a word I'm saying but still manages to calm me down
• How he always takes the time to help me figure out how to deal with things I'm having a difficult time with
• The way he knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I want to eat, or how I feel

High Time...

Tonight Sir wished for me to masturbate in front of him. I should preface by saying that I am only allowed to masturbate when I ask for it or it is given to me as a task. Sometimes even if I do ask, I am told I am only allowed to play and I'm not given permission to finish. Often times when he says, "Yes, little girl, you can play.." My response is ... "and whats the catch?" Its always something. I cant say that I don't like that though, or I would be fibbing and Sir doesn't like that! ;)

So tonight, I was told what to do, how to do it. He tested me on many levels...my self control, my ability to take and understand his direction. At first when he said what he wanted... I was like no no no.... I do know I am not to tell him no, but as he pointed out we both knew I was merely prolonging the inevitable.. therefore what I was really saying was I was not ready...it didn't take long for me to get ready once he asked me if I was telling him no. Of course I would never do that!

It was so difficult... so exposed...soooooo nervous. He tried very hard to make it easier.... "Turn the vibrator on....hold it still on my clit.... " inside my mind is doing flips between Yay he called it his and oh no hes watching....several minutes passed "now move it up and down".... I don't normally do that... or do I...no I definitely don't. All being said out loud he reminded me he was in control and stated he knew what I did or did not normally do and he was giving me that direction for a reason....

So, I followed his every command to the very end when he gave me permission... "you can cum whenever you want now"... I was trying so hard not to before that my body kind of didn't know what to do.... I have a bad habit of forgetting to breathe here.... Sir knows that and as I was orgasming one of the most intense I've ever had "alone", I managed to nearly choke myself... but he calmed me down and told me to relax and he sat by and waited helping me catch my breath until I was completely calm... to tell me he was proud. =)

I was very blessed tonight! Not only was I given extra time with him this evening, something I had not planned on, but I was also allowed to do something that pleased Sir. I was rewarded too with something I had been asking for, for quite some time honestly. We did visit that because he wanted to point out I had learned an important lesson.

I do say a lot that I am spoiled. It is true... a lot of people in my life spoil me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. I don't want to say that Sir does not, but he does it in a different way... It's just different. Often I ask for things I don't need, merely want. Depending on what it is i am asking for, Sir decides whether to allow it or not. More times than not, it's not allowed. So tonight after receiving this wonderful gift... he asked me how much better it was that I had to wait for it... WOW! It was a small thing, but it was such a BIG DEAL to me that I had gotten it. That Sir had given it to me.

Giddy like a school girl, I sit here and spend the rest of my night. We spoke before he left of this mood it had all put me in. I want...the pictures flashing through my mind. His hands in my hair, around my wrists... his body leaning over me.... Longing for his taste...his smell.... I told him I felt I needed to be tied down to stay out of trouble tonight. To keep these hands from what is his between these legs.... "Possessed" I think I called myself. I can honestly say Ive never allowed myself to feel the way I do this evening. Another assignment before bed... bring his little slut to the edge and then stop... so I am still wet and yearning for Sir in the morning.

Slave

Sir and I had a long conversation the other night... I have mentioned before that there are things he can do or say to put me in my place. Caught off guard by a comment which seemed to have come from no where.... "do you want to be a slave girl?" Stuttering was not an option as he quickly reminded me that he was waiting for an answer. It led to this long conversation about what I wanted to be to him, what it meant to me, what his expectations where... I love our conversations like this. They can be about anything...today it was about objectifying, respect, and the difference between ignorance and confidence... These conversations... they are what make me feel like a little girl. It is like a trigger that goes off in my head that sends me directly to my bubble... Do not pass go... do not collect $200. It's my safe place... there, at his feet, where I belong. These are the good days....

La La Land...

Well a lot has been going on as of late. Time has been restricted due to holidays and family visiting. Time away from Sir drives me crazy and I tend to fall back into old ways... I think I have reached a point in our realtionship where he wants me to be more aware of the decisions I am making and to consider what he would want in doing so. I believe that what has happened is that I have become more and more dependant on his direction and that control that when I am not in his immediate care so to speak I tend to go into this like lala land where im kinda like derrrrr well what do I do now. I think the last thing any Dom/me would want would be for their sub to not be able to think or operate on their own. Sir has some ideas to help me develop that aspect of our relationship. I think the thing I need to remember is that this is all very new for me and Im going to struggle with some things. I need to rely on his guidance to help me through those things instead of letting them frustrate me.

I did get into some trouble over the holidays. Sir says that when I am struggling with things I start to try and take control back. This causes big problems! Im currently working on a 5 page punishment... =/ I have to write front and back "It is not my choice when I will hurt and I will not take what is his to give or take away from him again" I don't think that I realized how much writing that really ways before I started it. I had permission not to speak of it here, but I think that after having to relive it as many times as i did to complete the task Sir gave me as punishment has made me more comfortable. For as long as I can remember, I do recall doing things to hurt myself. It would start as biting and then I would start hitting myself or scratching myself. It escalated over the years into eating disorders and cutting, but when I first met Sir he made me promise not to do those things anymore. For the past year and a half or so now, I haven't. However I am facing a lot of different issues right now and the stress of it and him not being available to me has caused me to back slide now. This really bothers me a lot because I have fought so hard to stay away from those things that I dont want to fall into old addictions. I need something I can put that energy into to take those feelings away and I need to rely on Sir to provide it. Unfortunately, this is not something we have been able to figure out yet.