Everytime I think I got this whole D/S thing understood something else happens and I fall deeper into it than I thought I could have been in the first place. Amazing, yes! Scary as hell... definitely ! I was talking with Sir about it last night and explaining.. he asked me how I felt about it and I was honest....
I mean, I just recently came to the realization that how I feel and what I want doesn't really matter. Now I dont mean he just dismisses my feelings. Sir does listen to them and consider them Im sure, but honestly it doesnt matter. He can take it into consideration but it doesnt mean anything. Deciphering between need and want is becoming increasingly more important. I want or I need....and I can't start it that way... "I want this, I need this...." Bad! Bad! Bad!
It's a little unnerving to let go of everything, kind of like I'm loosing a piece of myself. What's hard is remembering that it's not mine to hold onto. So, what are you left with? After you've been reprogrammed, broken down, and rebuilt? Sounds really bad, but I dont think I would trade it for anything else. I mean, I do struggle with it, but at the same time I'm proud that I can do those things for Sir. What makes it difficult is going through it alone...
Especially right now with all that we both have going on in our lives, time is very limited. I know he's always with me, guiding me, but not the same. I keep him close to me through that little ring. Acting as a reminder of who I belong to, where I should be, how I should act. It does make it easier to look down and see it there. However, a lot of times I do feel like I'm in limbo, I get into this place where I am going through things like this, these changes and hes not available. And it is something very new to me that I have a hard time coping with and dealing with at times. He has taken away a lot of my usual outlets, and then when hes not there on top of it.... it is easy to become resentful.
I think that having been able to realize all of this and take the next step will make our relationship stronger. I do believe it will make me stronger and things that I will hang onto now... well, ill hang onto remembering my place and that I am owned by him. That is what is important.
Adventurous
2 weeks ago
2 comments:
Hi sweet thing,
Thought i'd stop in and say hello, catch up and i'm glad i did. One of the bright spots of having a blog is the way that we rationalize and understand things (bdsm, rships, and ourselves) through the introspection that takes place when writing. It's like reality meets truth; paramount. i have read all the way up from where i left off and think you've made some very fine, valid points for yourself, your relationship, and all the things in-between.
Like you, i used to think i had *nothing* unless i was being used, but, if we erase this sense of time urgency, measuring minutes to hours to days, there is an unsaid service just in our hearts and mindspace; the proverbial invisible collar in our attitudes and acknowlegdement. i see you understanding this (though, it can be frustrating!!) and finding peace even in open spaces.
Particularly: "I do WANT to serve, suffer, task.... anything for him. But, its not my place to choose what those things consist of and with no direction from him, it prooves very difficult to remain in that mindset."
You are remaining in that mindset- i see it in the strikes of black on white. You are. Hang in there sweet pea :o)
Kudos!
toy
Thank you for your words, sometimes it is very relieving to see it from another's perspective!
lg
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