Baby Steps

Things are slowly returning to normal... the past couple days have been an emotional rollercoaster. Up and down and up and down. Discussion after discussion. I feel like things are shifting a bit. I'm not sure which direction they are going, but it is progress none the less. I was reading somewhere the other day and saw a comment made by someone that sometimes things need to fall apart just so they can be built back up differently, and hopefully better in this case...

I wouldnt say things have fallen apart, I dont really think they were close to either. I do think things have been fairly rocky for me at least. I dont know if Sir saw the same things effecting our relationship as I did, but now we both know and understand the issues, which makes it easier to deal with I suppose. Thats good at least. So now I just need to take my baby steps and see how things go. Slow and Steady...

I am greatful though. He's taken so much of everything Ive said in and really thought about it, digested it, and worked towards solutions..... it's definitely reassuring.

Something Light...

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."

~*~ Courtesy of Anais Nin ~*~

Stay...

I have not been writing here much... for a multitude of reasons really. A lot has been going on but at the same time, not much going on.... Sir has been very busy. He has filled his schedule with a lot of things because he doesnt like to be idle...It's good for him and it definitely helps him keep his spirits. He is a different person than he was when he had no plans, no commitments, and nothing to do... He's happier.... Unfortunately, it leaves less time for us... for me.

I made the comment to him the other day that it's funny how something that was so hard to build up seems to fragile and delicate. A steady balance of time, direction, desire, communication, emotion.... all resting on this little ledge, pressed against the wall, trying not to fall off....I've been feeling the pressure lately, as I sit idley by and wait... I've gotten a lot of helpful feedback from friends about what I can do and how it is important for me to remain emotionally and physically strong for Sir. That I need to be able to stand alone in his "presence" for when the time and direction is not there. Think and act on my own in his best interest... and I've been doing that quite well and he agrees, unfortunately I feel I reached the end of my rope... there just comes a time when you miss a person so much that it hurts... I miss my Daddy.

I miss his attention, I miss him needing things of me, I miss the way he makes me feel when he talks about me, when he says the things he wants to do, when he does the things that make me feel my place. I miss feeling whole, and I miss the feeling that I belong to someone. I havent been writing publicly about this yet, because I feel its really important for me to communicate it with Sir first. My writing here is secondary to my communication with him, and while daily journaling is required of me in my service to him, it does not need to be done or shared publicly until it has been discussed with Sir or directed by Sir specifically. I have shared my feelings with him and he is working towards a solution.

I guess in a dream world I expected him to say wow you're right I feel the same way, lets fix things. Of course nothing is that easy... not even for Sir. Everything takes thought, discussion, thought, discussion, thought, discussion.... I feel a great deal of love for him. He was a friend before and above all else to me when this started. I supposed I'm a bit of a romantic in thinking that love is all you need. The rest just falls into place, right? Apparently not... rude awakening for the little girl.

From my perspective, I just think, I made him the center of my world. Every action, every thought, every thing.... belongs to him. With him pulling out of that role in this busy time it leaves me rather aloof to say the least... without a purpose maybe? So I continue on, grasping tightly to the moments I do have, completing my daily tasks with vigorous execution, wishing there was more to do. I make myself ready for that moment when it all comes back to "center" by continuing to do whats expected, taking care of myself as much as possibly from a physical and emotional aspect. I stay and I wait.... for when he'll need me again....and I hope.

All Around Me...

All Around Me Lyrics by Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to to fadeInto our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand I give it you
Now you own me, All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you, I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

Growing....

I always like to take time to reflect on growth. Not very long ago I was not even exposed to bdsm in anything more than a "bedroom play" type of understanding. I have to say Kudos to all the people who take this to the next level, out of the bedroom and into a lifestyle. It is definitely hard work... harder than any other relationship. The level of dedication and commitment is much much more. The trust factor is so intense that its tiring at times. Then there is always communication....

I don't think I expected this to be a cake walk. I don't think I really understood how difficult it would be either. There are many times when I have said or expressed my feelings of being overwhelmed and have been told by Sir that I had made a committment to this and to him and that he made it clear from the beginning what would be expected. And he did... there is not doubt about that. I'm just not sure that I really understood at that moment how much work would go into it.

I've said many times before that I feel very blessed to have been chosen by Sir to be able to provide him this service. He is not only my Master, but also a teacher for me. I've learned a lot about myself. He has opened up corners of my mind that even I like to stay away from and forced me to look into myself and face those things. It's all helped me grow so much not only physically but also emotionally. I've always known how to communicate but I cannot say that I have always done so efficiently. The presentation factor plays a lot into that now as it is something that has been drilled into my brain. I can honestly say I've always been a spoiled "little girl" even before Sir came along and dubbed me that. That in and of itself has always made it very easy for me to just pout and whine and get my way. Definitely something that does not work with Sir... in fact, the pouting rather eggs him on in not allowing me my way. It's forced me to look at how to communicate and how to come to him with issues and concerns and also how to take his constructive criticism on a very productive level.

On the topic of being spoiled, this is also something else that I am not where Sir is concerned. It has forced me to really appreciate the things I do get. It can be simple things he says or does, or time that is given. It has definitely taught me to respect a lot more and not take things for granted so often. I guess I don't really have a point in all of this....Just wanted to take the time to think about this and reflect on the things that have made me stronger. I guess also once again to say my thanks to Sir for choosing me =)

Back to Life....

Been away as of late due to work. Which of course made it next to impossible to do my daily tasking and such. So I'm settled back in now and need to resume my daily obligations and tasking. Things have been interesting to say the least....

I knew time was going to change as I mentioned in a previous post. Something that I have struggled with in the past for sure was time and lack there of. I learned a very difficult lesson in the past month or so regarding that though and have learned to set aside my insecurites or needs for that time in order to be able to still provide service. I would say it has had adverse effects. It has made me more independent with my own time when Sir is busy with other things in addition to letting me feel better about the time he takes away. The issue? Looking at my statement I see things like "independent" and "my own time". The problem is that I don't want to be independent of Sir and I don't want to consider anything my own. Independent yet... good trait and it makes me feel stronger emotionally as well.... but I want Sir to be involved in my life, not necessarily always directing, but be an actual part of my life. That has not been the case lately. In fact in my opinion lately we have been living two very separate lives and only crossing paths when it best fit. The time when we have crossed paths has been so very limited that the chemistry and control is not there in such little time. The dynamic of the relationship has changed. As far as it being my own time. I've always experienced that what is mine is his.... it is not really mine any longer as all of my belongs to Sir physically, emotionally.... it is all his. My feelings are his to do with as he pleases.... my body, the same.... My time isn't really my own... But maybe it has become that way because of the dynamic.

I think it is a balancing act for sure between the two worlds. There is going to be time when life takes us apart and in our own directions, but that connection between us should still and always be there. I guess in this scenario I did not feel it happen. I know that Sir has been missing that dynamic as well and he made clear to me how he felt about the situation when we had some extra time last night. We will have to see how easily things revert back to normal for us. For me, I'm not sure where it has left me.... I've wondered things like, is this how it will be if I just back down and wait for him, his decisions and ability to give time or to use me or require that service I've dedicated myself too? Is this all he needs from me? Do we want different things from one another? It's not a pleasant place, and although Ive learned that it is not my place to question his decisions, it does not make accepting them any easier. That is my duty though. so we shall see how things adapt over the next week or so and how easily it is for us to fall back into one another... here's hoping!

Other than all of that nonsense! =) Lots of other changes have been happening with work and also in goals I have set for myself. Good stuff. I made some changes at work that have to do with quality of life! I've always been the type to absolutely pour myself into everything I do. That included working 60+ hours a week for heartless bastards who never wanted to take the time to recognize what I was doing as a good thing. And, if I don'd mind saying so, what I thought I was doing was really great work! So I decided to say so long to the politics and drama of that world and change jobs. Now I'm working in a much more rewarding environment, for many less hours, and much nicer people! Imagine that. So it has been a very positive change and is causing less drama in my life... yay!

Personal health also a topic for discussion as of late....I've seen many debates and heard many opinions about a submissives responsibility to take care of the body that is owned by his or her Master. I am a believer of the fact that I should be taking care of myself in a sense of being at a healthy weight and in shape. I think I have also shared on my blog before of the challenges I have had with self harming eating disorders as well. So it has definitely proven to be a challenge for me. So now I'm working on a more nutritional menu day to day and have made a commitment to be more physically active and am even working with a personal trainer. I think this will help with more than just the physical aspects of things as obviously my body will be healthier as well as my mind. Definitely something that will help with the confidence and the insecurities. So we shall see how this goes. Not to mention it gives me something to do when I'm alone during the days and nights when Sir is away.

So yea, lots of changes... lots going on... all in all I'm doing well with managing it and hopefully it is something Sir will be able to have a bigger part in soon as time changes for him as well, but we shall see!

Random

When things are good, there is less to write about... go figure. Well, that is of course unless Sir has given me a specific task to document. So, today is no different.... I have very little to write about.... so .... a few random thoughts:

Sir has changed things... I've never been allowed to mastrubate without permission and I've always asked, but now Im required to ask not only for the chance to mastrubate but also to come. Little things have been changing... in a good way. The way he asks for things, says things, directs me. He's taking more and more control every day and his expectations of me are becoming more and more. I am responsible for more...this all makes me a very happy little girl. His very happy little girl....

I am concerned about something though. Our time is going to change soon due to other obligations of both of us. I don't know if it's just not knowing how it will effect things or just worried that it may effect things. I would like to think that I have grown, and we have grown enough over the past few weeks that it wont change anything. But, I will miss having all the time.....so much time. I think I am spoiled.... he says he does not spoil me, but what he gives.....when he gives... i gobble it all up! I consider me spoiled but that is just my opinion, which of course means jack shit, but still my opinion.

Life is good...

Well, it has been a rocky road, full of challenges, and lows as of late.... but that ended last week when Sir gave me time on Tuesday to correct somethings between us. We talked about how I was feeling and why... he gave me open forum to express my concerns and issues. I'm always weary with open forum because there are things you just don't say, but he wanted to hear them and that was my direction at that point. So I let it all out, I let it all go and he heard it all. Sir needed me to let him go at the end because he was feeling irritated, but things were made clear to me before that. Presentation is everything. I have to bring everything to Sir, that's the expectation. That does not mean bitch sessions are welcome and I need to be poised and proper in bringing issues, concerns, thoughts, and feelings to him.

Since that conversation, things have been changing. I would not say that they have been changing drastically, but slow and steady is more like it. He is interacting with me differently, and I him. It's better and it's more consistent and we are actually enjoying the others' company and not just tip-toe'ing through our interactions. I think the most difficult part of this journey for me has been the trust issue. Learning to trust... completely. I let go... the last brick of that wall has fallen. Im no longer clinging to ideas of what was or what MIGHT be... I take what is there for what it is. I know my place in Sir's life. I know what he wants of me, what he expects of me, and where I sit in that world of his. It is my place there on that pedestal. It is my responsibility and mine only to provide service to him. Others may come and go, but they do not take the place he has given me. I am his to control in body, mind, and spirit.

I love my Sir, my Master; he is everything to me, and I am here to please him. Until Sir decides he no longer wishes to have me in his service - that is my place and that is where I will remain. Sir says that is forever.. I only wish to be so lucky.

Sharing...

Sir and i have spoken a little on this topic before. When i say sharing, i mean sharing someone with each other. I personally think women are the most absolutely beautiful creatures to ever walk the earth! Having said that I definitely do not mind a romp around the bed with one. Sir is aware of my desires and he's always very supportive. i will sometimes mention interest in someone I know or I have met and he will ask me to bring him pictures of said person. i think the first time I was asked to do such a thing panic washed over me a bit! but - how - what - when - omg ! hehe Then his clever little "to your place girl" words followed ... "i'm waiting." yes Sir!

So, he's asked me how I feel about bringing girls to him, with their consent. The thought of actually doing it makes me nervous the idea in and of itself does not though. i guess I just think of it as providing service to him. i mean if I can bring someone to him and he can obtain pleasure from that, then its essentially my doing. I tend not to be the jealous type... so long as I am involved in the process and all parties are aware of my place (small disclaimer ;)... in fact the idea of watching Sir with another woman is quite an erotic one for me. I am sure sometimes he would let me play too - when he chooses of course - but even without the ability to be physically involved i would still get satisfaction of pleasuring Sir even through a medium and I know he would thank me for it later in his own way...I just have to learn how to broach the topic when the time comes and not be so dang nervous about it!

I know my place and I know that regardless of whomever I would bring home to him or for us that she wouldn't be able to replace me in his eyes. i would think that is why the idea of it doesn't intimidate me. It is just that.. sex... it's not a relationship and she isnt his. I am. Besides, the bottom line is that Sir gets what Sir wants. I'm just there to provide it =) And if my interest in women on a sexual level has resulted in him wanting these things, or maybe that desire was already there and knowing my feelings has just brough it forward, then I have no issues providing him with that delicious sin.

Outside Influences...

When I write everyday I tend to run out of things to say or reflect on... that's when I solicit the help from Sir because of course he still expects to see something even if there is nothing I can come up with on my own...

So his suggestion was to write about outside influences and how I keep them from interfering with our relationship. Wow ok sooo the first thing that come to mind was that I have no idea how I do this... but I think that its one of those things that I do without realizing so of course explain it here wont come easy cause as usual Sir likes to stretch my mind and teach me something =)


I guess the main thing I do is make sure that he is aware of absolutely everything thats going on in my life whether its embarassing or personal... good word there personal... because really and truly that explains it... I don't have anything thats just mine. I am his and therefore everything that I feel and everything I do it belongs to him. If I dont share those things with him and he doesnt know whats going on in my life when he's not around or involved - that is when it is going to effect our relationship.


Presentation is a good thing here to talk about... definitely somewhere I need to grow... how I bring those outside influences to Sir is really important... I mean yea he is there for me to comfort me when I need it, but ultimately he is my Master and the information Im needing to communicate to him is just that information. This is where I have the most issues right now in depending on him to be able to fix everything even when Im failing to communicate it with him. Sir always reminds me that he never fails me when I am open and honest... I may not always like what he has to say or how he chooses to handle things, but he never fails me and thats whats important...

Speaking of not failing... the other thing I try to do has to do with when whatever it is... my day to day interactment with others be it good or bad.. I know that if I do the best that I can in every situation that I will not be failing Sir. If i don't want my interaction with outside influences to effect our relationship the best medicine is just to make sure that I am handling things in a way that he would want me to.

Tough Love

Posted yesterday about control and solicited some help... I titled the blog post "tough love" because thats how I saw it. Thanks to Luna who said something I think I needed to hear:

"the only thing i can suggest is what i remind myself of occasionally - that he's my dominant, not my babysitter, and finding ways to improve myself and keep myself physically and emotionally strong is *also* my responsibility to him."

I think that at the time, this was probably what I REALLY needed most to hear. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way that I forget my place. I just end up spinning in circles and things pile up until I cant see up from down or left from right. Sir has always pointed out that when I get to that point I start taking back control. Which is *ironic* (hehe just for you Sir) since my issue is lack of control!

Oy! And how things go round and round.... So I took the "tough love" from Luna - thank you! - he is my dominant and I need to trust him and believe in him. I need to wait when he wants me to wait and trust that he will give me time when its best for both of us. When I talked to Sir about all of this he mentioned that another thing about me is that when I get like this he does pull back some because I get pushy and that's bad because its not my place. Which really doesn't help because once he does pull back then I start feeling that tension and it makes things worse.

I do need to get better about being stronger emotionally for him (even though he does love it when I cry ;) and I'm going to work on that and presentation. So I have a new standing order when I am feeling odd and I have to write it before I say it until I learn how to say it right!