Control

Task for Sir as we work through some struggles I have been having.... I would be open to feedback on something from anyone who is reading this. I've been trying to explain how I feel to Sir when I am not being taken advantage of, controlled, directed. Sir made a comment last night that he cannot always be giving me direction and I know this is true, however it was not the point I was trying to make. I don't know how to explain it to him and he is trying desperately to understand. I don't need to be receiving direction 24/7 in order to feel the control he has, but when control is not there I get into a bad place. I'm trying to find a way to explain to him what I need but havent been able to find the words.

I mean, it can be the simplest thing... such as giving me a command - something he doesnt even think about to do. There are things and an attitude that exhibit who has the control, that put me in my place....small things... things that don't require constant attention. Sometimes yes that involves giving specific direction or tasks.... but not always. I wish I could find the words to explain because I really dont like feeling this way and it's taking a negative toll on the both of us....any feedback here would be greatly appreciated... what do you do when you are having a problem communicating something to your Sir? How do you explain a "feeling"? =/

With Control:

• free
• protected
• loved
• cherished
• safe
• sense of purpose
• in my place

Without Control:

• unimportant
• not needed
• lost
• ornery
• alone
• unmotivated
• sassy
• scared

how it started...

I wrote this along time ago, when I made a decision and an agreement with Sir to be his. I needed to read it today because I needed to remember why this is what I want...

I wanted to spend some time this morning reflecting on the path I'm walking down and the reasons behind it. I want this to serve as a reminder for myself if I loose sight of what I believe to be what I truly desire. I consider myself a strong and independent woman. I am good at what I do in business and I have a very demanding drive for myself. Ive come to feel that its because of thisthat my need or want is to submit to someone else whom I trust when I'm not in that roll. I would say I have power in my 40+ hour work weeks every 52 of them in the year. It is nice to experience powerlessness at the hands of someone else. At first I had a hard time seeing myself in the same light he did. I was believing myself to be far from submissive. I think the misconception with those of us who are deemed "vanilla" is that a submissive person is seen as someone weak. I always thought to myself then I wouldn't submit to anything. In fact Id fight tooth and nail in order to be the best at what I do and the strongest. That in and of itself is the misconception. Its more so a person being submissive to another. Which, by the way, I now feel to be very brave and far from weak. I wouldn't see myself doing the things he asks or could ask of me for anyone else. I choose to relinquish that power/control specifically to him. Little did I know at the time what I thought far to be submissive in nature could very well be why I am comfortable with being submissive to him. I still want to be the good little girl when he asks me to do something for him. Its not far from yearning for appreciation or acknowledgement from a professor or supervisor. However it is different. It's different in the feeling that its like a vacation. I'm very high strung and anyone who knows me will agree.. I go full speed ahead at 100mph all the time. When he is around me, I slow down. I rely on him to lead me, to decide for me, to take care of me. Slowly and surely every wall and every defense I've built up around me falls away. That feeling of a loss of control is and of itself not only erotic in nature to me, but also very invigorating. It's like a vacation from my everyday stress and worries. It refreshes me for the next day and the next moment. The idea of going home every night to that type of relationship is very soothing to me. It's something I long for immensely.

I'm still a student in this lifestyle. I know Ive barely even scratched the surface with the possibilities. I cannot see myself pursuing these desires with anyone else at this point. I'm not saying that I should. I just feel that when we started these conversations and he began to explain his preferences to me that was a journey I embarked on that I'm not ready to let go of. I know what I want. That's not it. Reading over this it sounds like my only interest in Sir is what he can teach me. In fact Ive said very little about what draws me to him. As I reflect though it is his characteristics as a Dominant that are what truly draw me to him. I like who I am when I am with him and it speaks volumes to me. I feel like he knows me, and what he doesn't know of me he really wants to. I feel cherished and loved by his words and actions. hehe... I think of a way to put this into words and you always hear about the "trophy wife"... Well I mean essentially that's how he makes me feel which I guess would seem odd to most. I like the idea of being the good little girl that hes proud of and one that he can show off. In order to get that appreciation and approval though I have to please him. When I'm with him I can be myself. I can cry, I can laugh, I can struggle... he doesn't judge me. He's patient and kind and he has a way of making me comfortable with pretty much everything. I think I still have more I need to trust him with. I don't think I've really let go of all the walls and all the defenses, but I'm learning and he's teaching. The more I come to realize that I can rely on him for anything, the more I rely on him. It's these things that led me to fall in love with him. I don't think that makes me shallow. I think if everyone can find someone that they can truly trust all of themselves to, no matter the demons, that we would all be very lucky people. I just think in this case, the reason I've been able to follow this road is because of his lifestyle. I think if it wasn't because of that, then he would not have been able to truly show me myself and the connection wouldn't necessarily be as strong. We've always flirted and had that chemistry, but its because of the communication and the guidance that we have and hes shown me that's taken it to the next level.

waiting my turn...

I sit and wait mostly patient (I say mostly because I know I give Sir a run for his money sometimes) for my turn. When he decides he will pay me attention or take advantage. The waiting is the hard part. I spend all this time making sure I am readily available for whatever he decides he will need and whenever that will be. Studying, reading, writing, watching, listening, learning... aching for that moment when it will pay off.

Sir has been pretty busy lately. I asked earlier why it seems the time he chooses to allow it to effect mostly effects me over others... he says it effects everyone. I think sometimes he pushes me though. I cannot tell if it is because he does not know how to handle my struggling with it, or because he enjoys watching me squirm. He does always do his best to reassure me that he still needs me....even when he's not directly "using" me... I think under other circumstances... perhaps in the past... had I thought something like that I would probably question the type of relationship I was in....

The fact of the matter is, this relationship I'm in... I knew what it was... I agreed to it and accepted it. I want those things...I need those things... I love Sir with all my heart and I know he loves me. I live for the moments where he needs me to do something for him - whatever it is... I want him to take advantage of me, use me, take me.... when he can do those things... when he does those things... I feel fulfilled. I feel it is my purpose, my reason, my place. I miss them when they aren't there....

So I wait... patiently... for my turn...

Insecurities

I will often go back and read something I've written to Sir or for Sir. Sometimes if I read back over something I've written while I was angry or upset and I will be surprised at how I acted. Other times Ill look back over something I had studied and then wrote about.... Below is an older assignment I had.

I reread this today because I felt like I was once again letting my own lack of confidence and insecurities step in between Sir and I. The time it took to reflect did help a bit, it reminded me of how I felt after doing the task and study and focused me a little more... which I think is something I needed at this moment.

I find myself needing to read and understand on a regular basis now. I think in some way it enables me to feel closer to him while hes unavailable or away... I also ordered the book to follow this one. It should be here just after thanksgiving so i need to get caught up on my reading as I am anxious to begin the fiction that's on its way.

Today's chapter was on scenes and how they work and the thought that goes into them.. One of my favorites I read today was a fantasy scene that the author did with his submissive. It was an induction into a coven of witches. The sensory aspects of this particular scene sent chills through me even as an outside observer. The intense thought and preparation put into the scene by her Master was overwhelming...The music, the odors, the different voices... it's incredible how much care goes into these types of things. It takes a lot of concern away mainly because the extent to which her Master went through for his subs is very reassuring about their feelings for one another.

I also learned today that my insecurities about the lifestyle are not abnormal. The author wrote that submissives often need to be reassured as to their inherent worth, especially after a particularly intense scene. The author also mentioned that submissives will often be reluctant to say anything that can be taken as criticism even when asked, but by eliciting negative comments or feelings from the submissive and welcoming them in an adult manner it would do much to build the self worth of the sub and their opinion of their Master.

He corrected me the other night in what I was saying because he felt I was saying what he wanted to hear instead of how I really felt... I often fear giving the wrong answer to a question asked, while in that particular situation I was trying to be as honest as possible i can say that this often crosses my mind. What is the right answer? What if he does not like what I have to say? i must learn to be more honest with myself and him so that we both can learn from the situation and grow on it. I would not want my insecurities to adversely effect the progress that we could make as a couple....

Collared

I was out tonight with some friends, Sir excluded as he was busy with his own plans... Anyways, our server was wearing this beaded choker type thing around her neck with a heart shaped name tag on it...like the kind you get in the pet store... and the word "girl". Jealous I was.... not just that she was owned, but also her ability to wear it out and about around others.

It's hard for me to see what others have. I have a bad habit on focusing on what I don't have and not enough on what I do have. Sir has corrected me many times before. He says I need to focus more on the solution and less on the problem. He is right, but wearing his collar is something he's considered before, yet not something I have been privileged enough to earn. I know its not something to be taken lightly.

I don't know why it is so important to me, but well yes I do... Just when sir first mentioned he was considering it, I was caught off guard to know he thought that way. I am really hard on myself... sometimes too hard and the behavior and feelings that result because of that are always corrected. I just didn't expect to hear him say that at that point. It was something I had always looked forward to, hoped would happen, etc... Then it was followed up with a "Just considering" comment and mentioned how he still had a concern with it.

I try really hard to do right by Sir, and he says that under the circumstance I do really well. I try not to let other's experience get me down, but sometimes I get envious or jealous of the situations or interactions of other subs with their dom/mes. I guess I'm just looking forward to the day when Sir decides I'm ready to wear his collar.