Random

When things are good, there is less to write about... go figure. Well, that is of course unless Sir has given me a specific task to document. So, today is no different.... I have very little to write about.... so .... a few random thoughts:

Sir has changed things... I've never been allowed to mastrubate without permission and I've always asked, but now Im required to ask not only for the chance to mastrubate but also to come. Little things have been changing... in a good way. The way he asks for things, says things, directs me. He's taking more and more control every day and his expectations of me are becoming more and more. I am responsible for more...this all makes me a very happy little girl. His very happy little girl....

I am concerned about something though. Our time is going to change soon due to other obligations of both of us. I don't know if it's just not knowing how it will effect things or just worried that it may effect things. I would like to think that I have grown, and we have grown enough over the past few weeks that it wont change anything. But, I will miss having all the time.....so much time. I think I am spoiled.... he says he does not spoil me, but what he gives.....when he gives... i gobble it all up! I consider me spoiled but that is just my opinion, which of course means jack shit, but still my opinion.

Life is good...

Well, it has been a rocky road, full of challenges, and lows as of late.... but that ended last week when Sir gave me time on Tuesday to correct somethings between us. We talked about how I was feeling and why... he gave me open forum to express my concerns and issues. I'm always weary with open forum because there are things you just don't say, but he wanted to hear them and that was my direction at that point. So I let it all out, I let it all go and he heard it all. Sir needed me to let him go at the end because he was feeling irritated, but things were made clear to me before that. Presentation is everything. I have to bring everything to Sir, that's the expectation. That does not mean bitch sessions are welcome and I need to be poised and proper in bringing issues, concerns, thoughts, and feelings to him.

Since that conversation, things have been changing. I would not say that they have been changing drastically, but slow and steady is more like it. He is interacting with me differently, and I him. It's better and it's more consistent and we are actually enjoying the others' company and not just tip-toe'ing through our interactions. I think the most difficult part of this journey for me has been the trust issue. Learning to trust... completely. I let go... the last brick of that wall has fallen. Im no longer clinging to ideas of what was or what MIGHT be... I take what is there for what it is. I know my place in Sir's life. I know what he wants of me, what he expects of me, and where I sit in that world of his. It is my place there on that pedestal. It is my responsibility and mine only to provide service to him. Others may come and go, but they do not take the place he has given me. I am his to control in body, mind, and spirit.

I love my Sir, my Master; he is everything to me, and I am here to please him. Until Sir decides he no longer wishes to have me in his service - that is my place and that is where I will remain. Sir says that is forever.. I only wish to be so lucky.

Sharing...

Sir and i have spoken a little on this topic before. When i say sharing, i mean sharing someone with each other. I personally think women are the most absolutely beautiful creatures to ever walk the earth! Having said that I definitely do not mind a romp around the bed with one. Sir is aware of my desires and he's always very supportive. i will sometimes mention interest in someone I know or I have met and he will ask me to bring him pictures of said person. i think the first time I was asked to do such a thing panic washed over me a bit! but - how - what - when - omg ! hehe Then his clever little "to your place girl" words followed ... "i'm waiting." yes Sir!

So, he's asked me how I feel about bringing girls to him, with their consent. The thought of actually doing it makes me nervous the idea in and of itself does not though. i guess I just think of it as providing service to him. i mean if I can bring someone to him and he can obtain pleasure from that, then its essentially my doing. I tend not to be the jealous type... so long as I am involved in the process and all parties are aware of my place (small disclaimer ;)... in fact the idea of watching Sir with another woman is quite an erotic one for me. I am sure sometimes he would let me play too - when he chooses of course - but even without the ability to be physically involved i would still get satisfaction of pleasuring Sir even through a medium and I know he would thank me for it later in his own way...I just have to learn how to broach the topic when the time comes and not be so dang nervous about it!

I know my place and I know that regardless of whomever I would bring home to him or for us that she wouldn't be able to replace me in his eyes. i would think that is why the idea of it doesn't intimidate me. It is just that.. sex... it's not a relationship and she isnt his. I am. Besides, the bottom line is that Sir gets what Sir wants. I'm just there to provide it =) And if my interest in women on a sexual level has resulted in him wanting these things, or maybe that desire was already there and knowing my feelings has just brough it forward, then I have no issues providing him with that delicious sin.

Outside Influences...

When I write everyday I tend to run out of things to say or reflect on... that's when I solicit the help from Sir because of course he still expects to see something even if there is nothing I can come up with on my own...

So his suggestion was to write about outside influences and how I keep them from interfering with our relationship. Wow ok sooo the first thing that come to mind was that I have no idea how I do this... but I think that its one of those things that I do without realizing so of course explain it here wont come easy cause as usual Sir likes to stretch my mind and teach me something =)


I guess the main thing I do is make sure that he is aware of absolutely everything thats going on in my life whether its embarassing or personal... good word there personal... because really and truly that explains it... I don't have anything thats just mine. I am his and therefore everything that I feel and everything I do it belongs to him. If I dont share those things with him and he doesnt know whats going on in my life when he's not around or involved - that is when it is going to effect our relationship.


Presentation is a good thing here to talk about... definitely somewhere I need to grow... how I bring those outside influences to Sir is really important... I mean yea he is there for me to comfort me when I need it, but ultimately he is my Master and the information Im needing to communicate to him is just that information. This is where I have the most issues right now in depending on him to be able to fix everything even when Im failing to communicate it with him. Sir always reminds me that he never fails me when I am open and honest... I may not always like what he has to say or how he chooses to handle things, but he never fails me and thats whats important...

Speaking of not failing... the other thing I try to do has to do with when whatever it is... my day to day interactment with others be it good or bad.. I know that if I do the best that I can in every situation that I will not be failing Sir. If i don't want my interaction with outside influences to effect our relationship the best medicine is just to make sure that I am handling things in a way that he would want me to.

Tough Love

Posted yesterday about control and solicited some help... I titled the blog post "tough love" because thats how I saw it. Thanks to Luna who said something I think I needed to hear:

"the only thing i can suggest is what i remind myself of occasionally - that he's my dominant, not my babysitter, and finding ways to improve myself and keep myself physically and emotionally strong is *also* my responsibility to him."

I think that at the time, this was probably what I REALLY needed most to hear. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way that I forget my place. I just end up spinning in circles and things pile up until I cant see up from down or left from right. Sir has always pointed out that when I get to that point I start taking back control. Which is *ironic* (hehe just for you Sir) since my issue is lack of control!

Oy! And how things go round and round.... So I took the "tough love" from Luna - thank you! - he is my dominant and I need to trust him and believe in him. I need to wait when he wants me to wait and trust that he will give me time when its best for both of us. When I talked to Sir about all of this he mentioned that another thing about me is that when I get like this he does pull back some because I get pushy and that's bad because its not my place. Which really doesn't help because once he does pull back then I start feeling that tension and it makes things worse.

I do need to get better about being stronger emotionally for him (even though he does love it when I cry ;) and I'm going to work on that and presentation. So I have a new standing order when I am feeling odd and I have to write it before I say it until I learn how to say it right!