Misconceptions

I hate when I am around someone and they say something off key about the lifestyle. It doesn't have to be that they are wrong, just that they say something that isn't entirely right or they just don't get what they are saying. I'm of the mind that if you just don't get it then you should keep your mouth shut instead of spouting off some incessant bullshit and try to sound like you know what you are talking about. Not only are you making a fool of yourself to anyone who really understands what you are talking about, you are just being naive.

Someone very close to me judged "people like that" tonight and when I say very close.... grrrr I mean very close. It's upsetting to say the least. I mean, I expect to hear it from time to time from random people... people I don't know, but when I'm being judged by friends or family for my choices... it's a completely different feeling.

I know that they don't realize it's me they are insulting with their snide comments or remarks, but it just goes to show that you should always watch what you say because you don't know how it will effect the people around you... the people you supposedly care about.

133

That's what time it is... 1:33 AM. I cannot sleep. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm overthinking as usual. I did well today. Sir said so =) I did not dwell so long that thoughts imploded inside of me. I came to Sir and I told him I needed time to discuss and he made it right away, though I wasn't asking for this. Startled and caught offguard of course, I was thinking I would have some time to work up the nerves, haha funny! Speak! So I began trying to explain how my thoughts take over.

I have this funny thing that happens in my head where something is going on in my mind that should not be and I'm telling myself, "Self, that's not yours to decided" or "you know better than that and you know your place". YES! Yes I do so stop stop stop get out of my head. Gah he said tell him specifically the thoughts! Oh geez, but he could have been so mad for hearing what was going on in there... *gulp* then the one word..... "girl" and I just spilled my guts... hehe

Time to change things he says, the expectation is there now, but Sir I was trying. And he knows and he explains why and he reassures me it is not punishment. So much more to talk about, but it felt good tonight that he recognized the progress. I brought the issues to him within 24 hours which is so very new. The struggles... they are nothing specific. They are insecurities. I don't know the trigger I just know how it makes me feel... YUCK!

It's the transition between girl and woman. I spent years and years learning to hide the self hurting and the feelings and thoughts in my mind. I learned and taught myself how to act... now, that's all being undone. I feel safe when I'm in his presence and that's the only time. Outside of that bubble, people are judging... things can happen... I'm not protected... he's not there. Severe abandonment issues... the minutes away are soooo draining. Luckily it is not a constant thing... comes and goes... but still no idea on the trigger. We are going to talk more about it after the long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Sir tries so hard and he says straight out he doesn't have the answer, but he stands by me and he loves me, because I'm his little girl.

Sir

Talking with Sir this afternoon, and I mentioned not having decided yet what I would write about. He was making a funny, but of course I ducked and missed it, and he said I should write about him. I said... hmmm... Well I always kind of write about you. After he pointed out he was making a funny I kind of chuckled but then had an idea to write about him anyways. Why he is important to me, why I love him, how we came to be, and all that other gushy stuff. I mean yes of course I'm almost always writing about him. That's generally because of the type of writing he requires of me is to reflect upon events or things that have happened because he believes it helps me.

So anyways, it's like one of those things that you take for granted because its there every day. When I started this journey and this relationship with Sir. I knew absolutely nothing about the lifestyle. We were friends for a longggggg time before anything romantic. You know there's always that playful flirting that people do when there's chemistry but our friendship was strictly platonic.... One day we started talking more in depth about our current and past relationships with people and he opened up to me about the type of lifestyle he prefers to live. I think he must have really trusted me and been extremely comfortable with me to do this. Of course at first I didn't get all the juicy details, just the dynamic and what it meant. I think until then that I didn't realize that BDSM could even reach beyond just bedroom play.

Sir tried to show how his traits even in a vanilla dynamic shined through in the way he interacted with me on our current, playfully flirting platform. There were times when, I will say... hmmm I was overly intoxicated and doing this - not normally a good idea for a 20something girl to do - walking through the crowded streets of a city in the middle of the night drinking =) Straying from the group... such a naughty girl I was. Yet Sir was their, lurking in the shadows I say, watching over me =) He also tried to explain to me things he saw in me. Traits he says make me who I am, that I've tended to push back into the dark corners of my mind. I'm grateful of that conversation nearly every day... When I think about how I can't do this, or it's too difficult to do this, that particular conversation and day is something I like to play through in my head over and over again. That day, nearly 2 years gone now, is still fresh in my memory like so many of the conversations we've had.

I like to think I've come a long way since then. Sir seems to think so too. One think I can count on is the growth. Sir is the best teacher, he is kind and patient. Even when correcting behavior he is reasonable. He is always calm. In that eerie "I wish you would get angry" way. He has never raised his voice to me. Now I will say, sometimes my tongue gets the best of me and he will often try to correct THAT behavior in his "I'm a cool, calm, collected Dom" voice - which doesn't work - and need to speak over me blurting out my full name... talk about pulling me up short =) Another thing I can always count on him to do. Easy NOT to make a mistake when he is around... there's that line I can begin walking and then Sir always grounds me with that warning... the way his voice changes ever so slightly that says he means business =)

Even when we are apart, I can feel his presence, always there, always in my mind, always protecting me. It's not an easy place to stay. A lot of times I wish I could just run away and hide, but there is something about Sir knowing me they way he does. Knowing every inch of me, inside and out. I think when it began it was hard to understand. It was hard to get used to him always being in my head. Sometimes it still is, but usually.... now it is the most incredibly wonderful place. I don't have to worry about anything other than just this one thing... To be known so well, better than you know yourself really... it's a very protected feeling...

Things are never always perfect. There are good days and there are bad. Just like with any relationship. We have our hardships and we both have moments where we mess things up. Sir always puts the pieces back together. It takes time, and it's more intensive than just apologizing and moving on. But, Sir is dedicated. He is dedicated to me and our relationship and he wants us to succeed. I think he has a hard time with me... I don't think I make things easy on him. I try to do right by him. I try to do right by us and I do know my place. But I definitely do not make things even. I can be the most stubborn of a brat and oh do i like to run. Good thing he keeps a short leash around. ;)

His persistence and his dedication to our relationship is why I love him most. I know he does not take me for granted or the things I do for him. It is so easy to love him seeing how much he loves me. I would gladly stay balled up at his feet for ever and ever if he would let me. I would wait for hours, days, weeks, months for him to just use me once...even if it was only for a fraction of the time I had waited. I've never been loved the way he loves me. I've never known someone to believe so much in me. I've never before ever met a man like him. I'm so proud to be his, that is the most important thing to me.

Another.... Punishment?

Hehehehehe.... was looking at this and realized I haven't had a public writing session since Tuesday! Oh nos... Well indicative of my last post, my mood was in a pretty off place... My writing has been private due to that fact and having to work through those emotions and feelings with Sir.... Finally managed to get the presentation right to him on like Thursday. It took 2 days and many many conversations to be had...But its good now and that's really all that matters. Yesterday morning I had to reflect on what I thought triggered me going into that space...Sir thinks a good place for me to do this, obviously, is on my knees. Just focuses my mind into the right frame set. A lot comes of those moments and it definitely reminds me of my place.

And, As always Sir leaves on Friday for his weekends out of town. Given tasks to complete in his absence, such a wonderful feeling because it makes me feel close to him even though hes out of reach... *Pout* I can do that right now cause hes not looking... =P But last night I had a bit of a set back....

There's this man... he comes into work every now and then... obviously a Dom. The first time he came in I told Sir about him because it struck me as odd behavior.... all the specific things he asked me to do for him that no one ever does. Sir said he was putting me through the paces... he came in a few times after that... I had strict directions by then as to how to handle Mr. Mysterious... "I'm unable to provide you service, but soandso can help you and then excuse myself to make a phone call." This worked, I think he got the picture a few times later... very persistent I say... Sir had me tweak words around and say them how any Dom would understand. I would have gladly screamed my status to the world and Mr mysterious any given day, but I would have to agree that work isn't necessarily the most appropriate place for that... *giggles*

Needless to say, Mr mysterious still comes in and hes gotten less pushy about me "serving" him and more friendly etc... Well last night he came in and I blindly provided "service" to him and did not call Sir per my instructions due to him being out of town and us being extremely busy at the time... Sir was not pleased.... Not pleased... kind of an understatement. You get those moments, where you say... "are you mad at me, Sir"? and then he goes "no, but I am not pleased." and at that moment.. I wished he had just been mad... being displeased is soooooooo much worse! Gah my heart melted and everything else along with it...

Today he asked how I was when we spoke this morning... I was honest, Okay but still a little down about last night. Sir is considering tasks... Take a picture of the man, to have Sir post it somewhere I have to see it daily and reflect on it... and write about it... for a week. I asked why the punishment, but he said its not a punishment... its a reminder. I don't know how I feel about this...I mean I understand why it is important. The man had an expectation, it had been made clear that I was taken, it had been made clear what my directions were. Now I didn't follow that direction... because of who he is, he will recognize that. I understand why Sir feels this is so serious but the whole thing makes me feel very uneasy... I'm very nervous about what he will decide and how the reminder will make me feel. I mean I already feel really bad and quite stupid about the mistake I made and its hard and a reminder even without that man's picture looming over me.... =/ Until I know what Sir chooses to do though, I must accept responsibility for my actions and try not to fret about what may happen... I should save those thoughts for my writing and reflection later if it becomes a task!

grrrrrrr day

Today is one of those days when finding a topic to write about is proving quite difficult. I'm feeling quite pouty and ornery. Saying no is bad but I still did it this morning. I believe Sir's response was "I don't care". We have an ongoing... well I would say joke but what makes it so amusing is its truth. 2 little words for me to say "Jack" and "Shit" because that's really what my opinion means. I know he hears me and my opinion when it matters, but when it doesn't matter is when he's given direction in regards to something or has already told me how it will be. Sometimes he will say something and I will take that breath in to disagree and stop. Well Sir wouldn't be Sir if he didn't know when something was in my head and will often ask what. My response to that request is typically jack shit... and then he knows I was going to say something out of line. Oh yea, and then that chuckle... the one that makes my skin tingle...

Being ornery is bad, I get in a mood where I don't want to do. Then when I realize I am merely prolonging the inevitable I get pouty. None of which are effective tactics to use on Sir as he has a sadistic streak. It doesn't work on him and is generally followed by that same, deep, hearty chuckle. Grrrrrr.... stubborn, ornery, little girl. I say things, mean things and Sir has accused me of manipulating, when in this mood, for things I want. I want attention, but he will say its nice to want things... Sad and alone is how I'm feeling, is that why the mood? I don't know where it comes from....just that its from deep inside and it makes me just want to sleep....and pout =(