Life In General...

To be honest I'm not quite sure why I am back here. A lot has changed for me in the past 6 months. I'd have to say its been a combination of good and bad but mostly I'm just indifferent to it all... numb is a good word maybe. I think the bottom line is that I'm not happy. I don't know if that will ever change. It seems to be a trend in my life & maybe it's because that's how i want it to be. Writing has always been a kind of outlet for me, but I was really really hurt when things didnt quite turnout how I expected between M. and I that I pretty much tried to put as much distance as possible between myself and everything that reminded me of him. Unfortunately that included this and my writing. I'd like to believe that the wound isn't as fresh but I think the bottom line is that my relationship with him pretty much changed me forever and it's something that will never get easier. I'd be fooling myself if I thought that.

I've tried even more recently to remain friends, but I'm just not sure I can handle it. I don't know if I can face that day in and day out and be exposed to everything else his life is now, but I guess we'll have to see how that goes.

Other than that... no updates really not from that point of view. I'm pretty much alone in everything now. The phrase that comes to mind is you reap what you sow. This is my bed so now Im laying in it. Who knows? I think there are some things I need to figure out for myself before and above all else. I'm going through a process for a unique opportunity from a professional stand point right now and have a trip planned away. I'm hoping that maybe this will give me some time to clear through things on my own and maybe get a fresh start... we'll just have to see.

Lying....

The conversation was short... just a few words really. I have been keeping a nagging assumption to myself lately. I'm sure I shouldn't and the whole "your feelings belong to me" conversation is running through my head at the moment, but still I keep it to myself. So in a way of asking without asking.... I went a different route...

I simply asked: would you ever lie to me about anything? Sir answered a question with a question, which I hate and found myself - thinking it should be a fairly simple yes or no response. I even dared myself to say that to him, but instead I waited for his thoughts... He asked me why and of course again I answered without really answering and said I was just wondering. Then the answer came... it wasn't yes or no. It wasn't at all what I expected.

He simply said: "I don't need to lie to you."

It was one of those light bulb moments & the conversation was ended there as it was quickly followed by a sharp "this is not the time to discuss this" and it really wasn't. Because the conversation was cut short, it provided me plenty of think time immediately following.

Why I asked the question was not because I wanted to know if he would or would not. It was because I assumed he was lying and I expected him to share with me under what circumstances he would lie so that I could understand why he was lying. Shame on me for never giving him credit for always being open and honest. I suppose this taps back into the trust issues that began resurfacing after our 2 week blow up.

But, as usual, he was right. He doesn't need to lie to me. I can think of plenty of times when he has shared with me things that I didn't like, didn't approve of, didn't appreciate, didn't care for, didn't want to know, hurt me, embarassed me, annoyed me, and oh yes things that most people would lie about. So why now, did I think he would change to be a sneaky, deceptive, and all around untrustworthy man? Not because of anything he did, or deserved, and certainly not because he changed.

It was something in me instead... I would normally call them my issues, so it would seem I am still learning that as well.

No Surprise

I'm sure I wouldn't be stating anything but the obvious by saying that I have been neglectful of keeping this updated. Truth be told that in the past few months, my little knook here on the web was sorely missed.

As far as why I stopped writing, I am sure that anyone who has read the previous posts knows that I was going through something. I still am. I stopped writing for a number of reasons. The main reason, however, is that it stopped being expected. I don't really have the same "place" as I did before with Sir. Our relationship has reached a completely more casual level - obviously. To be honest I have no tasks - daily or otherwise - right now as that has all been taken away. Another big reason I stopped writing is because I was tired of being a pity party. It is so easy to focus on all the negative. I stopped writing about the positive. I was sending myself into this deep dark abyss day after day feeling sorry for myself and I couldn't do it anymore.

Bottom line is I made the choices I made and I need(ed) to learn to live with and deal with those repercussions. My life isn't all sunshine and puffy little clouds. Things are far from resolved, but writing was important for me for so many reasons more than just Sir, and it's not something I'm still willing to give up. Granted, I may not have as much to write about here anymore, but I will try nevertheless because it has helped me in the past.

To give some updates on background... I shared awhile back my struggles with a few things. Mainly, Self-Injury. For me this has mostly taken the form of eating disorders. I would not and did not ever consider myself to be a "cutter" this was mostly a last resort. Though I have caused physical harm to my body outside of cutting and neglect in the past. Due to the struggles I was facing some months ago, I sought some comfort in these old behaviors as a way to cope and regain control of my life. Reflecting back, control is definitely something I gave up to Sir when I signed on for this. I guess that when he withdrew and our relationship began to crumble I no longer felt safe in his control. This caused a lot of problems to say the least. I lashed out in many ways trying to regain that balance.

I would definitely say that I have unresolved feelings in all that is and was going on. Sometimes, I even think I'm being resentful... If that makes any kind of sense at all. Sir fought really hard to break down a lot of barriers with me and build on the trust factors. It took a very long time for me to let go of all of those things I did to ensure I felt some level of control. In a way those things that were my safety net were just traded off and he became that safety net. So, when our relationship started getting rocky it makes sense that I felt a loss of control or not even control... security? and reached out to regain that through my need to control or rather... feel control. Resentment comes in to play in the fact that he got me to let go and put that trust and faith in him and then showed me in a way that I couldn't.

So that's where we are.... it's completely different. I'm not happy... I don't know how he feels... we rarely speak, yet we both appear to be hanging on and waiting for something... who knows?

A Break...

Just wanted to drop a line... I know I disappeared out of nowhere basically. It shouldn't be any surprise to those of you who read to know, I and we, were having some challenges. A lot of things transitioned/changed and it's something we are currently working through. I am sure if and/or when things get better between us and we are back on solid ground I will have updates....

As of now... life is pretty dull. I was basically given reprieve of all duties/tasks/obligations. Not something I had asked for, but rather something for me to reflect on. Bitter is a good word to describe how I was/am feeling regarding that. Trust goes a long way here... I have to trust that Sir knows whats best or has some master plan not yet revealed to me...

Things are starting to shift now though and take on some new light. So, all I can do is wait, learn, trust... big things for a little girl....

Thank You....

I wanted to take a few minutes to say thank you and update those of you who have shown your support and wondering how things are going. I am still hanging in there and there is a lot of work to be done.

I spoke with him for the first time in detail yesterday and as painful as it was, he was finally ready to talk to me about what was going on. I'd say we are definitely in the "rebuilding" phase. A lot is still undecided and I'm not really sure where things will go from here. But, we are talking and we are working through these issues.

So Thank you - Ill keep you all posted.