Life In General...

To be honest I'm not quite sure why I am back here. A lot has changed for me in the past 6 months. I'd have to say its been a combination of good and bad but mostly I'm just indifferent to it all... numb is a good word maybe. I think the bottom line is that I'm not happy. I don't know if that will ever change. It seems to be a trend in my life & maybe it's because that's how i want it to be. Writing has always been a kind of outlet for me, but I was really really hurt when things didnt quite turnout how I expected between M. and I that I pretty much tried to put as much distance as possible between myself and everything that reminded me of him. Unfortunately that included this and my writing. I'd like to believe that the wound isn't as fresh but I think the bottom line is that my relationship with him pretty much changed me forever and it's something that will never get easier. I'd be fooling myself if I thought that.

I've tried even more recently to remain friends, but I'm just not sure I can handle it. I don't know if I can face that day in and day out and be exposed to everything else his life is now, but I guess we'll have to see how that goes.

Other than that... no updates really not from that point of view. I'm pretty much alone in everything now. The phrase that comes to mind is you reap what you sow. This is my bed so now Im laying in it. Who knows? I think there are some things I need to figure out for myself before and above all else. I'm going through a process for a unique opportunity from a professional stand point right now and have a trip planned away. I'm hoping that maybe this will give me some time to clear through things on my own and maybe get a fresh start... we'll just have to see.

Lying....

The conversation was short... just a few words really. I have been keeping a nagging assumption to myself lately. I'm sure I shouldn't and the whole "your feelings belong to me" conversation is running through my head at the moment, but still I keep it to myself. So in a way of asking without asking.... I went a different route...

I simply asked: would you ever lie to me about anything? Sir answered a question with a question, which I hate and found myself - thinking it should be a fairly simple yes or no response. I even dared myself to say that to him, but instead I waited for his thoughts... He asked me why and of course again I answered without really answering and said I was just wondering. Then the answer came... it wasn't yes or no. It wasn't at all what I expected.

He simply said: "I don't need to lie to you."

It was one of those light bulb moments & the conversation was ended there as it was quickly followed by a sharp "this is not the time to discuss this" and it really wasn't. Because the conversation was cut short, it provided me plenty of think time immediately following.

Why I asked the question was not because I wanted to know if he would or would not. It was because I assumed he was lying and I expected him to share with me under what circumstances he would lie so that I could understand why he was lying. Shame on me for never giving him credit for always being open and honest. I suppose this taps back into the trust issues that began resurfacing after our 2 week blow up.

But, as usual, he was right. He doesn't need to lie to me. I can think of plenty of times when he has shared with me things that I didn't like, didn't approve of, didn't appreciate, didn't care for, didn't want to know, hurt me, embarassed me, annoyed me, and oh yes things that most people would lie about. So why now, did I think he would change to be a sneaky, deceptive, and all around untrustworthy man? Not because of anything he did, or deserved, and certainly not because he changed.

It was something in me instead... I would normally call them my issues, so it would seem I am still learning that as well.

No Surprise

I'm sure I wouldn't be stating anything but the obvious by saying that I have been neglectful of keeping this updated. Truth be told that in the past few months, my little knook here on the web was sorely missed.

As far as why I stopped writing, I am sure that anyone who has read the previous posts knows that I was going through something. I still am. I stopped writing for a number of reasons. The main reason, however, is that it stopped being expected. I don't really have the same "place" as I did before with Sir. Our relationship has reached a completely more casual level - obviously. To be honest I have no tasks - daily or otherwise - right now as that has all been taken away. Another big reason I stopped writing is because I was tired of being a pity party. It is so easy to focus on all the negative. I stopped writing about the positive. I was sending myself into this deep dark abyss day after day feeling sorry for myself and I couldn't do it anymore.

Bottom line is I made the choices I made and I need(ed) to learn to live with and deal with those repercussions. My life isn't all sunshine and puffy little clouds. Things are far from resolved, but writing was important for me for so many reasons more than just Sir, and it's not something I'm still willing to give up. Granted, I may not have as much to write about here anymore, but I will try nevertheless because it has helped me in the past.

To give some updates on background... I shared awhile back my struggles with a few things. Mainly, Self-Injury. For me this has mostly taken the form of eating disorders. I would not and did not ever consider myself to be a "cutter" this was mostly a last resort. Though I have caused physical harm to my body outside of cutting and neglect in the past. Due to the struggles I was facing some months ago, I sought some comfort in these old behaviors as a way to cope and regain control of my life. Reflecting back, control is definitely something I gave up to Sir when I signed on for this. I guess that when he withdrew and our relationship began to crumble I no longer felt safe in his control. This caused a lot of problems to say the least. I lashed out in many ways trying to regain that balance.

I would definitely say that I have unresolved feelings in all that is and was going on. Sometimes, I even think I'm being resentful... If that makes any kind of sense at all. Sir fought really hard to break down a lot of barriers with me and build on the trust factors. It took a very long time for me to let go of all of those things I did to ensure I felt some level of control. In a way those things that were my safety net were just traded off and he became that safety net. So, when our relationship started getting rocky it makes sense that I felt a loss of control or not even control... security? and reached out to regain that through my need to control or rather... feel control. Resentment comes in to play in the fact that he got me to let go and put that trust and faith in him and then showed me in a way that I couldn't.

So that's where we are.... it's completely different. I'm not happy... I don't know how he feels... we rarely speak, yet we both appear to be hanging on and waiting for something... who knows?

A Break...

Just wanted to drop a line... I know I disappeared out of nowhere basically. It shouldn't be any surprise to those of you who read to know, I and we, were having some challenges. A lot of things transitioned/changed and it's something we are currently working through. I am sure if and/or when things get better between us and we are back on solid ground I will have updates....

As of now... life is pretty dull. I was basically given reprieve of all duties/tasks/obligations. Not something I had asked for, but rather something for me to reflect on. Bitter is a good word to describe how I was/am feeling regarding that. Trust goes a long way here... I have to trust that Sir knows whats best or has some master plan not yet revealed to me...

Things are starting to shift now though and take on some new light. So, all I can do is wait, learn, trust... big things for a little girl....

Thank You....

I wanted to take a few minutes to say thank you and update those of you who have shown your support and wondering how things are going. I am still hanging in there and there is a lot of work to be done.

I spoke with him for the first time in detail yesterday and as painful as it was, he was finally ready to talk to me about what was going on. I'd say we are definitely in the "rebuilding" phase. A lot is still undecided and I'm not really sure where things will go from here. But, we are talking and we are working through these issues.

So Thank you - Ill keep you all posted.

Soul Searching...

He is still very angry with me. We've barely spoken in nearly 5 days now. I've completely neglected my every rule and limitation and direction. I have made choices for my own reasons - be it right or wrong, and I've been told to do as I feel I need to. Which pretty much lets me off the hook for writing too.... so why am I here?

I guess a lot of it has to do with feeling like I have nowhere else to turn. It's not like I've been really open about this new journey I have been taking with anyone I know. It's not really something one would just bring up over coffee or out of the blue and since it's so new to me... I just kept it to myself really. I guess I just hope that somehow I would find comfort here.

The bottom line is, I don't know what is going to happen. I no longer know where I stand or if I even have ground to stand on where he is concerned. Every interaction we have is awkward and uneasy. He has stated his need to make some decisions and limited contact with me immensely. I am lucky to hear from him just once during the day. I am even luckier to receive responses to texts or emails.

I didn't like the way I was being treated, so I lashed out at him. I don't think he is upset about how I feel as much as he is how I communicated those feelings. He is really busy ALL the time. Sometimes he doesn't communicate with me for whole days. It's really quite hard for me to be understanding because he has asked me to do certain things if I need him. If I do what he has requested, a part of me expects him to be there in return. Therein lies the problem and something I've been struggling with since I opened my mouth on Friday. Is it my place to expect anything really?

And now I am faced with the fact that all of this is spanning beyond just my secret little bubble.... I have barely slept in the last 2 days....I sleep when I shouldn't. I'm awake when I should be asleep. I'm thinking about him when I should be focused on work and taking care of myself. Nothing is right. Things are very dark right now and I'm not sure when or if that will change. I don't blame him for being angry. I don't think he's wrong by any means. But that doesn't mean that I am ready to admit that I am wrong. I still feel very strongly about the way this all went down. I think we both could have made better decisions, but once again.... is it really my place to say so?

Screwing up...

I have no one to talk to about any of this right now.... I need to be able to talk to someone and there is no one. I have things to do....yet I dont want to do anything. I want to go to bed... I want to sleep. I wonder if I had just not said anything, just accepted everything as it is.... no I dont wonder, I know. I know everything would be fine, yet here i sit....nothing is fine, nothing is right and it is all my fault.... so what do I do now.... he said whatever I needed to do.... I feel like Im suffocating. There is no air.... everything has been sucked from me and Im alone in this space, just alone.

Reminders...

I'm often reminded that while I assume he expects perfection, Sir also expects me to make mistakes from time to time. I tend to be harder on myself when I do fudge up than he is on me. So much so that I wonder why in the heck he is taking it so easy on me. A time when I need to remind myself that it is not my place to punish myself. That I need to accept what is being said or done to address the issues by him and let it go.

There are a lot of things I need to remember. I find myself making lists when something is said or directed. I will spend time reading over my lists and reminding myself of where I have been and what I have learned, and what is expected.

Many things.... How I act is a big one. Reminding myself that what I do and say to others, how I behave in front of others... it is all a direct reflection of him. I like to pride myself on being all prim and proper, but I'm not... I have quite a trashy mouth from time to time and a short fuse when it comes to being patient. Some things have gotten better. I am much much more polite. I remember all my pleases and thank yous. My sirs and maams. I even get complicated rather frequently for being so sweet and polite. Sir has access to all my "electronic communications" with others. I am ok with it, I don't really question it ever. I was thinking earlier about a little "rant session" I went on with someone the other day, and to think about my language and my behavior when that was going on, I'm now somewhat embarrassed. Knowing Sir has read through it by now, he hasn't addressed it... I am not sure he will. I think sometimes he waits for me to realize things myself. It's part of the learning process. So, this is an awareness for me now... It has become so natural that he reads and has access to those things, that I don't give it much thought. I need to be giving it much thought! He expects me to act and speak a certain way... that is even when he is not physically present.

Speaking of speak! Certain things I have to say...some things I cannot say. I'm sure we all have our lists....

Not Permitted:
Sure / Ok / Whatever / Nevermind / But /
Name calling...even in jest its touchy
Sighs and all other forms of huffs or temper tantrums

Mandatory:
Yes, Sir / No, Sir / May I please, Sir

I think Sir has a completely different perception of things conversations. Sometimes I never even realize I'm doing or saying something permitted or otherwise... so quick to point it out, he is. It's normally a slap myself in the forehead moment, because I know - I know better. He calls it pulling me up short... I call him mean. That never goes over well, in fact it is always followed by a "do you want me to show you mean?" Or a "do you want to see what will happen if... ?" I know how to answer those questions - No, Sir - hehe.

My daily tasks are a little easier to remember because, well, I do them every day. Getting them done never seems to be the issue... the quality of them, however is. A most recently learned lesson and expectation. I have to put thought and care and effort into all of them because they have a purpose.... they aren't just busy work. He explained to me his thought behind all of them and why he requests what he does and it helped me to take more pride in what I am doing for him.

It's not just about what you say or how you act... the reminders involve lessons too... Normally long, drawn out conversations or punishments. Despite all that is said there seems to be one set of words that will always ring out.... that always remain floating in my head (or down on paper). Big ones for me have been the "you are lacking" lesson and the "I will not take what is his" lesson. I think that its odd how such small words resonate so loudly in my mind. They have such a strong effect on me personally in how I act, the way I handle things going forward. They roll off of Sir's tongue with such ease and serenity and my jaw hits the floor a ton of bricks. But that's how it always is, he is the calm in my storm. The rational one during my panic. His control is what grounds me and keeps me steady.

They are all important lessons, important expectations and rules....Whatever I need to do in order to remember them, I will do it. Notes on paper or events on the calendar... whatever it takes.

Weeeeee...

Well, I went on a tiny little vacation this week. Time away from home and work....yay! It wasnt as great as I thought it would be. Definitely a pleasant break from all things the norm. Unfortunately, I missed Sir very much which made the trip drag on longer than needed. He was also extremely busy with work and such so I didn't get to hear from him much during the trip.

While I am glad to be home, he is still very busy so our time continues to be limited. Today is actually the first day I have been able to return to my daily routines and tasking. I was excited to roll out of bed today knowing that this was in store for me. I often refer to my tasking as chores that need to be completed. Errands, so forth and so on. These things always were something I dreaded.... But now... I eagerly wait for the alarms to go off, the reminders to occur, the days to start over so that I can complete these tasks.

They are what tie me to him, remind me of my place, and keep me going throughout the days. I love him. I love doing things for him. I love pleasing him. Busy or not, I am something he can rely on. A break in his day to review my tasks will hopefully make him smile or feel greatful. Well, then it is worth it!

Seems like a gushy full of sunshine blogpost... I guess Ive just missed Sir so much the past week that I am happy to be tasking for him again.

Writing...

I start all of my writing here as something I intend to go "live". Most times, when I sit down to write, I have absolutely no idea what will come of it. Depending on how much has been said and to what degree, I have 2 options. I can send it to Sir or I can post it here. A lot goes into that decision... how much of myself I have exposed, how much of him I have exposed, if anything I said could be disrespectful of him or paint him in a negative light, the appropriateness of the topic.... Definitely something I sometimes struggle with, but all in all I manage - of course!

I will sometimes read through the specifics of others blogs and I think to myself... omg! I could never do that. Not because I feel what others is posting is wrong, but because it takes - hmmm - how do you say... balls! Well, that or just the strict law of another's Master! =) But still.... I respect each and every one of them for the way they put themselves out there and share as much as they do about themselves and their relationship. I cant imagine it's very easy and sometimes seeing the negative comments of viewers is rather apalling and frightening! So more power to you !

This is not something thats required of me. I also tend to be a very private person and sometimes even have a hard time sending my writings to Sir. Something that I have brought up to him recently. I didn't really get from it what I was looking for, other than to know it may or may not ever become easier for me. Bottom line is that it is expected regardless of how I feel about what I wrote. One effect of it is that I do feel exposed... which Im sure he will chime in to say "as it should be", another is that I get all nervous wondering if hes alredy read it or what he thinks. Often, I dont receive any response to my writing, occasionally I do. It depends on how important he feels it is that it be addressed I suppose. Though I will say that a lot of my writing is for me to be able to vent and clear my head... most of it doesnt need response or reaction. Ultimately though, that's his place to decide.

Staying there...

Some things have come up in the last 24 hours that are making it difficult for me to stay in my place. I'm only writing about it here, now, because I think that it will help me to remember. I am out of contact with Sir now indefinitely. I am not sure when I will hear from him again or have a moment to speak to him. It is not a punishment or anything like that. Really, I think that is what is making it all so difficult. Unplanned, unexpected, uninformed..... So I find myself grasping for any and all things that remind me that I am strong enough to handle this and stand on my own. Also, that it was unplanned not only for me but for him as well and he too is suffering. I know he would want me to understand and continue to do everything expected even though I am not currently in his presence. That is what is going to help me to get through today, tomorrow, this weekend... or however long it takes before I can hear from him again. That invisible tie that holds me to him.

An Assignment...

The first one in a long time came today... Nervous about it and excited all at the same time. We'll see how it goes !!!

Here is some eyecandy, pretty pictures & corsets! EDEN

You are lacking....

How can words be so painful... remember that rhyme we heard as kids? "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

If only that were true. Little triggers...daggers even. They slice through my mind and rip at my insides. He said I was lacking. No, not just lacking in one thing... Down the list we went.. Not we - ME... he wont tell me because he wants me to say it. To say it on my own because he knows I know. The pictures, writing, logs... lacking. "What about what you do for me," Sir said, "because you want to"....a month ago was the last time. That's when he sent the daggers flying, "You are lacking at that as well...."

So here we sit...as those three little words go to work in my head, I reflect.... "If you do so again, you will be in trouble, do you understand?" Yes, I replied..... "What?" I said Yes again.... "Yes isn't good enough" what I meant was "Yes, Sir."

This Weekend...

Wednesday night was quite an interesting one. Needless to say Sir and I got into an arguement, well really I got into an arguement because when that happens he tends to just sit there stewing in anger until I've managed to dig myself a hole so deep that I can't even get out of it on my own... I've been warned before about my presentation, but didn't manage to head those words very well in that moment. The result: not only was my time taken away that night, but I also was not permitted to do any of my tasking for him on Thursday or Friday. I asked when that was made clear to me if it was a form of punishment or not and received no answer at all, just ignored...

About midday on Friday, I received a message that we would be speaking that evening. I did not know at that time if I should be excited that I was going to get to talk to Sir for the first time in nearly 48 hours or if my heart was sinking because I was afraid of the conversation that would follow.

He gave me the opportunity again to express my concern, at first I was afraid to speak because I was sure that I would end up back in that hole I dug two nights previous. He has a way of saying, "I'm waiting" that scares the nerves out of me and makes me blurt stuff out. So I started slowly, calmly, as specific as I could be... paying attention to the tone of my voice as well as the volume and managed to get every last thought out. Then he said thank you...

Sir said he understood how I felt and where I was coming from. Knowing the issue for him is 99% of the battle... the rest is cake as soon as he figures it out. I feel foolish at times when this happens. I don't expect to get my way in things, I try really hard not to manipulate, though I do think some of that is just my personality. More than anything else, I just want to be heard and my feelings not to be disregarded. Of course when Im yelling and screaming and telling him how horrible he is, I'm sure its hard for him to see that, right? One day I'll get it correct! He also shared with me his perspective of me in that moment, why he pulled away and took 2 days to himself. Also, the taking away of my tasking was not a punishment per se, but just that he needed not to be faced with me in that time. I think when he said that, I would have rather it had been punishment, I just could not believe that I had been so naive as to push him that hard.

So, feeling better after the conversation, my dailies had been reinstated, and life will be getting better. It was a lot easier to deal with him being out of town this weekend. I feel it was probably the most respectful I have ever been of his time. It continued into the week thats already started as well. as the pieces begin to fall black into their places, I do as well and once the dust settles, we will both be stronger because of it.

Show & Tell...

I think I have been staring at this blank page for the past 10 minutes without typing anything... without knowing what to type. Lately it seems as though all my posts are going the same direction. Into that dark and whiney place.... Im tired of that place.

I've tried the positive attitude, but when you fake it - not quite the same effect. So anyways I refuse to go there today... I just dont want to, and everytime I start trying to think of something to write.... well it just goes there. So, I'm skipping that pity party as Sir referred to it & I'm sharing this instead:

....It's by John Churton Collins btw...

"If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts should we find"

Enjoy!

A Calm...

There is a peace inside of me when I can kneel. It was an expectation set some time ago. There are times when I do it just to center myself, a meditation of sorts, perhaps. It forces my mind into places where only he can put me. It forces me to reflect on my service to Sir.

Kaya had a quote on her blog today... "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up everytime we do"... Sir has said many times that he does not expect perfection. I think when you are staring into the face of correction and punishment it's very easy to be fooled into believing you are expected to be perfect. It's after the explosion, the correction, and the consequences are dealt with, when you have time to reflect, only then do you see the truth. Part of the reason I read others blogs... is to just know within myself that others are out there, experiencing what I do, feeling how I do, coping the way I do. Rationializing with myself that it's ok. We all fall and we all struggle with coping with that.

I wonder why I get so upset when I am struggling. It's almost like beating my head into a brick wall. I realize it's not the situation that is upsetting me.... it's how I am dealing with it or not dealing with it rather that becomes the issue. Disappointment in feeling that I've let Sir down.

I've made comments before about when I'm "not in his presence" ... how incorrect is that phrase. Thank you to Toy for giving me that trinket to ponder on... Sometimes we lose perspective. Thoughtful as she is, pointed out to me that even though I believe I am struggling with somethings, that it was actually quite the opposite. Yes, I was and am having a difficult time with some aspects of mine and Sir's relationship as of late, but that in those exact moments, I was actually accomplishing what I thought I was really failing at...An "invisible collar" she called it. Always in Sir's presence, whether he is physically here or not, using me or not.... Never really alone.

I go about my days, work, sleep, eat, clean, errands, bills.... moments, hours, days apart. Every second though, in service to him. Expected to do right by, accomplish, suceed in everything I do, for him. Sometimes it seems to one-sided. I find myself wondering if he's thinking of me in that moment to, or if I ever cross his mind. Something that's easy to forget is that there are some things Sir can get from anyone... anywhere. It's hard to remember in those times why he chose me. I remember reading "The Story of O" and the first time she is at Roissy undergoing her training... Rene takes another woman in her presence merely to show her that he is capable of obtaining that pleasure from others. This holds true for Sir, and in times it is overwhelming, but when I am able to wade through that fog in my head, I know that there are also things that I can give Sir that go beyond that. Things that only I can give him, because I am the one he chooses to do so.

A common theme...

Everytime I think I got this whole D/S thing understood something else happens and I fall deeper into it than I thought I could have been in the first place. Amazing, yes! Scary as hell... definitely ! I was talking with Sir about it last night and explaining.. he asked me how I felt about it and I was honest....

I mean, I just recently came to the realization that how I feel and what I want doesn't really matter. Now I dont mean he just dismisses my feelings. Sir does listen to them and consider them Im sure, but honestly it doesnt matter. He can take it into consideration but it doesnt mean anything. Deciphering between need and want is becoming increasingly more important. I want or I need....and I can't start it that way... "I want this, I need this...." Bad! Bad! Bad!

It's a little unnerving to let go of everything, kind of like I'm loosing a piece of myself. What's hard is remembering that it's not mine to hold onto. So, what are you left with? After you've been reprogrammed, broken down, and rebuilt? Sounds really bad, but I dont think I would trade it for anything else. I mean, I do struggle with it, but at the same time I'm proud that I can do those things for Sir. What makes it difficult is going through it alone...

Especially right now with all that we both have going on in our lives, time is very limited. I know he's always with me, guiding me, but not the same. I keep him close to me through that little ring. Acting as a reminder of who I belong to, where I should be, how I should act. It does make it easier to look down and see it there. However, a lot of times I do feel like I'm in limbo, I get into this place where I am going through things like this, these changes and hes not available. And it is something very new to me that I have a hard time coping with and dealing with at times. He has taken away a lot of my usual outlets, and then when hes not there on top of it.... it is easy to become resentful.

I think that having been able to realize all of this and take the next step will make our relationship stronger. I do believe it will make me stronger and things that I will hang onto now... well, ill hang onto remembering my place and that I am owned by him. That is what is important.

Observations...

Time... seems to be something I focus on a lot, something I bring up a lot...overrated, coincidental? It can be one of two things... I understand being busy, I try to respect Sir's time because its his to do with as he pleases. I wonder, if its so fine a line to walk. One thing has been lifted off of my Masters plate as of recently...I wonder if that could be the difference... or if its something much deeper...

I've been trying the past 2 weeks to get back into the grove of things... I was struggling with the ability to stay in my place without the guidance of Sir. Bad habits were surfacing and going without correction. I took it upon myself... maybe because I felt like I had turned blue expressing my opinion... which lets all be realistic, in some cases it's taken into account, but in others it really means jack... feeling like I had exhausted every single resource and feeling I had to make him understand - I was feeling neglected.... I gave up.

I felt like I couldn't win, like he couldnt see it my way...Interesting choice of words... my way. Maybe I forgot my purpose... so I reverted back to the things that I knew, that comforted me, the things I do for him. Day by day by day by day... rarely receiving acknowledgement. I felt like I was a little girl just looking for that pat on the head... those 2 words "good girl"... please notice me, please see me.... then yesterday.... he asked something of me. A new task, a new direction... the first in sooooooooooo long. I didn't even want to fight it...I didn't want to be shy... I just was eager to hear those words, "I want you to do something for me", I would have said Yes Sir before I even heard what it was at that point... just to have him ask, just to be able to give something....later, I heard what I had been longing for, for so long... "you did good girl"... *swoon* Blushing Im sure... I tried to play off how much it meant to me to hear that... but I think he knew.

So this transition, has made me think... did I learn a lesson here, is it mere conveinence of timing? When I am stronger... our relationship is stronger, more dynamic... I want to believe that I've learned something. I want to believe that things are going to get betternow because of it. A part of me does wonder though if its the coincidence. I guess the bottom line though is that if I want to have learned something in this, then I have done that regardless of timing or outside influences.

Thinking....

So, Sir has been very busy, so busy in fact, that I think it is wearing on him, not just physically but also emotionally. We have very little to no, in some cases , interation between one another beside casual exchanges of well wishes. I have of course explained to him how I feel about all of this and the toll that it is taking on our relationship. The expectation is that I trust him and what he says he wants. So, the struggle, becomes how to handle this while ommitting all normal reactions and feeling. I do trust him, and I've told him how I feel at this point, so its just a matter of waiting and accepting whatever decisions he makes regarding it.

I have been neglecting some of my required tasking and such because of how I feel lately regarding things. Maybe hoping for some type of reaction or punishment, anything at all that would remind me of my place and require attention from him... negative or positive. I dont know... it's very hard for me to feel that way and to want to serve when I have close to no contact with Sir. I do WANT to serve, suffer, task.... anything for him. But, its not my place to choose what those things consist of and with no direction from him, it prooves very difficult to remain in that mindset.

Grr.... but, I'm going to make an effort I suppose to do the things he once asked of me, and hope that it makes a difference... we shall see.

Still Here...

Been nearly a month since I've written, unfortunately there just has not been much going on to write about. Sir has been busy and handling his own concerns as of late. Busy with work and such he is. We are still doing ok, and I am hoping I will have more inspiration for my writing soon, unfortunately as of right now it just is not so. *pout*