Staying there...

Some things have come up in the last 24 hours that are making it difficult for me to stay in my place. I'm only writing about it here, now, because I think that it will help me to remember. I am out of contact with Sir now indefinitely. I am not sure when I will hear from him again or have a moment to speak to him. It is not a punishment or anything like that. Really, I think that is what is making it all so difficult. Unplanned, unexpected, uninformed..... So I find myself grasping for any and all things that remind me that I am strong enough to handle this and stand on my own. Also, that it was unplanned not only for me but for him as well and he too is suffering. I know he would want me to understand and continue to do everything expected even though I am not currently in his presence. That is what is going to help me to get through today, tomorrow, this weekend... or however long it takes before I can hear from him again. That invisible tie that holds me to him.

An Assignment...

The first one in a long time came today... Nervous about it and excited all at the same time. We'll see how it goes !!!

Here is some eyecandy, pretty pictures & corsets! EDEN

You are lacking....

How can words be so painful... remember that rhyme we heard as kids? "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

If only that were true. Little triggers...daggers even. They slice through my mind and rip at my insides. He said I was lacking. No, not just lacking in one thing... Down the list we went.. Not we - ME... he wont tell me because he wants me to say it. To say it on my own because he knows I know. The pictures, writing, logs... lacking. "What about what you do for me," Sir said, "because you want to"....a month ago was the last time. That's when he sent the daggers flying, "You are lacking at that as well...."

So here we sit...as those three little words go to work in my head, I reflect.... "If you do so again, you will be in trouble, do you understand?" Yes, I replied..... "What?" I said Yes again.... "Yes isn't good enough" what I meant was "Yes, Sir."

This Weekend...

Wednesday night was quite an interesting one. Needless to say Sir and I got into an arguement, well really I got into an arguement because when that happens he tends to just sit there stewing in anger until I've managed to dig myself a hole so deep that I can't even get out of it on my own... I've been warned before about my presentation, but didn't manage to head those words very well in that moment. The result: not only was my time taken away that night, but I also was not permitted to do any of my tasking for him on Thursday or Friday. I asked when that was made clear to me if it was a form of punishment or not and received no answer at all, just ignored...

About midday on Friday, I received a message that we would be speaking that evening. I did not know at that time if I should be excited that I was going to get to talk to Sir for the first time in nearly 48 hours or if my heart was sinking because I was afraid of the conversation that would follow.

He gave me the opportunity again to express my concern, at first I was afraid to speak because I was sure that I would end up back in that hole I dug two nights previous. He has a way of saying, "I'm waiting" that scares the nerves out of me and makes me blurt stuff out. So I started slowly, calmly, as specific as I could be... paying attention to the tone of my voice as well as the volume and managed to get every last thought out. Then he said thank you...

Sir said he understood how I felt and where I was coming from. Knowing the issue for him is 99% of the battle... the rest is cake as soon as he figures it out. I feel foolish at times when this happens. I don't expect to get my way in things, I try really hard not to manipulate, though I do think some of that is just my personality. More than anything else, I just want to be heard and my feelings not to be disregarded. Of course when Im yelling and screaming and telling him how horrible he is, I'm sure its hard for him to see that, right? One day I'll get it correct! He also shared with me his perspective of me in that moment, why he pulled away and took 2 days to himself. Also, the taking away of my tasking was not a punishment per se, but just that he needed not to be faced with me in that time. I think when he said that, I would have rather it had been punishment, I just could not believe that I had been so naive as to push him that hard.

So, feeling better after the conversation, my dailies had been reinstated, and life will be getting better. It was a lot easier to deal with him being out of town this weekend. I feel it was probably the most respectful I have ever been of his time. It continued into the week thats already started as well. as the pieces begin to fall black into their places, I do as well and once the dust settles, we will both be stronger because of it.

Show & Tell...

I think I have been staring at this blank page for the past 10 minutes without typing anything... without knowing what to type. Lately it seems as though all my posts are going the same direction. Into that dark and whiney place.... Im tired of that place.

I've tried the positive attitude, but when you fake it - not quite the same effect. So anyways I refuse to go there today... I just dont want to, and everytime I start trying to think of something to write.... well it just goes there. So, I'm skipping that pity party as Sir referred to it & I'm sharing this instead:

....It's by John Churton Collins btw...

"If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts should we find"

Enjoy!