Thank You....

I wanted to take a few minutes to say thank you and update those of you who have shown your support and wondering how things are going. I am still hanging in there and there is a lot of work to be done.

I spoke with him for the first time in detail yesterday and as painful as it was, he was finally ready to talk to me about what was going on. I'd say we are definitely in the "rebuilding" phase. A lot is still undecided and I'm not really sure where things will go from here. But, we are talking and we are working through these issues.

So Thank you - Ill keep you all posted.

Soul Searching...

He is still very angry with me. We've barely spoken in nearly 5 days now. I've completely neglected my every rule and limitation and direction. I have made choices for my own reasons - be it right or wrong, and I've been told to do as I feel I need to. Which pretty much lets me off the hook for writing too.... so why am I here?

I guess a lot of it has to do with feeling like I have nowhere else to turn. It's not like I've been really open about this new journey I have been taking with anyone I know. It's not really something one would just bring up over coffee or out of the blue and since it's so new to me... I just kept it to myself really. I guess I just hope that somehow I would find comfort here.

The bottom line is, I don't know what is going to happen. I no longer know where I stand or if I even have ground to stand on where he is concerned. Every interaction we have is awkward and uneasy. He has stated his need to make some decisions and limited contact with me immensely. I am lucky to hear from him just once during the day. I am even luckier to receive responses to texts or emails.

I didn't like the way I was being treated, so I lashed out at him. I don't think he is upset about how I feel as much as he is how I communicated those feelings. He is really busy ALL the time. Sometimes he doesn't communicate with me for whole days. It's really quite hard for me to be understanding because he has asked me to do certain things if I need him. If I do what he has requested, a part of me expects him to be there in return. Therein lies the problem and something I've been struggling with since I opened my mouth on Friday. Is it my place to expect anything really?

And now I am faced with the fact that all of this is spanning beyond just my secret little bubble.... I have barely slept in the last 2 days....I sleep when I shouldn't. I'm awake when I should be asleep. I'm thinking about him when I should be focused on work and taking care of myself. Nothing is right. Things are very dark right now and I'm not sure when or if that will change. I don't blame him for being angry. I don't think he's wrong by any means. But that doesn't mean that I am ready to admit that I am wrong. I still feel very strongly about the way this all went down. I think we both could have made better decisions, but once again.... is it really my place to say so?