This Weekend...

Wednesday night was quite an interesting one. Needless to say Sir and I got into an arguement, well really I got into an arguement because when that happens he tends to just sit there stewing in anger until I've managed to dig myself a hole so deep that I can't even get out of it on my own... I've been warned before about my presentation, but didn't manage to head those words very well in that moment. The result: not only was my time taken away that night, but I also was not permitted to do any of my tasking for him on Thursday or Friday. I asked when that was made clear to me if it was a form of punishment or not and received no answer at all, just ignored...

About midday on Friday, I received a message that we would be speaking that evening. I did not know at that time if I should be excited that I was going to get to talk to Sir for the first time in nearly 48 hours or if my heart was sinking because I was afraid of the conversation that would follow.

He gave me the opportunity again to express my concern, at first I was afraid to speak because I was sure that I would end up back in that hole I dug two nights previous. He has a way of saying, "I'm waiting" that scares the nerves out of me and makes me blurt stuff out. So I started slowly, calmly, as specific as I could be... paying attention to the tone of my voice as well as the volume and managed to get every last thought out. Then he said thank you...

Sir said he understood how I felt and where I was coming from. Knowing the issue for him is 99% of the battle... the rest is cake as soon as he figures it out. I feel foolish at times when this happens. I don't expect to get my way in things, I try really hard not to manipulate, though I do think some of that is just my personality. More than anything else, I just want to be heard and my feelings not to be disregarded. Of course when Im yelling and screaming and telling him how horrible he is, I'm sure its hard for him to see that, right? One day I'll get it correct! He also shared with me his perspective of me in that moment, why he pulled away and took 2 days to himself. Also, the taking away of my tasking was not a punishment per se, but just that he needed not to be faced with me in that time. I think when he said that, I would have rather it had been punishment, I just could not believe that I had been so naive as to push him that hard.

So, feeling better after the conversation, my dailies had been reinstated, and life will be getting better. It was a lot easier to deal with him being out of town this weekend. I feel it was probably the most respectful I have ever been of his time. It continued into the week thats already started as well. as the pieces begin to fall black into their places, I do as well and once the dust settles, we will both be stronger because of it.

Show & Tell...

I think I have been staring at this blank page for the past 10 minutes without typing anything... without knowing what to type. Lately it seems as though all my posts are going the same direction. Into that dark and whiney place.... Im tired of that place.

I've tried the positive attitude, but when you fake it - not quite the same effect. So anyways I refuse to go there today... I just dont want to, and everytime I start trying to think of something to write.... well it just goes there. So, I'm skipping that pity party as Sir referred to it & I'm sharing this instead:

....It's by John Churton Collins btw...

"If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts should we find"

Enjoy!

A Calm...

There is a peace inside of me when I can kneel. It was an expectation set some time ago. There are times when I do it just to center myself, a meditation of sorts, perhaps. It forces my mind into places where only he can put me. It forces me to reflect on my service to Sir.

Kaya had a quote on her blog today... "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up everytime we do"... Sir has said many times that he does not expect perfection. I think when you are staring into the face of correction and punishment it's very easy to be fooled into believing you are expected to be perfect. It's after the explosion, the correction, and the consequences are dealt with, when you have time to reflect, only then do you see the truth. Part of the reason I read others blogs... is to just know within myself that others are out there, experiencing what I do, feeling how I do, coping the way I do. Rationializing with myself that it's ok. We all fall and we all struggle with coping with that.

I wonder why I get so upset when I am struggling. It's almost like beating my head into a brick wall. I realize it's not the situation that is upsetting me.... it's how I am dealing with it or not dealing with it rather that becomes the issue. Disappointment in feeling that I've let Sir down.

I've made comments before about when I'm "not in his presence" ... how incorrect is that phrase. Thank you to Toy for giving me that trinket to ponder on... Sometimes we lose perspective. Thoughtful as she is, pointed out to me that even though I believe I am struggling with somethings, that it was actually quite the opposite. Yes, I was and am having a difficult time with some aspects of mine and Sir's relationship as of late, but that in those exact moments, I was actually accomplishing what I thought I was really failing at...An "invisible collar" she called it. Always in Sir's presence, whether he is physically here or not, using me or not.... Never really alone.

I go about my days, work, sleep, eat, clean, errands, bills.... moments, hours, days apart. Every second though, in service to him. Expected to do right by, accomplish, suceed in everything I do, for him. Sometimes it seems to one-sided. I find myself wondering if he's thinking of me in that moment to, or if I ever cross his mind. Something that's easy to forget is that there are some things Sir can get from anyone... anywhere. It's hard to remember in those times why he chose me. I remember reading "The Story of O" and the first time she is at Roissy undergoing her training... Rene takes another woman in her presence merely to show her that he is capable of obtaining that pleasure from others. This holds true for Sir, and in times it is overwhelming, but when I am able to wade through that fog in my head, I know that there are also things that I can give Sir that go beyond that. Things that only I can give him, because I am the one he chooses to do so.

A common theme...

Everytime I think I got this whole D/S thing understood something else happens and I fall deeper into it than I thought I could have been in the first place. Amazing, yes! Scary as hell... definitely ! I was talking with Sir about it last night and explaining.. he asked me how I felt about it and I was honest....

I mean, I just recently came to the realization that how I feel and what I want doesn't really matter. Now I dont mean he just dismisses my feelings. Sir does listen to them and consider them Im sure, but honestly it doesnt matter. He can take it into consideration but it doesnt mean anything. Deciphering between need and want is becoming increasingly more important. I want or I need....and I can't start it that way... "I want this, I need this...." Bad! Bad! Bad!

It's a little unnerving to let go of everything, kind of like I'm loosing a piece of myself. What's hard is remembering that it's not mine to hold onto. So, what are you left with? After you've been reprogrammed, broken down, and rebuilt? Sounds really bad, but I dont think I would trade it for anything else. I mean, I do struggle with it, but at the same time I'm proud that I can do those things for Sir. What makes it difficult is going through it alone...

Especially right now with all that we both have going on in our lives, time is very limited. I know he's always with me, guiding me, but not the same. I keep him close to me through that little ring. Acting as a reminder of who I belong to, where I should be, how I should act. It does make it easier to look down and see it there. However, a lot of times I do feel like I'm in limbo, I get into this place where I am going through things like this, these changes and hes not available. And it is something very new to me that I have a hard time coping with and dealing with at times. He has taken away a lot of my usual outlets, and then when hes not there on top of it.... it is easy to become resentful.

I think that having been able to realize all of this and take the next step will make our relationship stronger. I do believe it will make me stronger and things that I will hang onto now... well, ill hang onto remembering my place and that I am owned by him. That is what is important.