Kneeling

If I want something or need something that I dont feel like I'm getting... my direction is to kneel for just 5 minutes in the corner and reflect on the difference and the best course of action for discussing it with Sir. If I want or need something and feel like being angry or pushy over it... the time spent kneeling doubles to 10 minutes and I must think about what reaction my pushing and demanding would have on Sir and my service to him. After kneeling I have to write to Sir to explain the trigger and the outcome of the session and then have a conversation with him regarding it.

For the first time since this new direction has been given, I had to kneel this morning. The time forced me to look at the situation from an outside perspective. Sir's perspective to be exact. Where he sees my place to be in every situation regardless of the content of it. So I took my time and I thought about what was upsetting me and why and if it was something.... hmm I dont want to say legitmate... I guess its the difference between want and need... and being able to separate the two. Having my discussion with Sir afterwards was not easy. He asks me to write alot because I tend to express myself better in written form... it's one of the reasons why I was it was requested that I start this blog. He still wanted the thoughts and details verbally and I didn't really want to discuss it. Of course that means... jack shit... =) So we did discuss....

By the end of the conversation I was crying.... not because I was hurt or upset. I just feel that lately I have been struggling so much with my submission to Sir and I hate it. It's so much work and none of it easy... My main fear is letting him down. His expectations and standards are very high for me, he says he sets them that way because he knows what I am capable of. Which of course is even more pressure. I really feel that the last 2 weeks have initiated a shift, or transition, in my service to Sir. It's just reached a different level really... not in a bad way at all. Just a deeper, more devoted, level of service.

New Direction

Sir will often remind me of our agreement... "do you remember the terms? you chose this, you agreed to this..." He thinks I forget sometimes... I am not his equal, no, not even close. A right I have is to bring my concerns to him, yes, but this does not put me on level playing ground with him. He takes what I have to say without a word and then politely asks me if I am done. Then it comes... the reminder... and then the direction.

Sometimes, I accept it, with a big hearty sigh... was I even heard? Sometimes, I get "pushy" as he calls it. Which does force his hand yes, but not in the way the little girl would prefer. It makes things worse of course. So I made the comment, "what am I supposed to just give unconditionally regardless of my own desires or wants?" Of course you are little girl....Grrrrr when I think I have made progress, when I think I get it, when I think I understand - that little voice in my head just comes right out and snap!

So much doubt races around me. I begin to question... Do I make Sir happy? Can I be everything he wants of me? Not my questions to ask.... not my decision to make.... He hasn't released me from his service, so there must be something. I want to be his star... the one who can do everything, provide everything, support him, submit to him... more than anyone else. So I have to remind myself that the others don't matter... that they dont belong to him. Sir cant take from them, use them, rely on them the way he does me... even if I'm last on this list... I'm still the one he calls baby girl and the only one who calls him Daddy at the end of the day.

So, how do I break down everything else, and just take pride and be content with that? That.... which is supposed to be everything to me. That which matters so much to me.... Reading over this you would think that I should realize, I already have everything I so much desire.