Observations...

Time... seems to be something I focus on a lot, something I bring up a lot...overrated, coincidental? It can be one of two things... I understand being busy, I try to respect Sir's time because its his to do with as he pleases. I wonder, if its so fine a line to walk. One thing has been lifted off of my Masters plate as of recently...I wonder if that could be the difference... or if its something much deeper...

I've been trying the past 2 weeks to get back into the grove of things... I was struggling with the ability to stay in my place without the guidance of Sir. Bad habits were surfacing and going without correction. I took it upon myself... maybe because I felt like I had turned blue expressing my opinion... which lets all be realistic, in some cases it's taken into account, but in others it really means jack... feeling like I had exhausted every single resource and feeling I had to make him understand - I was feeling neglected.... I gave up.

I felt like I couldn't win, like he couldnt see it my way...Interesting choice of words... my way. Maybe I forgot my purpose... so I reverted back to the things that I knew, that comforted me, the things I do for him. Day by day by day by day... rarely receiving acknowledgement. I felt like I was a little girl just looking for that pat on the head... those 2 words "good girl"... please notice me, please see me.... then yesterday.... he asked something of me. A new task, a new direction... the first in sooooooooooo long. I didn't even want to fight it...I didn't want to be shy... I just was eager to hear those words, "I want you to do something for me", I would have said Yes Sir before I even heard what it was at that point... just to have him ask, just to be able to give something....later, I heard what I had been longing for, for so long... "you did good girl"... *swoon* Blushing Im sure... I tried to play off how much it meant to me to hear that... but I think he knew.

So this transition, has made me think... did I learn a lesson here, is it mere conveinence of timing? When I am stronger... our relationship is stronger, more dynamic... I want to believe that I've learned something. I want to believe that things are going to get betternow because of it. A part of me does wonder though if its the coincidence. I guess the bottom line though is that if I want to have learned something in this, then I have done that regardless of timing or outside influences.

Thinking....

So, Sir has been very busy, so busy in fact, that I think it is wearing on him, not just physically but also emotionally. We have very little to no, in some cases , interation between one another beside casual exchanges of well wishes. I have of course explained to him how I feel about all of this and the toll that it is taking on our relationship. The expectation is that I trust him and what he says he wants. So, the struggle, becomes how to handle this while ommitting all normal reactions and feeling. I do trust him, and I've told him how I feel at this point, so its just a matter of waiting and accepting whatever decisions he makes regarding it.

I have been neglecting some of my required tasking and such because of how I feel lately regarding things. Maybe hoping for some type of reaction or punishment, anything at all that would remind me of my place and require attention from him... negative or positive. I dont know... it's very hard for me to feel that way and to want to serve when I have close to no contact with Sir. I do WANT to serve, suffer, task.... anything for him. But, its not my place to choose what those things consist of and with no direction from him, it prooves very difficult to remain in that mindset.

Grr.... but, I'm going to make an effort I suppose to do the things he once asked of me, and hope that it makes a difference... we shall see.

Still Here...

Been nearly a month since I've written, unfortunately there just has not been much going on to write about. Sir has been busy and handling his own concerns as of late. Busy with work and such he is. We are still doing ok, and I am hoping I will have more inspiration for my writing soon, unfortunately as of right now it just is not so. *pout*